Wonderland

hiiii

2011-07-30T21:23:00.002-05:00

thanks to melanie denise, i just realized that i havent blogged in a year!!!! long story short, i'm RECOVERED, and i've never been so happy in my life!!! i moved out of my mom's and i have my own apartment. i'm about to start my third semester of nursing school, and i have a 3.5 gpa. (yay!!) i'm doing school 12 hrs a week, and i work 40 hrs a week. my schedule is very busy, but i always think about you guys!!!! <3

i'm so excited about my recovery! no more complaining, just all great things! i realized that if i wanted to help other people by becoming a nurse, i would have to help myself by recovering from my eating disorder to do so. so there ya go!!! powwwww

do you hate me?

2010-07-28T07:07:00.001-05:00

guys, i'm super sorry! i havent gotten to post because my mom is like a detective. i will try to post soon. i feel like such a bad blogger. much love to you all. : )

cat's out of the bag.

2010-06-14T16:50:00.001-05:00

i'm caught.

my mom found out about me restricting.

more details to come later.

scream!!

2010-05-10T18:27:00.001-05:00

i've been stuck at 104 since march!

frustration.

i'm happy in all other aspects of my life except for this one.

p.s. r.i.p. lena horne.

today is....

2010-04-17T08:43:00.001-05:00

.... my twenty-fourth birthday. : )

questions

2010-03-21T16:26:00.000-05:00

How am I supposed to know when to trust my woman's intuition?

2010-03-08T18:12:00.001-06:00

my boyfriend just broke up with me.

thinspo

2010-02-02T19:05:00.004-06:00

this is for all the pro-ana ladies! stay strong!
xoxo

this morning's weigh-in

2010-01-26T07:43:00.001-06:00

111. one-eleven. 4 pounds lighter.

pro-ana girls: stay strong!

is it a crime?

2010-01-18T20:47:00.001-06:00

i love the live version of this! she killed it!

This may come, This may come as some surprise
but I miss you
I could see through, all of your lies
But I stll miss you
He takes her love, but it doesn't feel like mine
He tastes her kiss, her kisses are not wine, they're not mine
He takes, but surely she can't give what I'm feeling now
She takes, but surely she doesn't know how

Is it a crime
Is it a crime
That I still want you
And I want you to want me too

My love is wider, wider than vitoria lake
My love is taller, taller than the empire state

It dives and it jumps and it ripples like the deepest ocean
I can't give you more than that, surely you want me back

Is it a crime
Is it a crime
That I still want you
And I want you to want me too

My love is wider than vitoria lake
Taller than the empire state
It dives and it jumps
I can't give you more than that, surely you want me back

Is it a crime
Is it a crime
That I still want you
And I want you to want me too

It dives and it jumps
And it ripples like the deepest Ocean
I can't give you more than that
Surely you want me back

Tell me
Is it a crime

give it to me right

2010-01-09T19:05:00.002-06:00

Ok, ok, Hes got my number and..
You cant, you cant want me
Baby here i am,
Either you make the time,
Or just forget me.
Im not, im not, trying to run your life
Thats why thats why im nobodys wife.
But when i want,when i want it, you gotta be ready.

I dont want it all the time,
but when i get it i, better be satisfied
so give it to me right,
or dont give it to me at all
I dont think you understand,
how real it is for me to find a man who thinks he can,
so give it to me right,
or dont give it to me at all
(yeah, yeah,yeah)

On time, on time, i expect you to be,
all mine, all mine
Baby in my fantasy, you cant get it right
Then just forget me.
No ways ok, for you to go around,
Uh Uh today you better make a touch down,
you know what i like, wont you except it.
(ooooh)

I dont want it all the time
but when i want it, you better make me smile
So give it to me right,
or dont give it to me at all.
I dont think you understand,
If you cant please me, i know some one who can
so give it to me right,
or dont give it to me at all.

This is the real life baby,
This is the life that makes me say,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes
This is the real thing baby,
When im alone, i can make me say
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

I dont want it all the time
But when i want it, you better make me smile
So give it to me right,
or dont give it to me at all.
I dont think you understand,
If you cant please me, i know someone who can
So give it to me right
Or dont give it to me at all

Give it to me right
Give it to me right

Or dont give it to me at all

h.a.t.e. u

2010-01-07T18:38:00.001-06:00

once upon a time, we swore not to say goodbye
something got a hold of us and we changed
then you sat alone in pride
and I sat at home and cried
how'd our fairytale just end up this way

we went round for round til' we knocked love out
you were laying in the ring, not making a sound
and if that's a metaphore of you and I
why is it so hard to say goodbye

I can't wait to hate you
make you, pain like i do..
still can't shake you off..
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes..
seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you,
break you, down so low
there's no place left to go..

I can't wait to hate you..

love is, was a love phenomenon no one could explain
and i wish, i could press reset and feel that feeling again
i sit and press rewind and watch us everynight..
wanna pause it, but i can't make it stay

round for round til' we knocked love out
you were laying in the ring, not making a sound
and if that's a metaphore of you and I
why is it so hard to say g'bye

I can't wait to hate you
make you, pain like i do..
still can't shake you off..
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes..
seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you,
break you, down so low
there's no place left to go..

I can't wait to hate you..
uh uh uh..

no need to call my phone cause I changed my number today
a matter a fact, I think i'm moving away (away)
sorry, the fustrations got me feeling awake
and i just keep having one last thing to say
and i just wanna hold you, touch you,
feel you, be near you, i miss you baby baby baby..
i'm tired of try'na fake through, but there's nothing I can do..
boy I can't wait to hate you..

I can't wait to hate you
make you, pain like i do..
still can't shake you off..
I can't wait to break through
these, emotional changes..
seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you,
break you, down so low
there's no place left to go..

I can't wait to hate you.. baby..

I can't wait to H.A.T.E.U.
Cuz right now i need you
I Can't wait to let you go

binge, purge, cry, cut

2010-01-02T19:00:00.002-06:00

my christmas was a mixture of good and bad.

christmas morning: i was with my nephew, mom, sister, and nieces. i watched them open all their presents. it was so rad! i spent like $1500 on them so seeing the smiles on their faces was worth EVERY penny. : ) my mom got me a digital camera, and some perfume from gwen stefani's harajuku lovers line. i love gwen stefani! i've been wearing clothes from her harajuku lovers line and her lamb line since it first came out, so i was super stoked about that.

christmas evening: had dinner with my boyfriend, his mom, and his kids. binged like a freaking monster, felt so full and fat that of course i had to go purge. got caught. i was trying to be a silent and possible while doing it, but my boyfriend walked in on me. (in retrospect, how could i have possibly thought i could barf in silence? what was i thinking?) i was so embarrassed and ashamed because i promised him that i wasn't going to throw up anymore, and i got stone cold busted. i couldn't look him in his eyes because i could just feel how disappointed he was. i felt really guilty. i cut myself on the inside of my left wrist with a razor blade. i sat in his mom's bathroom for about five minutes and cried my eyes out. i hate that i disappointed him, and i hate that i lied to him. luckily for me, his mom didn't notice how red my eyes were after i reappeared.

so that was my christmas day in a nutshell. the good outweighed the bad.

because i can't stop eating, i've gained weight. back up to 116. gross! i keep trying to make myself feel better by saying that everyone gains weight around the holidays, but this sucks, damn it! starting tomorrow, i'm going on a fast. i'm not sure how many days it's going to last, but i hope it goes well. i'm going to try not to purge anymore because of the promise i made to my boyfriend. i don't want to disappoint him.

why r u?

2010-01-01T17:00:00.001-06:00

Why are you the one?
I can’t lose
What’s the reason that I’m here again it’s crazy?
I keep waiting, but I’m foolish cause you’ll never change.
Wasted all my time and here I am still crying over you, over you

Hey, loving you is so hard,
I keep trying baby,
I just end up with scars
And I keep fighting baby

Loving you is like a battle that I can’t afford to lose, I can’t lose,
So I’m asking you
Why are you the only thing that I care about?
Why are you the only thing that I care about?
Why are you the only thing I think about?
Why are you the only one?

But baby you’re no good for me,
No, you can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one
No, you can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one

I know I hate it, hate it that I can’t forget you
I try my best but, I’m a mess cause I can’t shake you.
Wanna call you but my pride won’t let it get the best of me, the best of me

Loving you is so hard,
But I keep trying baby,
I just end up with scars
Cause I keep fighting baby

Loving you is like a battle that I can’t afford to lose, I can’t lose,
So I’m asking you
Why are you the only thing that I care about?
Why are you the only thing that I care about?
Why are you the only thing I think about?
Why are you the only one?

But baby you’re no good for me,
No, you can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one
You can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one
Ohh I can’t believe I’m still crying
And ohh it ain’t because I ain’t been trying
I’m losing sleep cause I can’t help but think about the past
And how we didn’t last, how we didn’t last

(repeat x 2)
Why are you the only thing that I care about?
Why are you the only thing that I care about?
Why are you the only thing I think about?
Why are you the only one?

But baby you’re no good for me,
No, you can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one
You can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one

thoughts

2009-12-28T18:31:00.002-06:00

how can i be so lonely

when i'm surrounded

by so many people

try sleeping with a broken heart

2009-12-12T18:09:00.001-06:00

Even if you are a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever try sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don't you hold me, need me
I thought you told me, you'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love with you
Right till the end

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could've told you right from the start it's 'bout to fall apart
So rather than hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight
I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

it kills me

2009-12-02T06:48:00.001-06:00

Oh yaahh ive got trouble with my friends
Trouble in my life
Problems when you don’t come home at night
But when you do you always start a fight
But I cant be alone , I need you to come on home
I know you messin around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down
Ooooh I gotta be out my mind to think it’s gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave, but the other side still believes
And it kills me to know how much I really love you
So much I wanna ooh hoo ohh to you hoo hoo
Should I grab his cell, call this chick up
Start some shhhh then hang up
Or I should I be a lady
Oohh maybe cuz I wanna have his babies
Ohh yah yahh cuz I don’t wanna be alone
I dont need to be on my own
But I love this man
But some things I cant stand ohhhh
Ive gotta be out my mind
To think its gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave but the other half still believes
and it kills mee to know how much I really love you
So much I wanna oohh hoo ohhh, to you hoo hooo

high-five

2009-11-28T22:18:00.000-06:00

i stayed under 500 calories.
i can't feel hunger anymore.
i hope this feeling never goes away.

sabotage

2009-11-24T00:53:00.002-06:00

i'm loving this song so much....this girl has got a voice on her!

It's sabotage now
I keep praying she'll leave me alone
But she keeps waiting outside of my home
I've got an angel on the left saying "Don't give in"
But the evil on the right is saying "Let her in"
She won't stop kicking down my door, oh
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now
I can't hold on to guys I like
'Cause she keeps looking with wondering eyes
I've got an angel on the left screaming "Get away"
But the devil on the right is saying "Time to play"
And I can't take it anymore
It's sabotage now
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now
When I fall in love
I cause myself so much pain
I sabotage my heart
And I don't know how to change
It doesn't matter what I say, what I do
'Cause in the end she always wins, I always lose
I need to get her out of my life
Oh
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now

thoughts floating around in my head

2009-11-16T18:26:00.002-06:00

i was in third grade when my stepfather started molesting me.

he came into my room one night after everyone else had fell asleep.

i felt a hand going under my nightgown and then into my panties.

i awoke to him masturbating with one hand, and rubbing my privates with the other.

groping.

touching.

probing.

molesting.

hurting.

this went on for at least six years.

over two-hundred times.

i remember when it would happen.... i would squeeze my eyes shut, and try to separate myself from it.

it felt like i was on the outside looking in. watching him hurt me over and over and over and over and over again.

i've been emotionally shut down for so long.

i still remember what his penis looks like, smells like, and tastes like.

felt so dirty.

i still feel dirty.

so dirty that i shower at least three times a day.

i scrub my skin until its raw and bleeding.

so dirty that sometimes i don't want my boyfriend to touch me.

so dirty that i'm afraid of most men.

so dirty that i don't trust most men.

so dirty that i pray like hell that my nieces and nephew will never have to go through something like that.

i feel so dirty....i just want to wash this away.

i want these thoughts out of my head.

he lives in my panties.

2009-11-10T19:03:00.008-06:00

blair underwood.

he is so fucking fine.

i want to lick the sweat off his body.

that is all.

yuck.

2009-11-05T13:38:00.002-06:00

i started my period this morning , and it's turned me into a binge monster.

grilled cheese sandwich.

vegatable soup.

granola bars.

cranberry juice.

chocolate ice cream.

yuck.

fatty's going to the gym now.

peace and blessings,

vixen

back on track

2009-10-12T15:11:00.003-05:00

hey blog fam! ugh... i've so m.i.a.! no excuse. absolutely no excuse.

i had the flu for a week and a half, which sucked, but the best part about it is i lost not 1

not 2

not 3

not 4

not 5

not 6

not 7

not 8

not 9

not 10

not 11

not 12

but 13 pounds!! i can't believe i lost that much weight in a week in a half! i've actually kept it off, which is dope. i'm not on the abc diet anymore, i'm just going to do a water fast for the next three days, and then after that, i'll have 500 calorie days. i'm going to do this for two weeks every month. it's not really that hard to do....i just pick a 100 calorie soup (which is very filling) and then i have water, take my vitamins and eat my fruit. ahh...control...i love it.

my best friends wedding was saturday! she looked so beautiful, and i was so honored that she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. we were running around all crazy for the past three weeks trying to get everything done. it was so worth it. the wedding was a hit!

my mom's birthday is thursday! she's turning 49. i'm going to break her off some cash and a couple cards.

i've started my christmas shopping, and i've already gotten my mom's presents and my sisters. all i have to get is my neices and nephews presents. and a present for my boyfriend, of course.

what's on everyone else's christmas list? let me know in the comments!

to all my pro-ana girls: stay strong! i love you!

xoxo

vixen

fuck.

2009-09-13T06:51:00.002-05:00

major fuck up.

family get together at my boyfriend's mom's house on labor day. they both know about my eating disorders, but they don't know that i've relapsed. i'm sure my boyfriend has told her about my new eating habits, which are non-existant. his mom made me this huge plate of mac n cheese, green beans, baked beans (no meat cuz i'm kind of a vegan). i ate while they watched me with worried eyes. i didn't want to disappoint them, so i ate almost everything on my plate.

i didn't purge. i couldn't we didn't leave her house until 3 hours after i ate, so there was no way it was coming back up. i worked out for 2 hours when i finally made it home.

i restarted the abc diet on tuesday and it's going well.

thank you to everyone who comment and following my blog! i appreciate it so much.

xoxo

vixen

get your armor

2009-09-02T20:55:00.003-05:00

a little bit of an update

2009-08-30T14:46:00.003-05:00

hi. i'm still alive.

i haven't really had time to post, and honestly, i'm a little burnt out.

my life has taken on somewhat of a routine:

work.

dance classes.

meetings with a tutor (i'm trying to prepare myself to get back in school).

spending time with the family and the boyfriend.

more work.

gym.

good news: i've lost 7 pounds on the abc diet. my legs are getting muscular from the daily workouts and from taking all the dance classes.

bad news: my boyfriend is on to me. i kind of fainted in the shower at his house the other day. i felt so woozy, and everything turned to black. luckily, i came out unscathed. he's noticed my eating habits (or lack thereof) and he's stressing over me. the hardest part is that i'm hiding this from him. i don't want to disappoint him because he was so proud of me when i started therapy.

it's actually easier to hide it from my mom this time around because i'm never at home, and when i am at home she's either sleeping or at work.

once again, i'm really sorry if i've disappointed anyone by relapsing, but i feel this is what's best for me right now. thanks to everyone for your wonderful comments, and i do read ALL the blogs that are on my blogroll, even though i don't always comment on them.

that's all, folks!

peace and blessings,

vixen

just checking in

2009-08-06T07:33:00.003-05:00

this is my meal plan for today:

breakfast: water

lunch: tomato soup (30 cals a cup)

dinner: water

i'm also going to the gym after i do my morning run.

(thinforever, this is for you! you know i'm your biggest fan! lol.)

this isn't going to be a super long post....i just wanted to let everybody know that i'm alive. i will be back to posting regularly soon.

i'm sorry if i've let anyone down by relapsing, but i need to do what's best for me.

peace and blessings,

vixen

Relapse

2009-07-19T17:32:00.003-05:00

hi. as you can see from the title, i've had a relapse. i stepped on the scale on monday morning, and i saw that i've gained of total of ten pounds since i've started treatment, and i flipped out. felt like a cow. felt like a fat failure.

binged.

purged.

and for the time being, starvation.

i'm going to take a little break from blogging. i'm not sure when i'll be back. i've got to get this weight off.

peace and blessings,

vixen

Drama, Drama

2009-07-05T17:10:00.005-05:00

Hey everybody! I want to apologize for my random posting. I've just been so busy working almost 60 hours a week, going to my dance classes, and spending quality time with my family. When I get home at the end of the day, I just poop out! I just want everybody to know that I do read all the blogs on my blogroll, even though I don't comment on them.

Now on to more interesting things....

I want Maxwell to make love to me. He is so sexy!

There has been so much drama going on with Panda and her boyfriend. Her bf is basically a drunk loser. He's 24, he lives with his grandfather, he doesn't work, he's not in school. All he does is sit around and drink beer and smoke pot all day. He totaled her car (he claimed someone tried to steal it) he's always in and out of jail. Here's the kicker: he HIT her. She's still with him. She lied to us (us being my friends... I feel the need to give them nicknames: Pleasure D, Brickhouse and KK) and told us that she wasn't going back to him but that same night she went RIGHT BACK to his house. All of us girls almost got into a fight with him, and she just sat in her fucking car and watched. Didn't do a damn thing. He broke my sunglasses and he punched me in my arm. You better believe that I got his ass back right in the eye before the girls dragged me to the car. They just wanted to haul ass before the cops came. I already told her I'm done with her. I refuse to help someone who doesn't want my help. I haven't talked to her in three days. I'm really scared for her.... he's gonna end up killing her. I don't know what else to do.

I've been tagged by some LOVELY people: the-beautifully-flawed-one.blogspot.com gave me the Honest Scrap award in which I'm supposed to reveal 10 truths about myself. Here goes:

1.) I LOVE shopping. Whenever I hit the mall, I get this euphoric feeling. It's like the best orgasm you've ever had in your whole life multiplied by 100. I have a serious problem. Whenever I'm not shopping, I'm browsing clothes online. It's like Carrie Bradshaw said: "I like my money right where I can see it- hanging in my closet". Me too. Carrie Bradshaw ain't never lied. I do feel a little guilty when I shop though. Even though I have a nice little chunk of change in my savings account, I feel like I could contribute to it more if I didn't shop so much.

2.) I LOVE my mommy. So much. More than words can say.

3.) I cried like a baby when I heard about Michael Jackson's passing. I'm such a big fan of all his talents.

4.) I love this video:

5.) I don't understand Twitter.

6.) I still have nightmares about being raped at 13. Sucks.

7.) I love cowboy boots. I have a bright red pair, and they're my favorite.

8.) I cried at my nephews kindergarten graduation. He's growing up so fast!

9.) I burst into song at random moments.

10.) I'm scared to get pregnant because I don't want to get those gross stretchmarks on my stomach.

Here's my second tag from thesweetheartchronicles.blogspot.com and poeticsatindoll.blogspot.com

1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I'm tagging all my new followers!

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

hey!

2009-07-05T09:28:00.001-05:00

As you can see, I'm switching up the template of my blog. I haven't forgotten about being tagged (thanks, guys!) and I will back later on today with a new post and tags.

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

R.I.P. Michael

2009-06-25T18:49:00.007-05:00

I can't believe he's really gone... I admire his music and his dancing style so much....there are so many artists out today who wouldn't have careers if it weren't for him.

R.I.P. Michael. You will be missed.

Somebody's Gotta Be On Top

2009-06-21T09:02:00.003-05:00

Ladies, help me please! I still haven't mastered the art of being on top during sex. Any tips? Hit me up in the comments. All advice is much appreciated!

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Broken-Hearted Girl

2009-06-16T18:22:00.002-05:00

I've loved this song since the I Am.... Sasha Fierce album came out, and I've been waiting for this video since FOREVER but.... I am so DISAPPOINTED. I had really high expectations for this one, and they were definitely not met. : (

River Deep, Mountain High

2009-06-03T11:58:00.000-05:00

Artist Spotlight: Tamia

2009-05-22T20:53:00.002-05:00

Dear Slash...

2009-05-18T20:54:00.002-05:00

I want you. That is all.

There's Nobody Like Her

2009-05-11T20:13:00.003-05:00

This is why I LOVE my mom: She just bought me a pair of bright red toe shoes. Later for the old pink ones! I can't wait to wear these babies to my dance class tomorrow! All the girls are going to be hatin' so hard!

Thanks, mom. YOU DA BEST!!!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

Artist Spotlight: Prince

2009-05-10T17:59:00.000-05:00

Tired.

2009-05-05T06:51:00.002-05:00

Hey! I wanted to do a post today, but I'm tired from a four-hour long love making session with my boyfriend. I'll get back to you guys as soon as my man and I get some rest.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

"Everybody needs somebody/You're not the only one"- 'November Rain' by Guns N Roses

Tagged!!

2009-05-03T09:13:00.005-05:00

I was tagged by my blog sister Lucky () Hey Lucky!

Here goes!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1) Getting married
2) Having kids
3) My ballet recital next month
4) Seeing my 4 year old niece in her school uniform (She's starting kindergarten soon!)
5) Getting a pedicure. My toe shoes have totally ruined my sexy polish!
6) Getting the new Blackberry because my Blackberry Pearl sucks major monkey balls
7) Buying myself a digital camera because I didn't get one for Christmas
8) Corinne Bailey Rae's new album, whenever it comes out. She's one of my favorites.

8 Things I Did Yesterday
1) Showered
2) kissed my boyfriend, stepdaughter, and stepson
3) worked
4) called my grandma and sister
5) read natural hair blogs. I'm natural as well!
6) went to my ballet and jazz dance classes
7) wrote a poem
8) slept

8 Things I Wish I Could Do
1) Slash from Guns N Roses. I WANT HIM!!!
2) swim. I'm always talking about bathing suits, but I can't even swim
3) learn more about football. I just don't get it!
4) be invisible.
5) travel the world with my family
6) have a successful publishing company
7) record an album
8) meet Prince. But then I'd die from excitement.

8 Shows That I Watch
1) America's Next Top Model
2) For The Love Of Ray J
3) I Love Money
4) Taking The Stage
5) The Hills
6) 90210
7) College Hill
8) Harlem Heights

I'm tagging A.M., Tima and Nasha, iCandy.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

I Met Sheila E!!!

2009-04-29T18:17:00.003-05:00

I met Sheila E. at my job today! I've been a fan of hers since i was in diapers! She is so nice and so humble! She took a picture with me, and she hugged me twice!! If you don't know who she us, here is her bio:

Sheila Escovedo was born into a musical family. The eldest child of Pete and Juanita Escovedo (she has two brothers, Juan and Peter Michael, and one sister, Zina), she started playing with the family instruments at the age of 3.

Sheila was obviously influenced by her father Latin jazz legend and timbalero Pete Escovedo (then band leader of the influential band Azteca) while watching him rehearse. At 5 years old, she made her concert "debut" at the former Sands Ballroom in Oakland, as she was invited on stage by her father to play a solo in front of an audience of 3,000. At that moment, Sheila knew exactly what she wanted to do: she was going to be a percussionist.

From age 17, Sheila has recorded and toured extensively with renowned artists such as Babyface, Billy Cobham, Natalie Cole, George Duke, Pete Escovedo, Gloria Estefan, Marvin Gaye, Herbie Hancock, Stevie Nicks, Patti LaBelle, Cyndi Lauper, Prince, Lionel Richie, Diana Ross, Ringo Starr, Tito Puente, Don Was, Stevie Wonder and countless others, but to name a few.

In 1983, Sheila caught the attention of Prince and changed her name to "Sheila E.," and Prince helped her record her first solo album, "The Glamorous Life." The first single from the album, "The Glamorous Life," written, performed, and directed by Sheila E., was released in the spring of 1984 and earned popular and critical acclaim. This single went on to receive multiple Grammy and American Music Award nominations, and won MTV's Best Video Award. "The Glamorous Life" yielded a hit single in the title track, and another hit for its follow-up single, "The Belle of St. Mark."

After three months of sold out performances in Europe and the United States, Sheila began touring as the opening act for Prince's 1984-85 sold out Purple Rain Tour, all while composing her follow-up album, "Romance 1600." Released in August of 1985, "Romance 1600" raced up the charts with its mega-single "A Love Bizarre." A three-month engagement opening for Lionel Richie followed a headlining tour in the spring, 1986, of which a video of her March 1986 San Francisco performance (called "Romance 1600 Live") was later that year released.

In 1986, Sheila made her acting debut in the motion picture "Krush Groove," and contributed the song "Holly Rock" to its soundtrack. Soon after, she released her third album entitled "Sheila E.," which included yet another smash single, "Hold Me," which went to #1 on Billboard's chart and had a fast-growing international reputation. Instead of touring to support her own album, however, Sheila joined Prince's band, playing drums and percussion, for his European tour supporting his album "Sign o' the Times," a tour that Rolling Stone Magazine readers rated as the 15th best tour in music history. Showing her strong family roots and love for Latin jazz, she joined her father, Pete, and fellow Latin jazz legend, the great Tito Puente, on a special concert which deviated from the pop and funk music she had become popular playing. Later released on video and CD as "Latina Familia," the performance showcased her skills as a virtuoso musician. In 1988 and 1989, Sheila toured again with Prince on his "Lovesexy" World Tour, playing drums and percussion.

In the following year, she appeared in the Andrew Dice Clay comedy "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane" and in 1991, released her fourth CD, "Sex Cymbal." The CD, which was largely produced by her younger brother Peter Michael, included two singles accompanied by brilliant videos: the title track, and "Droppin' Like Flies."

After taking several years off for health reasons, Sheila's next project, the E-Train, started in 1994. The band that played a mixture of soul, Latin jazz, funk, fusion and gospel toured in Europe in 1994, and finally released a CD, entitled "Writes of Passage" in 1998.

In 1998, Sheila became the first female bandleader on late night television on Magic Johnson's variety show "The Magic Hour," and she co-wrote and co-produced the late night show's theme song.

Sheila has played on countless albums, including the soundtrack to "Prince of Egypt," featuring Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey, successful Japanese artist Namie Amuro (whom she also toured with in 1996 and 2002) and Gloria Estefan's hugely successful "Mi Tierra."

Among her other notable appearances, Sheila performed at the 35th Annual Academy Awards with the incomparable Placido Domingo, the 1996 Summer Olympics and was featured in the "all girl" Grammy production opening number featuring Ellen DeGeneres. Other notable performances included MTV Unplugged with Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds, and "The Concert of The Americas," where past and present U.S. Presidents and their families were in attendance. Appeared as "featured artist" with Jennifer Lopez on her promotional tour in 1999. Performed with Prince, Wendy & Lisa at the 2006 Brit Awards with a viewing audience of over 20 million, appeared with Prince at the 2007 ALMA Awards, with Juan Luis Guerra at the 8th Annual Latin Grammy Awards, and with Gloria Estefan at the 2008 Emmy Award-winning television event and music celebration Idol Gives Back.

In 2004 Sheila joined Prince on the "Musicology" tour, which was seen by 1.5 million people. She also performed "The Glamorous Life" at the 7th Annual VH1 Divas, a benefit concert for the VH1 Save the Music Foundation that was televised worldwide, and appeared on the TBN network show "Praise The Lord" that received the highest ratings of the season. In 2005 Sheila was a Featured Artist and Musical Director for her first gospel tour "Sisters In The Spirit" featuring Yolanda Adams, Martha Munizzi, Kelly Price, Juanita Bynum and RiZen. In the summer of 2006 Sheila returned for the third time and toured in concert with the legendary Ringo Starr. In 2006 Sheila founded her all girl group C.O.E.D. (Chronicles Of Every Diva) featuring Sheila E., Rhonda Smith, Kat Dyson, and Cassandra O'Neal, who went on their highly acclaimed first European tour in March 2007 with special guest Dutch sax player Candy Dulfer. In 2007, Sheila was chosen as one of the celebrity judges for American Idol Spin-Off "The Next Great American Band."

Founder and president of HEAVEN PRODUCTIONS MUSIC, a music production company, Sheila and company has been hired to direct and arrange music for the ALMA Awards (1998 & 1999), The 1998 WoW Awards, 1998 Gospel Music Association's annual event, and the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards. She co-hosted ABC's Countdown To the American Music Awards with Wayne Brady, hosted 10 episodes of VH1's Arsenio Jams, and appeared as a celebrity judge for NBCs Americas Most Talented Kids Finals. In 2003 she wrote, recorded and taped a montage for the World Series in Baseball.

Currently, Sheila, a philanthropist, continues to devote her talents and time to the Elevate Hope Foundation (EHF), a charitable organization (which she is co-founder and co-chair) that assists the needs of abused and abandoned children through music therapy. Despite the demands of her commitment to making music, she maintains a heavy involvement in the organization. "There are so many kids who need our help," she says, "And we're trying to help them get their lives together by building their confidence through music and the arts. It's just another way for me to do God's will, another reason for living. I believe we are here to help people in this lifetime. We must give something of ourselves to truly live." Sheila E. and EHF have presented countless events to raise money for the foundation.

Besides her charitable work through the Elevate Hope Foundation, Sheila performed on USA For Africa's "We Are the World," for African famine relief. She contributed her rendition of "Mary Had A Little Lamb" to the Pediatric Aids Foundation with 6 million CDs and videos sold worldwide for the project "For Our Children." Received rave reviews for her riveting performance at the APLA (Aids Project Los Angeles) benefit with Barbra Streisand, Patti LaBelle, Natalie Cole, Shirley Mac Laine, and Liza Minnelli. Was honored for her contribution and dedication to the community, and received the Imagen Foundation's Humanitarian Award, Angels Across America Award, The Prism Lifetime Achievement Award, Woman Of The Year Award, and Women Of Soul Award which were all presented for her work through the Elevate Hope Foundation.

Her enthusiasm for "passing it on" to a new generation of players led her to design "The Sheila E. Player's Series", a new line of percussion instruments for kids with TOCA Kaman Music. The latest adult percussion Custom Series "Class E" line was also developed.

Her last CD release "Heaven" is an enchanting combination of adult contemporary, funk, jazz and inspirational tracks. For a list of her albums, singles, videos and recordings for other artists visit the discography.

Most recently, Sheila E. participated in the third season of CMT's hit show, "Gone Country." With the goal of creating a hit country music single, each "Gone Country" cast member is uprooted to Nashville for an intense two-week challenge. Justin Guarini, Taylor Dayne, George Clinton, Tara Conner, Richard Grieco, and Micky Dolenz competed on the third season along with Sheila E. Each celebrity was paired with two of Nashville's finest songwriters with whom they wrote a country single. In addition to meeting with songwriters, the cast competed in challenges that tested them musically and physically to adapt to a life in country music, both on and off the stage. Sheila E. was the Grand Prize Winner of the third season and has gone on to release her first country single & video for her song, "Glorious Train."

Sheila E. is indeed a multi-faceted drummer, percussionist, vocalist, songwriter, performer, arranger, producer, composer, instrumentalist and humanitarian. Her gifts have brought joy on the world and have made her one of today's brightest talents, and she continues to be one of our most treasured stars.

Birthday Recap

2009-04-21T09:34:00.002-05:00

Hey! I know I said that I would be giving you the details of my birthday to you on Sunday morning, but my grandma ended up having to have an emergency open heart surgery that day. Needless to say, I was scared shitless and blogging about my birthday wasn't something I was up for doing. She's fine now and the doctors expect her to make a full recovery. So thank the Lord for that. I love my Granny so much and I would be devastated if something happened to her.

My birthday bash was a huge success! It was the best time ever. My girls and I got all cute and dressed up (have you ever shared a bathroom mirror with five other girls? Craziness.) and we went to dinner first. Then went to sex shop where I got some things for my boyfriend and myself (one of those things includes a school girls uniform! Hottness! I can't wait for him to see it!) and my friends and I were just generally acting silly. After we left the sex shop, we went to see male strippers! OMG! Those dudes were so fine! My bestie Panda got a face full of peen from this stripper named Chocolate God. He was soooo fine. I'm glad my boyfriend wasn't there cuz he probably would have kicked my ass if he saw me drooling all over those strippers!! Thank God Panda was our designated driver, because by the time we left the strip club, we were tipsy as hell! It was Panda's bright idea for us to get someone liquor and take it back to her place. It was five in the morning, and all of us were FUCKED UP!!!! That was the best birthday I've ever had!!

Peace and Blessing,

vixen

A Very Special Day

2009-04-17T09:47:00.005-05:00

My 23rd birthday!

And very special birthday wishes going out to my twin sister! Love you, sister!

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

P.S. I decided we're not going to the club! Instead....we're gonna see male strippers!
I'll be back Sunday morning to give all the details about my birthday bash. Thanks for all the advice and well wishes!

It's A Matter Of A Extreme Importance....

2009-04-13T19:23:00.003-05:00

..... my first grown up club affair.

Remember how I told you guys how my 23rd birthday is this Friday? Well, I'm going out with a group of friends, and they were like 'lets go to____________ (insert club name)'. I agreed because 1) I was a little bit tipsy and 2) i didn't want to seem lame and ask, 'what's ____________ (insert club name)?' I've never even heard of this place...I had no idea it was a club. The problem is, I HATE clubs. So my question is, would I be wrong if I wanted to change the plans I made with my girls and do something completely different? Or should I just go to the club and grin and bear it? I still want to hang out with them, but just not at the club. I kinda feel like since it's my birthday celebration, should have a say-so about it, but at the same time I don't want to disappoint my friends. What would you do? Let me know in the comments.

xoxo

vixen

Artist Spotlight: Corinne Bailey Rae

2009-04-12T19:33:00.003-05:00

It's Friday Night....

2009-04-03T19:11:00.004-05:00

.....and I'm sitting at home by myself watching 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders Of The Eighties on VH-1. Why? Because my boyfriend doesn't get off work until 10. I can't wait to see him.... I need some peen. Even though we had a quickie this morning. : ) I love him so much, I'm so glad we're back together. I love falling asleep in his arms, kissing him , and spending time with his children. I love how he interacts with his kids..... It's actually one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. I really feel like we're starting to come together as a real family.

My leg is getting better. I put on my toe shoes this morning, and I actually could stand on my toes without my leg hurting. Out of all my dance classes, I miss ballet the most. I take jazz, hip-hop, tap, modern street styles, and ballet. I feel the most connected to the ballet classes because I've been taking them since I was 3 years old. Hopefully I will be able to attend my classes again starting next week.

I've been eating pretty well.... no binging and purging, no more starving myself, and I've been attending therapy. I'm really happy about getting better. I still have thoughts about losing weight, but I just push them out. I still do tons of sit-ups, because I'm so not trying to have a pudge while I'm rocking my bikini this summer, no ma'am.

I'm really feeling this video this week.

That is all.

Peace and Blessings

vixen

I Can't Think Of A Title For This

2009-03-31T21:03:00.005-05:00

Hey hey hey everybody! Just thought I would check in.....

Live blogging while watching 'College Hill'.....

Terri's weave is HIDEOUS.

Brandon isn't all that cute but his body is sick.

Milan is kinda fly in a stuck up diva-ish kinda way. (I secretly want to be her)

Kyle is such a queen! I want a gay bestie so bad.

Why is this Terri chick so dramatic?

And where are her edges?

***Sidebar: my mom got me some yogurt! End sidebar.****

Chris is such a cutie.

GIRLFIGHT!!! Damn..... Milan almost ripped Terri's wack ass tracks out!

Oh no....one of the girls have to go! I don't want either of them to leave.

Damn they voted Terri out! : (

I love Allison's hair.

Recap: I've come to the conclusion that Terri has low self-esteem and Milan's makeup will melt off her face if she's overexposed to the sun.

****

Today was a boring ass day....I worked.... came home, tried to clean my room, and caught up on some of my writing. Did I forget to tell you that I'm writing a book? I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I haven't been able to attend any of my dance classes this week because I pulled a muscle in my right leg while running around my block. I put on my toe shoes this morning, and I almost cried. I miss my classes so bad! I'm such a baby..... I'll be fine in a week.

Ooooh.... I'm tired. Gotta go get my beauty sleep!

xoxo

vixen

P.S. Where is Tima and Nasha? Come back, girls! Young Black Beauty: sending you an email soon. I wanna read your private blog!

It's Been A While.....

2009-03-24T16:07:00.002-05:00

and I'm so sorry for not keeping my blog family updated like I should have. There's been so much going on in my personal life. My boyfriend and I got back together, and things are going extremely well. I love his ass so much! Words can't describe how much he means to me. Our Valentine's Day was really nice: we worked together the entire day and most of the night and I didn't think he was going to get me a gift, so when I got in his car after we got off, I was surprised to see balloons, candy, a card, and a teddy bear. Everybody say it with me: AAAAAWWWWW!! I was so surprised..... it was a pleasant surprise. He also got me some bomb ass speakers to got with my ipod. So you know what we had to do when we got back to his house, right? Made love all night. It was the best Valentine's Day ever.

Anywhos, my aunt has breast cancer, so I need you guys to pray for her. My uncle V might have it in his lungs again (he had it in '94 and it went in remission in '97 but now the doctors are saying he might have it again) so I need you guys to pray for him as well.

Guess what? I've gained 6 pounds, and I haven't binged or purged within the past month and a half. I'll be honest, I almost flipped out and lost my shit when I stepped on the scale and saw that I gained weight, but then I realized that I needed to gain weight to truly get over my eating disorders. My boyfriend is happy, he wants me to gain more weight so my butt can get bigger, lol. I've been doing a ton of crunches so none of the weight goes to my tummy, cuz I gotta get my belly button pierced so I can rock my bikini for the entire summer.

On to more fun things....

I GOT A MACBOOK!!!! I'm so in love with it already. I have the silver one. It's ssoooo sleek and zexy. Photo Booth is the best invention ever. My boyfriend and I have already made a sex tape on it. Don't worry, after we watched it a couple times, I deleted it. I'm not trying to pull a Kim Kardashian. (Even though she's fine as hell. If I could hook up with one girl it would be her, without a doubt. Her curves are so hot.)

Speaking of Kim Kardashian, why didn't anyone tell me that her ex Ray-J was doing that show on VH-1? If I had known he was doing that, I would have auditioned for it. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but I saw the sex tape Ray-J did with Kim Kardashian and um.... can you say LONG DONG SILVER?!? His music may suck, but his peen looks like a baseball bat.

Moving right along.....

I just some sew-in extentions, and it hurts like hell!!! The braids under my weave are so tight! It hurts so bad. I was so close to taking it down, but I spent too much money getting it done, so I'm just gonna have to ride this one out.

My birthday is next month on the 17th! I'll be 23. I'm so excited I'm having a girls night to celebrate. It's gonna be the best time ever.

Get your money straight.....I'm expecting a shitload of presents.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Artist Spotlight: Sade

2009-03-05T15:36:00.000-06:00

What The Fuck Does Acting White Mean Anyway?

2009-02-12T16:08:00.006-06:00

Why are some black people so ignorant?!? Just because I want to go to school and be educated doesn't mean I'm trying to be white. What do you know, some black people actually DO go to college and WORK!! So fucking what if I'm 22 and I don't have any kids? I'M NOT MARRIED YOU FUCKING LOSER!! Just because you had all 3 of your kids while you were a teenager doesn't mean everyone else has too also. I don't aspire to be 20 years old, unmarried with 3 kids, unemployed, on welfare, BROKE, living in the projects with a loser lazy ass boyfriend. You can't be serious. I'm not a food stamp champ. Why do I have to go to work everyday and struggle with no insurance when there's girls like you who have a bunch of kids so you don't have to work AND get health insurance?!?! It's girls like you who make it hard for girls like me. I wish I could have health insurance. Looks like I'm gonna have to pop a bunch of kids just so I can go to the doctor if I need to. What the fuck are you doing?!? Get up off your ass and get a fucking job. So what if I don't want to stand outside on the goddamn corner all day? What the hell are you doing, counting all the cars that go by? I have more to do to myself than to just stand outside and look stupid. Use that energy to get a fucking job!! Stop saying the N word. People like you make white people think its ok for them to say the N word too. This is why we as a culture can't make positive changes for ourselves. We hold ourselves back. Why are you talking so loud? SHUT UP!!

I"M NOT ACTING WHITE I'M JUST BEING MYSELF!!

***disclaimer: Sorry if this offended anyone. I just needed to get this off my chest. I love all my black brothas and sistas, even the ones that piss me off!***

Bliss......

2009-01-15T16:42:00.002-06:00

The ex and I have gotten back together.

This is the happiest I've been in a very long time.

I love him so much and while that is a very good feeling, it scares me to death.

Taking a chance and letting it all go.

Gotta jet.

Going to go make love to my man.

Peace and blessings,

Vixen

Revolution Is Now

2009-01-12T15:35:00.003-06:00

Hey beautiful people! Missed you!

Where to begin.....

These are my new years resoultions:

move out of my moms house
blog more often
learn to love my body for what it is and lose the attachment I have for the scale in my bathroom
work on my temper (sometimes the vixen can be a real bitch!)
learn to be more patient
stop drinking so much diet coke
work on my self-esteem
learn to trust men
stop procrastinating
work out more often
eat more fruits and vegtables
learn to love myself more

What else do I have to say? Oh damn I almost forgot! I'm going to therapy. I've addressed the issues with my eating disorders, but I really need to learn how to deal with all the things that happened to me when I was younger (being raped when I was 13, and being molested by my stepfather), and I've been snapping on my mom for no reason. She really doesnt deserve that, and I need to control my temper. So wish me luck! My first session is going to be sometime next month. (and I'm getting a pap smear Thursday morning.)

So I hung out with Panda Friday night. It was so fun! We had drinks with some of our old friends from high school, and um.....I got drunk! I never drink, bur for some weird reason, I felt like I had to keep on drinking. I totally puked all over my friend's house, and two of the girls had to help me walk to the car because I could'nt stand up straight. The girls and I also watched porn. (We were curious....none of us know how to ride a dick properly....ladies, if you have any tips PLEASE let me know!) Good times, good times.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Rehab

2009-01-12T15:29:00.002-06:00

I fucking LOVE this song!

Rehab- Rihanna

I will be back with a real post later on.

peace and blessings,

vixen

Random

2008-12-22T17:56:00.013-06:00

Hey! Just wanted to say that I'm not neglecting my blog on purpose. It's just that my internet has been on some BULLSHIT!

Thank you so much for being patient with me.

Err...where do I begin? My life has been pretty hectic for the past three weeks. I've been working, going to my dance classes, attending the meetings for my eating disorders, and Christmas shopping.

Here's my Christmas list:

Daisy by Marc Jacobsa digital camera

Christian Dior Diorshow mascara in very black

this Louis Vuitton bag

The Complete First Season of Fame

My dance classes have been fucking awesome! I'm taking tap, jazz, ballet , and hip-hop. I love it!

So um.....the ex and I slept together on Saturday night. I stayed the night at his house. It was actually quite nice.....we talked, and assured me that her never cheated. I'm a little apprehensive about us getting back together because of my insecurities. I'm really afraid of getting hurt....it's kinda like I'm sheilding myself from any future pain. I'm scared if I let him back in something bad will happen and it'll blow up in my face. My biggest fear is that he'll find someone better (in my twisted head, better means skinner and prettier.) and forget about me. I love him , and I can't imagine not having him in my life. My fear of being hurt gets in the way of us being together , and I have a hard time trusting men. All the men that I've incountered have done really bad things to me (i.e. , my father walking out on me , my stepfather molesting me when I was younger , and being raped by another man when I was 13.) and I just can't seem to get over it. Errrr.....this is really complicated.

These are the songs I'm feeling this week:

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Merry Christmas!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

Let's Give 'Em Something To Talk About

2008-11-25T18:35:00.006-06:00

***this title has nothing to do with this post! cool points to whoever can tell me what song the title comes from!***

Tag! I'm it!
I've been tagged teamed by Curvy Girl and Songstress! (Hey girls! Love you long time!)

here are the rules:

here goes!

1. I eat 3 to 5 apples a day. I love apples.
2. I'm really horny. (TMI? Oh well! This is my blog, damnnit!)
3. I love this video
4. I love black nail polish even though my ex hates when I wear it.
5. I want to meet Maya Angelou. I love her poetry, and I feel a connection to her because our life stories are so similar.
6. My favorite movie of all time is Purple Rain. Gotta love that Prince! Sexy, sexy.

7. I own over 40 lip glosses.

I'm tagging anyone who wants to do this.

I know I've been gone for a while.....the world of Little Miss Vixen is quite crazy these days. My sister got an apartment! YAY! I'm so proud of her! I'm glad she moved out of my place but I'm missing my nieces and my nephew something fierce. I miss them sleeping in my bed with me. I love those kids so much...it's like I gave birth to them, lol.

Oh damn I almost forgot! I saw my father again the week of my uncles funeral. It was at the party my family had to celebrate my uncles life. Bad experience. He ignored my sister and I the whole time. And this shit right here is the fucking shocker: he has a 7 year old son. He actually takes care of this little boy and is involved in his life. Wow. This was my our first time meeting the little dude, and honestly I could care less about the little boy. The whole time we were at the party our father ignored us. I was trying to be strong for my sister, and it took every ounce of strength in my body for me not to walk up to my father and slap the cowboy shit outta him. I was so hurt....everytime he looked at the little boy, his eyes would just light up with unconditional love for the kid. He never looked at my sister and I like that ever in our lives. I'll be honest...that hurt like hell. Ugh.

The ex and I had a lengthy text discussion on Friday night. Here's how it went down:
ex: I've been doing alot of thinking since the day you broke up with me.
vixen: Thinking about what?
ex: I've been trying to figure out why you ended things.
vixen: Because I felt like you were cheating on me.
ex: I never cheated on you.

*****SWEET DAMN!!! He never cheated. I've been missing his ass something fierce****

Guys, he sounded so sincere when he said it. I want to believe him, but the insecure side of myself tells me that I should'nt. He wants us to get back together. Why is love so confusing? Anywhos, I ended up staying the night with him on Saturday. There was no sex invovled! (Which is why I'm so horny now, lol!) We just talked, spooned, and cuddled. I love that man so much. Love is so complicated!

These are the songs I'm feeling this week:
Energy by Keri Hilson

Is It A Crime (live) by Sade

Till It Happens To (live) by Corinne Bailey Rae

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

I'm Going Through Changes....

2008-11-12T20:22:00.004-06:00

Hi everybody! As you can see, I gave my blog a total makeover. I changed the title, got a new background, and somehow in the process I lost half of my fucking blogroll. I will be back with a real post soon. For now, I will leave you with some of my favorite videos to keep you entertained.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

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It's Obama Time!

2008-11-05T10:32:00.006-06:00

Tags And Things

2008-10-30T11:50:00.009-05:00

***EDIT:I DELETED ALL THE MUSIC FROM THIS POST. IT MAKES MY PAGE LOAD SLOW!***

Hey hey hey!!

So sorry I've bee M.I.A.

Been crazy busy. Working my ass off. My great uncle (my dad's uncle) died Friday morning. He had a stroke. I miss him. He was the coolest uncle ever. Treated my sister and I like we were his own. In memory of him, here's "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd

So my sister and I go to our uncles funeral on Tuesday morning and can you guess who we saw? Our deadbeat dad. He spots us, and he turns around and starts walking in the opposite direction. He's such a dumbass jackass. Ugh. So my sister is getting all emotional about it when our favorite uncle V (he's a cross-dresser. I love his ass! More about him in a later post) strolls over. He hugs us, and tells us that he loves us. That cheers us up, but I'm still upset that our father ignored us, but I'm most worried about my sister. I don't want him to hurt her again. I do know that we will probably see him again on Saturday because our family is having a get together in honor of my uncle. I'm excited because I really don't get to see that side of my family too often.

Things with Panda didn't go well. She stood me up.
No call.
No text.
Nothing.
I don't even care. I'm not going to beg her to be my friend. That's that.

I've been tagged by Ms. Magnificent!

The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

1. I have a fraternal twin sister. We aren't identical. I look like mom and she looks like dad. I'm ten minutes older than her.

2. I'm double jointed in my fingers and my toes.

3. I feel really bad for even admitting this, but I love my sister more than I love my older brother. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother but the way I love my sister is on a deeper and spiritual level.

4. I love rough sex. If I'm not getting my ass smacked and having my hair pulled while doing the do, I am not a happy camper. I also love deep kisses....if you're going to kiss me, don't give me a little peck! Use your tongue and make it nasty, please and thank you.

5. I love sunflower seeds.

6. I STAN for the Pussycat Dolls and Girlicious. (yes, I fux with bubblegum pop! don't judge me!) Their songs are so catchy, and their bodies are sick. I also love the way they dress.

7. I'm still stuck on my dad. If you don't know our history, please page down until you find this post: A Letter To My Father. That explains it all.

8. I'm half Haitian. My dad is a full blooded Haitian. His family moved to America when he was 5 years old. My mom is black.

I'm tagging:
Lucky
Tima and Nasha
iCandy21
Dope Fiend
contagiously cranky
luvinyounow
(I tried to post the links, but blogger is acting a damn fool! sorry!)

And now, I will leave you with two songs that I'm really feeling this week.

Almost-Tamia
Realize-Colbie Calliat

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

P.S. Get up and vote! I already did! It's up to us to help change our country for the better! Go team Obama!

Naughty Girl And A Best Friend Breakup

2008-10-19T17:30:00.005-05:00

I've been naughty....

I've been bad....

Spank me!!!!

I am SOOOOO sorry for not being on top of my blogging like I should be! I want to apologize to Tima and Nasha, Jaded, icandy21, Pink, Lucky, contagiously cranky, luvinyounow, brownngirl, and Kitty. (If I left anyone off this list, I'm sorry!) You guys, I am so sorry for not commenting on your blogs like I should be doing! I just simply haven't had the time. Just know that I love you forever, and I always read your posts even though I don't always comment on them.

How's my blog fam?! Good, I hope. Things are getting much better in the life of vixen. I'm still going to my treatment meeting for my anorexia and bulimia, and I've been eating 3 meals a day without throwing them up for the past week. YYYYYYAAAAAYYYY!!!! LOL! I'm really proud of myself.....I've just been taking this one day at a time. O-M-FREAKING-G!!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me that they started making peanut butter Twix?!!? Those things are the business!! I had one this morning, and it's the little things like those that make me appreciate getting healthy again. Look at me, getting all sentimental over a Twix! No but seriously, those things are some serious chocolaty-peanut-buttery-slap-ya-mama-and-ya-grandma-GOODNESS!! That's the best thing I've eaten in a long-ass time!

Now, on to more pressing issues.....

My former BFF (from now on we will call her Panda because she loves panda bears) called me up this morning and asked me if I wanted to spend my off day with her. Keep in mind that I haven't seen or spoken to her in months. I tell her yes. My off day is Wednesday so we will see how this goes. I think I should give you guys the vixen and Panda back story:

**we met freshman year of high school
**we were like peas and carrots- you never ever saw one without the other, no ma'am. Like seriously, I never thought that our friendship would end up like it is now.
**we kinda had a falling out like a year and a half ago- it wasn't really an argument, we were just busy with our own lives- i.e., she got pregnant but she had a miscarriage, I was working all the time and fighting my eating disorders, she got a boyfriend (the guy she was pregnant by was not the child's father). Our friendship has been shaky ever since.

All in all we just stopped talking. I'm a little apprehensive about hanging out with her because I'm afraid it will be awkward because we haven't talked in so long. I hope all goes well.

Anywhos, I've been working with the ex, and for the first time, it's been hard as hell. I was so emotionally numb when we first broke up that I didn't really feel anything, but now that I know there's a possibility that he will be with someone else, it just KILLS me. I need to get over this because while we were together I had a really strong feeling that he was cheating on me. I can't be with someone like that. I don't know how to get over this....I'm new at this whole dating and relationships thing.

Any advice? Hit me up in the comment section. I love hearing from you!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

Guilty Pleasures, Barack Obama, And A Meltdown Of Epic Proportions

2008-10-07T15:33:00.005-05:00

Hey hey hey everybody! Did you miss me? Of course you did! LOL. I missed you guys too! Babies, vixen's exhausted.

I just want to stop and take a moment to tell you guys how happy your comments make me! You have no idea how much I look forward to reading them. I appreciate you guys for coming by my blog, and here's a big ol' HI! to all my new readers...adding you to the blogroll soon. : )

So I know you guys are wondering if I'm eating, and yes, I am. I had to. I was so weak it was to the point where I felt nauseous everytime I bent down to tie my shoes. I'm taking it slow because I know that I can't be cured overnight....this is really hard for me. I've had the urge to throw up everytime I eat but I'm fighting it. I can't let this eating disorder kill me. I went to my eating disorder support group meeting on Thursday night, and Victoria was there. She is the coolest white girl ever! I can tell we're going to be really good friends.

Um...what else? There's not too much going on in the life of vixen. Things with my twin sister are getting a little better. She's trying to do better with the kids, but I'm still doing a majority of the brunt work. Why, you ask? Because I love my neices and my nephew and I want them to have the best. The other night my 5 year old nephew said to me, 'auntie why do you work so much?' and it was then that I realized that I'm doing this for them. I love those kids more than the air I breathe.

Now, on to Mr. Barack Obama!!! I live in Nashville, and he's in town today! They blocked the street where my job is so that he can get to the debate tonight, and I saw him! Yep, you read right! I saw BARACK O-FREAKIN-BAMA!!! He waved at me from his car!!! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! I almost had a freakin heart attack I was so excited that he waved that me! That man is just brilliant, amazing, talented, and beautiful! He's the father I've always wanted. Seeing him made my whole day and it really gave me hope that things are going to change in our country. He's going to be a great president. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I can't believe that brilliant man waved at me!

Anywhos..... I had a meltdown of epic proportions after I left work last night. I was thinking about how much my life has changed since I'm not with him anymore. He was my first boyfriend. Breaking up is so hard to do. It just hit me like a ton of bricks....wow, it's really over. I cried so much last night. I get a pain in my chest everytime I think about him. I miss being his girlfriend so much. *plays 'Can't Let Go' by Mariah Carey*

On to more fun things......
This is a list of songs that I consider to be my gulity pleasure songs. (This is a music blog, after all!)

What are your guilty pleasures? Musically and otherwise? Let me know in the comments!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

These Are My Confessions.....

2008-09-28T16:41:00.006-05:00

***DISCLAIMER: THIS POST HAS A LOT OF CURSE WORDS IN IT. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE PROFANITY, STOP READING NOW.***

Hi everybody! First off, let me say that I am truly sorry for taking so long to do a post. My job has been so crazy- instead of working 40 hours a week I've been working 60. Needless to say, I've been WAY tired. Like falling-asleep-as-soon-as-my-head-hits-the-pillow-tired.

My twin sister moved in with my mom and I like 4 days ago, and I'm already feeling the strain of it. She got put out of her apartment because her bitch ass baby daddy (yes my sister is one of those ghetto as hell girls whose 3 kids have 3 different dads...but I digress) robbed some guy that lives in the same apartments so the guy went and shot inside my sisters house while my nieces and nephew where in there. Clearly I'm pissed off about this situation because 1) my sister and her kids are practically homeless because of this loser, 2) she still talks to him but she lied to my mom and told her that she doesn't talk to him anymore, and 3) that asshole put my neices and nephew in danger and I don't appreciate that shit. My sister is so trifling all she does is sit around and smoke weed all day. She's pissing me off so bad I love my sister to death but she's 22 years old with 3 kids, she needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility for her actions. Our living situation kind of sucks now it's my mom, my sister, my 2 neices and my nephew in a two bedroom house. Can you say cramped? The kids sleep in my bed with me, and my sister sleeps on our sofa. I'm happy that the kids are here, because I get to see them more, but my sister is starting to irk me something fierce. Like she doesn't give the kids baths she sleeps all day, and she's basically just lazy as hell. I wake up eary in the morning, get the kids ready for school, drop them off, work 10 hours a day, come home, help the kids with their homework, give them baths, and put them to bed. Do you think my ungrateful ass sister has thanked me for any of this? NO. I'm about ready to give up on her. I'm tired. Sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and slap some since into her. She needs to get her ass beat.

So like the title indicated, I have some confessions to make.....

I havent eaten anything since Friday. Getting better is harder than I thought it would be. I'm so afraid of gaining weight. The last time I ate I just threw it all up after I was done.

The ex and I ended up having sex the other night. I could give you a bunch of excuses, but I'm not going to. Hell, I was horny. He told me he loved me after we were done. I'm not going to get my hopes up because I doubt that he wants me back.

These are my confessions...what are yours?

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

A Letter To My Father

2008-09-14T21:07:00.004-05:00

Dear Father:

Thank you for walking out on me when I was 4 years old.
Thank you for not loving me.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be completely loved or accepted for who I am.
Thank you for popping in and out of my life, promising me the world, and then leaving again.
Thank you getting my hopes up by telling me that you are going to pick me up on the weekends and then never showing up.That was really the biggest highlight of my third grade year.
Thank you for not attending my high school graduation.
Thank you for making me feel weird when people ask me where you are.
Thank you for not being there when my stepfather started molesting me when I was 9 years old.
Thank you for not being there when another man raped me when I was 13.
Thank you for all the times I've cried myself to sleep every night on Father's Day. Thank you for never showing up for father/daughter functions at school.
Thank you for breaking my mom's heart.
Thank you for leaving my mom to raise 3 kids by herself.
Thank you for promising to buy me a car that I never got.
Thank you for making me feel like I'm incompetent.
Thank you for all the time I waste thinking about you.
Thank you. You are the reason why I avoid getting close to people because I'm afraid they will abandon me.
Thank you for the time you ignored me when you saw me at Target.
Thank you for putting me on a diet when I was 10 years old. Drinking the Slim-Fast you gave me and running around our neighborhood really made me feel confidant about my body.
Thank you for telling me that black girls can't have eating disorders.
Thank you for calling me stupid.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be good enough.

My Girl Crush And The VMA's

2008-09-10T11:44:00.016-05:00

Guess who's back...back again...vixens back...lol!

Did anybody watch the VMA's? I will be the first to admit that I didn't. I missed it which I guess is a good thing because everybody in the blogsphere is saying that it sucked! But I was so happy to hear that my NUMBER ONE GIRL CRUSH, Leona Lewis was on with Lil Wayne. Now, I'm not a big Lil Wayne fan (Lollipop is the most overrated, overplayed song EVER. Now that I think about it, his new album is overrated too.) But anyways, here is Leona, Lil Wayne, and T-Pain's peformance. (Sidenote: I am not posting this because I like the whole performance, I'm posting this because I love Leona's part. Lil Wayne and T-Pain are not real musicians in my opinion.)

Now, more about my girl crush....

I know you guys are tired of hearing me talk about her, but I seriously love Leona Lewis! She can sing her ass off, and her album is so amazing! Not to mention that she's freaking BEAUTIFUL! I would've posted some pics of her but blogger is acting a damn fool and won't let me put up any pics. So these are my fave songs off her album:

What do you guys think after taking a listen? Don't you think her voice is insane? Well, I do, and if you don't then frankly you suck, lol. Nah I'm kidding but if you don't like her voice then something must be wrong with your ears, ya dig? :)

I got to see the ex's 9 month old daughter Monday while I was at work. That made me so happy because I hadn't seen her since the day we broke up. I love that little girl...the hardest thing about this breakup is not seeing his kids (he has a 10 year old son also) because I got attached to them too. Breaking up is hard to do...

So Monday while I was at work, I found some British guys wallet, and it was FULL of 100, 50, and 20 dollar bills. Me being the good samaritan that I am, I turn the wallet in to my boss. Well the guy comes back for his wallet, and my boss tells him that I found it but the rude bastard doesn't tell me thank you, kiss my ass or anything! How screwed up is that?!? I told my mom and she was like 'you dumb as hell, I would have took all the cash out of the dudes wallet' , lol. That's my mom for ya.

I will be back later on this week. Try not to miss me!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

The Happenings...

2008-09-07T15:01:00.004-05:00

Hello world! How you been blog fam? I've been well, and I'm doing a lot better. : )

Working with the ex is a lot easier than I anticipated it would be. He's actually being a little too nice to me. Examples: he's been doing a huge majoritiy of my work for me, he let me listen to my ipod while I was working (which is a major no-no at my place of employment), and basically he's just been kissing my ass. I'm not gonna stop him...I'ma ride that shit the wheels fall off, ya dig?!? LOL!

I went to my first meeting Tuesday night. (Sidenote:Why was I the only black girl at that meeting?) While I was there, I met a 19 yr old named Victoria and we became fast friends. She's 5 ft 4 and she weighs 90 pounds. Oh my gosh, she is so tiny and frail. We talked and she was telling me that she wants to lose 15 more pounds. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything's gonna be ok. We hit it off like crazy though. I hope the both of us get better. There were so many girls at the meeting that were so skinny! Like there was this tall white girl, and she literally looked like a skeleton, she was so small. Being there made me realize how truly blessed I am and it's really motivating me to get better.

So this is my meal plan for today:

Breakfast: Special K with lowfat skim milk, an apple
Lunch: A bomb-ass salad, lol
Dinner: Steamed broccoli and a turkey sandwich

So far I've made it through breakfast and lunch without throwing up. I did feel a little guilty because I put a teaspoon of sugar in my ceral. Eating is really hard for me and the eating disorders that I have cannot be cured overnite. The thought of gaining too much weight terrifies me. Hopefully dinner will go well and I won't have the urge to puke it all up.

I'm so excited my best friend found the bridesmaids dresses! High-five for bargin shopping! Whatchu know 'bout getting 5 bridesmaids dresses from American Apperal? We found the flowers for the bouquet. My best friend jokes that she should marry me because I'm doing more planning than her future husband is, lol.

Work has been absolutely insane. We just fired a cashier that we just hired like a week ago. OMG homegurl was the biggest Debbie Downer/Negative Nelly EVER. She smells like beer and cat food. I'm so glad she's gone, y'all have no idea. (I'm going to hell for that...)

I will be back sooner than later, I promise.

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

P.S. Please show some love for my homegurl, http://thegirlintheglasses.blogspot.com/ she's having kind of a hard time right now. I love you Lucky! Things will get better, and we will find the loser who got your Blackberry!

Breakups And Such

2008-08-31T17:02:00.005-05:00

I broke things off with the boyfriend this morning. I think from now on we'll call him 'C' . Anyways, I ended our relationship of a year and a half today. I haven't cried yet. I'm not even upset. I actually kind of feel like I'm on autopilot now...I just feel numb. I don't think it has hit me yet. It's funny, when we were together I would get upset whenever I thought about us not being together. I asked him if he cheated and of course he denied it. I still have a feeling that he did but whatever, I'm not going to stress over it. What is meant to be will be. He is my heart, and I still love him, but I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. We had a good day at work (sidenote:did I mention that we work together? He's my boss. I met him there. But that's a whole other post.) even after I told him I didn't want to be together anymore. I know I sound optimistic right now, but I think I would flip the fuck out if I saw him with another chick. But I will cross that bridge when it gets here....

I want to tell you guys about the whole weird situation that is my father, but that will set off a crying jag, and I don't think I'm prepared for that today. Another post, someday soon, I promise.

So on with some (hopefully) good news: I will be starting treatment for my eating disorder this week. I will be attending meetings on Tuesday and Thursday nights until I conquer this demon they call anorexia and bulemia. These are the same meetings I attended two years ago when I first got sick. I think I will do well, but I'm not sure about the whole eating thing (insert irony here). All I ate today was three apples and a bottle of water. I can't remember the last time I had a real meal. But that's neither here or there. But I will say this: I really want to get better.

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

I'm Back! Well, Kinda...

2008-08-27T08:12:00.000-05:00

Lots of things happening in the dramatic saga called my life:

THE GOOD...
My best friend is getting married next October. I'm her maid of honor/hair stylist/makeup artist/assistant wedding planner. We picked out her dress yesterday so now we have the hard task of finding the perfect bridesmaids dresses. Wish us luck!

I recently got a promotion at my job and I have been working over 40 hours a week. This is explains why I haven't been blogging as much as I should. Sorry guys! But I'm trying. : )

THE BAD...
I've lost 35 pounds over the last 2 months. I was anorexic a couple of years ago. Cue relapse now. I'm trying to hide it from my family and it's really hard. They see right through me.

I still miss my father.

I have a sinking feeling that my boyfriend is cheating on me.

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

I'm Not Dead

2008-08-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody! Sorry for the lack of posts! Work has been really crazy right now and I haven't been able to get away.As a matter of fact, I'm at work right now, hiding in the restroom sending this from my Blackberry. I will back to blogging as soon as I can. I love you guys!

Peace and Blessings,
Vixen

Untitled

2008-08-14T19:51:00.000-05:00

I miss my father.

*Wonderland*

hiiii

do you hate me?

cat's out of the bag.

scream!!

today is....

questions

thinspo

this morning's weigh-in

is it a crime?

give it to me right

h.a.t.e. u

binge, purge, cry, cut

why r u?

thoughts

try sleeping with a broken heart

it kills me

high-five

sabotage

thoughts floating around in my head

he lives in my panties.

yuck.

back on track

fuck.

get your armor

a little bit of an update

just checking in

Relapse

Drama, Drama

hey!

R.I.P. Michael

Somebody's Gotta Be On Top

Broken-Hearted Girl

River Deep, Mountain High

Artist Spotlight: Tamia

Dear Slash...

There's Nobody Like Her

Artist Spotlight: Prince

Tired.

Tagged!!

I Met Sheila E!!!

Birthday Recap

A Very Special Day

It's A Matter Of A Extreme Importance....

Artist Spotlight: Corinne Bailey Rae

It's Friday Night....

I Can't Think Of A Title For This

It's Been A While.....

Artist Spotlight: Sade

What The Fuck Does Acting White Mean Anyway?

Bliss......

Revolution Is Now

Rehab

Random

Let's Give 'Em Something To Talk About

I'm Going Through Changes....

It's Obama Time!

Tags And Things

Naughty Girl And A Best Friend Breakup

Guilty Pleasures, Barack Obama, And A Meltdown Of Epic Proportions

These Are My Confessions.....

A Letter To My Father

My Girl Crush And The VMA's

The Happenings...

Breakups And Such

I'm Back! Well, Kinda...

I'm Not Dead

Untitled

Wonderland