it kills me

Oh yaahh ive got trouble with my friends
Trouble in my life
Problems when you don’t come home at night
But when you do you always start a fight
But I cant be alone , I need you to come on home
I know you messin around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down
Ooooh I gotta be out my mind to think it’s gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave, but the other side still believes
And it kills me to know how much I really love you
So much I wanna ooh hoo ohh to you hoo hoo
Should I grab his cell, call this chick up
Start some shhhh then hang up
Or I should I be a lady
Oohh maybe cuz I wanna have his babies
Ohh yah yahh cuz I don’t wanna be alone
I dont need to be on my own
But I love this man
But some things I cant stand ohhhh
Ive gotta be out my mind
To think its gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave but the other half still believes
and it kills mee to know how much I really love you
So much I wanna oohh hoo ohhh, to you hoo hooo

high-five

i stayed under 500 calories.
i can't feel hunger anymore.
i hope this feeling never goes away.

sabotage

i'm loving this song so much....this girl has got a voice on her!



It's sabotage now
I keep praying she'll leave me alone
But she keeps waiting outside of my home
I've got an angel on the left saying "Don't give in"
But the evil on the right is saying "Let her in"
She won't stop kicking down my door, oh
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now
I can't hold on to guys I like
'Cause she keeps looking with wondering eyes
I've got an angel on the left screaming "Get away"
But the devil on the right is saying "Time to play"
And I can't take it anymore
It's sabotage now
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now
When I fall in love
I cause myself so much pain
I sabotage my heart
And I don't know how to change
It doesn't matter what I say, what I do
'Cause in the end she always wins, I always lose
I need to get her out of my life
Oh
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now

thoughts floating around in my head

i was in third grade when my stepfather started molesting me.

he came into my room one night after everyone else had fell asleep.

i felt a hand going under my nightgown and then into my panties.

i awoke to him masturbating with one hand, and rubbing my privates with the other.

groping.

touching.

probing.

molesting.

hurting.

this went on for at least six years.

over two-hundred times.

i remember when it would happen.... i would squeeze my eyes shut, and try to separate myself from it.

it felt like i was on the outside looking in. watching him hurt me over and over and over and over and over again.

i've been emotionally shut down for so long.

i still remember what his penis looks like, smells like, and tastes like.

felt so dirty.

i still feel dirty.

so dirty that i shower at least three times a day.

i scrub my skin until its raw and bleeding.

so dirty that sometimes i don't want my boyfriend to touch me.

so dirty that i'm afraid of most men.

so dirty that i don't trust most men.

so dirty that i pray like hell that my nieces and nephew will never have to go through something like that.

i feel so dirty....i just want to wash this away.

i want these thoughts out of my head.

he lives in my panties.

blair underwood.

he is so fucking fine.

i want to lick the sweat off his body.

that is all.

yuck.

i started my period this morning , and it's turned me into a binge monster.

grilled cheese sandwich.

vegatable soup.

granola bars.

cranberry juice.

chocolate ice cream.

yuck.

fatty's going to the gym now.

peace and blessings,

vixen

back on track

hey blog fam! ugh... i've so m.i.a.! no excuse. absolutely no excuse.

i had the flu for a week and a half, which sucked, but the best part about it is i lost not 1

not 2

not 3

not 4

not 5

not 6

not 7

not 8

not 9

not 10

not 11

not 12

but 13 pounds!! i can't believe i lost that much weight in a week in a half! i've actually kept it off, which is dope. i'm not on the abc diet anymore, i'm just going to do a water fast for the next three days, and then after that, i'll have 500 calorie days. i'm going to do this for two weeks every month. it's not really that hard to do....i just pick a 100 calorie soup (which is very filling) and then i have water, take my vitamins and eat my fruit. ahh...control...i love it.

my best friends wedding was saturday! she looked so beautiful, and i was so honored that she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. we were running around all crazy for the past three weeks trying to get everything done. it was so worth it. the wedding was a hit!

my mom's birthday is thursday! she's turning 49. i'm going to break her off some cash and a couple cards.

i've started my christmas shopping, and i've already gotten my mom's presents and my sisters. all i have to get is my neices and nephews presents. and a present for my boyfriend, of course.

what's on everyone else's christmas list? let me know in the comments!

to all my pro-ana girls: stay strong! i love you!

xoxo

vixen

fuck.

major fuck up.

family get together at my boyfriend's mom's house on labor day. they both know about my eating disorders, but they don't know that i've relapsed. i'm sure my boyfriend has told her about my new eating habits, which are non-existant. his mom made me this huge plate of mac n cheese, green beans, baked beans (no meat cuz i'm kind of a vegan). i ate while they watched me with worried eyes. i didn't want to disappoint them, so i ate almost everything on my plate.

i didn't purge. i couldn't we didn't leave her house until 3 hours after i ate, so there was no way it was coming back up. i worked out for 2 hours when i finally made it home.

i restarted the abc diet on tuesday and it's going well.

thank you to everyone who comment and following my blog! i appreciate it so much.

xoxo

vixen

get your armor

a little bit of an update

hi. i'm still alive.

i haven't really had time to post, and honestly, i'm a little burnt out.

my life has taken on somewhat of a routine:

work.

dance classes.

meetings with a tutor (i'm trying to prepare myself to get back in school).

spending time with the family and the boyfriend.

more work.

gym.

good news: i've lost 7 pounds on the abc diet. my legs are getting muscular from the daily workouts and from taking all the dance classes.

bad news: my boyfriend is on to me. i kind of fainted in the shower at his house the other day. i felt so woozy, and everything turned to black. luckily, i came out unscathed. he's noticed my eating habits (or lack thereof) and he's stressing over me. the hardest part is that i'm hiding this from him. i don't want to disappoint him because he was so proud of me when i started therapy.

it's actually easier to hide it from my mom this time around because i'm never at home, and when i am at home she's either sleeping or at work.

once again, i'm really sorry if i've disappointed anyone by relapsing, but i feel this is what's best for me right now. thanks to everyone for your wonderful comments, and i do read ALL the blogs that are on my blogroll, even though i don't always comment on them.

that's all, folks!

peace and blessings,

vixen

just checking in

this is my meal plan for today:

breakfast: water

lunch: tomato soup (30 cals a cup)

dinner: water

i'm also going to the gym after i do my morning run.

(thinforever, this is for you! you know i'm your biggest fan! lol.)

this isn't going to be a super long post....i just wanted to let everybody know that i'm alive. i will be back to posting regularly soon.

i'm sorry if i've let anyone down by relapsing, but i need to do what's best for me.

peace and blessings,

vixen

Relapse

hi. as you can see from the title, i've had a relapse.  i stepped on the scale on monday morning, and i saw that i've gained of total of ten pounds since i've started treatment, and i flipped out. felt like a cow. felt like a fat failure. 

binged. 

purged. 

and for the time being, starvation. 

i'm going to take a little break from blogging. i'm not sure when i'll be back. i've got to get this weight off.

peace and blessings,

vixen

Drama, Drama

Hey everybody! I want to apologize for my random posting. I've just been so busy working almost 60 hours a week, going to my dance classes, and spending quality time with my family. When I get home at the end of the day, I just poop out! I just want everybody to know that I do read all the blogs on my blogroll, even though I don't comment on them.

Now on to more interesting things....



I want Maxwell to make love to me. He is so sexy!

There has been so much drama going on with Panda and her boyfriend. Her bf is basically a drunk loser. He's 24, he lives with his grandfather, he doesn't work, he's not in school. All he does is sit around and drink beer and smoke pot all day. He totaled her car (he claimed someone tried to steal it) he's always in and out of jail. Here's the kicker: he HIT her.  She's still with him. She lied to us (us being my friends... I feel the need to give them nicknames: Pleasure D, Brickhouse and KK) and told us that she wasn't going back to him but that same night she went RIGHT BACK to his house. All of us girls almost got into a fight with him, and she just sat in her fucking car and watched. Didn't do a damn thing. He broke my sunglasses and he punched me in my arm. You better believe that I got his ass back right in the eye before the girls dragged me to the car. They just wanted to haul ass before the cops came. I already told her I'm done with her. I refuse to help someone who doesn't want my help. I haven't talked to her in three days. I'm really scared for her.... he's gonna end up killing her. I don't know what else to do.
 
I've been tagged by some LOVELY people: the-beautifully-flawed-one.blogspot.com gave me the Honest Scrap award in which I'm supposed to reveal 10 truths about myself. Here goes: 

1.) I LOVE shopping. Whenever I hit the mall, I get this euphoric feeling. It's like the best orgasm you've ever had in your whole life multiplied by 100. I have a serious problem. Whenever I'm not shopping, I'm browsing clothes online. It's like Carrie Bradshaw said: "I like my money right where I can see it- hanging in my closet". Me too. Carrie Bradshaw ain't never lied. I do feel a little guilty when I shop though. Even though I have a nice little chunk of change in my savings account, I feel like I could contribute to it more if I didn't shop so much. 

2.) I LOVE my mommy. So much. More than words can say. 

3.) I cried like a baby when I heard about Michael Jackson's passing. I'm such a big fan of all his talents.

4.) I love this video: 

5.) I don't understand Twitter.

6.) I still have nightmares about being raped at 13. Sucks.

7.) I love cowboy boots. I have a bright red pair, and they're my favorite.

8.) I cried at my nephews kindergarten graduation. He's growing up so fast!

9.) I burst into song at random moments.

10.) I'm scared to get pregnant because I don't want to get those gross stretchmarks on my stomach.

Here's my second tag from thesweetheartchronicles.blogspot.com and poeticsatindoll.blogspot.com

1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I'm tagging all my new followers!

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

hey!

As you can see, I'm switching up the template of my blog. I haven't forgotten about being tagged (thanks, guys!) and I will back later on today with a new post and tags.

Peace and Blessings,
vixen