thanks to melanie denise, i just realized that i havent blogged in a year!!!! long story short, i'm RECOVERED, and i've never been so happy in my life!!! i moved out of my mom's and i have my own apartment. i'm about to start my third semester of nursing school, and i have a 3.5 gpa. (yay!!) i'm doing school 12 hrs a week, and i work 40 hrs a week. my schedule is very busy, but i always think about you guys!!!! <3
i'm so excited about my recovery! no more complaining, just all great things! i realized that if i wanted to help other people by becoming a nurse, i would have to help myself by recovering from my eating disorder to do so. so there ya go!!! powwwww
guys, i'm super sorry! i havent gotten to post because my mom is like a detective. i will try to post soon. i feel like such a bad blogger. much love to you all. : )
This may come, This may come as some surprise but I miss you I could see through, all of your lies But I stll miss you He takes her love, but it doesn't feel like mine He tastes her kiss, her kisses are not wine, they're not mine He takes, but surely she can't give what I'm feeling now She takes, but surely she doesn't know how
Is it a crime Is it a crime That I still want you And I want you to want me too
My love is wider, wider than vitoria lake My love is taller, taller than the empire state
It dives and it jumps and it ripples like the deepest ocean I can't give you more than that, surely you want me back
Is it a crime Is it a crime That I still want you And I want you to want me too
My love is wider than vitoria lake Taller than the empire state It dives and it jumps I can't give you more than that, surely you want me back
Is it a crime Is it a crime That I still want you And I want you to want me too
It dives and it jumps And it ripples like the deepest Ocean I can't give you more than that Surely you want me back
Ok, ok, Hes got my number and.. You cant, you cant want me Baby here i am, Either you make the time, Or just forget me. Im not, im not, trying to run your life Thats why thats why im nobodys wife. But when i want,when i want it, you gotta be ready.
I dont want it all the time, but when i get it i, better be satisfied so give it to me right, or dont give it to me at all I dont think you understand, how real it is for me to find a man who thinks he can, so give it to me right, or dont give it to me at all (yeah, yeah,yeah)
On time, on time, i expect you to be, all mine, all mine Baby in my fantasy, you cant get it right Then just forget me. No ways ok, for you to go around, Uh Uh today you better make a touch down, you know what i like, wont you except it. (ooooh)
I dont want it all the time but when i want it, you better make me smile So give it to me right, or dont give it to me at all. I dont think you understand, If you cant please me, i know some one who can so give it to me right, or dont give it to me at all.
This is the real life baby, This is the life that makes me say, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes This is the real thing baby, When im alone, i can make me say Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
I dont want it all the time But when i want it, you better make me smile So give it to me right, or dont give it to me at all. I dont think you understand, If you cant please me, i know someone who can So give it to me right Or dont give it to me at all
christmas morning: i was with my nephew, mom, sister, and nieces. i watched them open all their presents. it was so rad! i spent like $1500 on them so seeing the smiles on their faces was worth EVERY penny. : ) my mom got me a digital camera, and some perfume from gwen stefani's harajuku lovers line. i love gwen stefani! i've been wearing clothes from her harajuku lovers line and her lamb line since it first came out, so i was super stoked about that.
christmas evening: had dinner with my boyfriend, his mom, and his kids. binged like a freaking monster, felt so full and fat that of course i had to go purge. got caught. i was trying to be a silent and possible while doing it, but my boyfriend walked in on me. (in retrospect, how could i have possibly thought i could barf in silence? what was i thinking?) i was so embarrassed and ashamed because i promised him that i wasn't going to throw up anymore, and i got stone cold busted. i couldn't look him in his eyes because i could just feel how disappointed he was. i felt really guilty. i cut myself on the inside of my left wrist with a razor blade. i sat in his mom's bathroom for about five minutes and cried my eyes out. i hate that i disappointed him, and i hate that i lied to him. luckily for me, his mom didn't notice how red my eyes were after i reappeared.
so that was my christmas day in a nutshell. the good outweighed the bad.
because i can't stop eating, i've gained weight. back up to 116. gross! i keep trying to make myself feel better by saying that everyone gains weight around the holidays, but this sucks, damn it! starting tomorrow, i'm going on a fast. i'm not sure how many days it's going to last, but i hope it goes well. i'm going to try not to purge anymore because of the promise i made to my boyfriend. i don't want to disappoint him.
Why are you the one? I can’t lose What’s the reason that I’m here again it’s crazy? I keep waiting, but I’m foolish cause you’ll never change. Wasted all my time and here I am still crying over you, over you
Hey, loving you is so hard, I keep trying baby, I just end up with scars And I keep fighting baby
Loving you is like a battle that I can’t afford to lose, I can’t lose, So I’m asking you Why are you the only thing that I care about? Why are you the only thing that I care about? Why are you the only thing I think about? Why are you the only one?
But baby you’re no good for me, No, you can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one No, you can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one
I know I hate it, hate it that I can’t forget you I try my best but, I’m a mess cause I can’t shake you. Wanna call you but my pride won’t let it get the best of me, the best of me
Loving you is so hard, But I keep trying baby, I just end up with scars Cause I keep fighting baby
Loving you is like a battle that I can’t afford to lose, I can’t lose, So I’m asking you Why are you the only thing that I care about? Why are you the only thing that I care about? Why are you the only thing I think about? Why are you the only one?
But baby you’re no good for me, No, you can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one You can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one Ohh I can’t believe I’m still crying And ohh it ain’t because I ain’t been trying I’m losing sleep cause I can’t help but think about the past And how we didn’t last, how we didn’t last
(repeat x 2) Why are you the only thing that I care about? Why are you the only thing that I care about? Why are you the only thing I think about? Why are you the only one?
But baby you’re no good for me, No, you can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one You can’t be, you can’t be, you can’t be the only one
Goofy. Dorky. Sweet. Silly. Dancer. Singer. Writer. I'm a daughter, a sister, and the best aunt in the world. I have a twin sister. I'm fabulous and I'm fucking FIERCE. I would love to be in a girl group.I love having natural hair....Going natural is easily the best thing I've ever done. Some would say I am a ball of confusion and wonder. I love gay people, especially the queens, lol! Lots of people say I'm conceited, but I'm really not- I put myself on a pedistal because I feel I deserve the best. People say I'm naturally sexy. I became anorexic when I was 16 years old. I had a relapse in August of 2008. I am in therapy now so I can conquer my eating disorders. I want to reach out to other black girls with eating disorders. I'm a people person, but at the same time I'm really shy. I love to read and music is a HUGE part of my life. I write poetry, short stories, and I have completed 3 novels. I love my family very much.
**UPDATE**: I relapsed. Anorexia is pretty much my life now.
