thoughts floating around in my head

i was in third grade when my stepfather started molesting me.

he came into my room one night after everyone else had fell asleep.

i felt a hand going under my nightgown and then into my panties.

i awoke to him masturbating with one hand, and rubbing my privates with the other.

groping.

touching.

probing.

molesting.

hurting.

this went on for at least six years.

over two-hundred times.

i remember when it would happen.... i would squeeze my eyes shut, and try to separate myself from it.

it felt like i was on the outside looking in. watching him hurt me over and over and over and over and over again.

i've been emotionally shut down for so long.

i still remember what his penis looks like, smells like, and tastes like.

felt so dirty.

i still feel dirty.

so dirty that i shower at least three times a day.

i scrub my skin until its raw and bleeding.

so dirty that sometimes i don't want my boyfriend to touch me.

so dirty that i'm afraid of most men.

so dirty that i don't trust most men.

so dirty that i pray like hell that my nieces and nephew will never have to go through something like that.

i feel so dirty....i just want to wash this away.

i want these thoughts out of my head.