Relapse

hi. as you can see from the title, i've had a relapse.  i stepped on the scale on monday morning, and i saw that i've gained of total of ten pounds since i've started treatment, and i flipped out. felt like a cow. felt like a fat failure. 

binged. 

purged. 

and for the time being, starvation. 

i'm going to take a little break from blogging. i'm not sure when i'll be back. i've got to get this weight off.

peace and blessings,

vixen

Drama, Drama

Hey everybody! I want to apologize for my random posting. I've just been so busy working almost 60 hours a week, going to my dance classes, and spending quality time with my family. When I get home at the end of the day, I just poop out! I just want everybody to know that I do read all the blogs on my blogroll, even though I don't comment on them.

Now on to more interesting things....



I want Maxwell to make love to me. He is so sexy!

There has been so much drama going on with Panda and her boyfriend. Her bf is basically a drunk loser. He's 24, he lives with his grandfather, he doesn't work, he's not in school. All he does is sit around and drink beer and smoke pot all day. He totaled her car (he claimed someone tried to steal it) he's always in and out of jail. Here's the kicker: he HIT her.  She's still with him. She lied to us (us being my friends... I feel the need to give them nicknames: Pleasure D, Brickhouse and KK) and told us that she wasn't going back to him but that same night she went RIGHT BACK to his house. All of us girls almost got into a fight with him, and she just sat in her fucking car and watched. Didn't do a damn thing. He broke my sunglasses and he punched me in my arm. You better believe that I got his ass back right in the eye before the girls dragged me to the car. They just wanted to haul ass before the cops came. I already told her I'm done with her. I refuse to help someone who doesn't want my help. I haven't talked to her in three days. I'm really scared for her.... he's gonna end up killing her. I don't know what else to do.
 
I've been tagged by some LOVELY people: the-beautifully-flawed-one.blogspot.com gave me the Honest Scrap award in which I'm supposed to reveal 10 truths about myself. Here goes: 

1.) I LOVE shopping. Whenever I hit the mall, I get this euphoric feeling. It's like the best orgasm you've ever had in your whole life multiplied by 100. I have a serious problem. Whenever I'm not shopping, I'm browsing clothes online. It's like Carrie Bradshaw said: "I like my money right where I can see it- hanging in my closet". Me too. Carrie Bradshaw ain't never lied. I do feel a little guilty when I shop though. Even though I have a nice little chunk of change in my savings account, I feel like I could contribute to it more if I didn't shop so much. 

2.) I LOVE my mommy. So much. More than words can say. 

3.) I cried like a baby when I heard about Michael Jackson's passing. I'm such a big fan of all his talents.

4.) I love this video: 

5.) I don't understand Twitter.

6.) I still have nightmares about being raped at 13. Sucks.

7.) I love cowboy boots. I have a bright red pair, and they're my favorite.

8.) I cried at my nephews kindergarten graduation. He's growing up so fast!

9.) I burst into song at random moments.

10.) I'm scared to get pregnant because I don't want to get those gross stretchmarks on my stomach.

Here's my second tag from thesweetheartchronicles.blogspot.com and poeticsatindoll.blogspot.com

1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I'm tagging all my new followers!

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Somebody's Gotta Be On Top

Ladies, help me please! I still haven't mastered the art of being on top during sex. Any tips? Hit me up in the comments. All advice is much appreciated! 

Peace and Blessings,

vixen 

There's Nobody Like Her

This is why I LOVE my mom: She just bought me a pair of bright red toe shoes. Later for the old pink ones! I can't wait to wear these babies to my dance class tomorrow! All the girls are going to be hatin' so hard!

Thanks, mom. YOU DA BEST!!!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

Tired.

Hey! I wanted to do a post today, but I'm tired from a four-hour long love making session with my boyfriend. I'll get back to you guys as soon as my man and I get some rest.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

"Everybody needs somebody/You're not the only one"- 'November Rain' by Guns N Roses

Tagged!!

I was tagged by my blog sister Lucky () Hey Lucky!

Here goes!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1) Getting married
2) Having kids
3) My ballet recital next month
4) Seeing my 4 year old niece in her school uniform (She's starting kindergarten soon!)
5) Getting a pedicure. My toe shoes have totally ruined my sexy polish!
6) Getting the new Blackberry because my Blackberry Pearl sucks major monkey balls
7) Buying myself a digital camera because I didn't get one for Christmas
8) Corinne Bailey Rae's new album, whenever it comes out. She's one of my favorites.


8 Things I Did Yesterday
1) Showered
2) kissed my boyfriend, stepdaughter, and stepson
3) worked
4) called my grandma and sister
5) read natural hair blogs. I'm natural as well!
6) went to my ballet and jazz dance classes
7) wrote a poem
8) slept


8 Things I Wish I Could Do
1) Slash from Guns N Roses. I WANT HIM!!!
2) swim. I'm always talking about bathing suits, but I can't even swim
3) learn more about football. I just don't get it!
4) be invisible.
5) travel the world with my family
6) have a successful publishing company
7) record an album
8) meet Prince. But then I'd die from excitement.


8 Shows That I Watch
1) America's Next Top Model
2) For The Love Of Ray J
3) I Love Money
4) Taking The Stage
5) The Hills
6) 90210
7) College Hill
8) Harlem Heights

I'm tagging A.M., Tima and Nasha, iCandy.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Birthday Recap

Hey! I know I said that I would be giving you the details of my birthday to you on Sunday morning, but my grandma ended up having to have an emergency open heart surgery that day. Needless to say, I was scared shitless and blogging about my birthday wasn't something I was up for doing. She's fine now and the doctors expect her to make a full recovery. So thank the Lord for that. I love my Granny so much and I would be devastated if something happened to her.

My birthday bash was a huge success! It was the best time ever. My girls and I got all cute and dressed up (have you ever shared a bathroom mirror with five other girls? Craziness.) and we went to dinner first. Then went to sex shop where I got some things for my boyfriend and myself (one of those things includes a school girls uniform! Hottness! I can't wait for him to see it!) and my friends and I were just generally acting silly. After we left the sex shop, we went to see male strippers! OMG! Those dudes were so fine! My bestie Panda got a face full of peen from this stripper named Chocolate God. He was soooo fine. I'm glad my boyfriend wasn't there cuz he probably would have kicked my ass if he saw me drooling all over those strippers!! Thank God Panda was our designated driver, because by the time we left the strip club, we were tipsy as hell! It was Panda's bright idea for us to get someone liquor and take it back to her place. It was five in the morning, and all of us were FUCKED UP!!!! That was the best birthday I've ever had!!

Peace and Blessing,

vixen

A Very Special Day

My 23rd birthday!




And very special birthday wishes going out to my twin sister! Love you, sister!

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

P.S. I decided we're not going to the club! Instead....we're gonna see male strippers!
I'll be back Sunday morning to give all the details about my birthday bash. Thanks for all the advice and well wishes!

It's A Matter Of A Extreme Importance....

..... my first grown up club affair.

Remember how I told you guys how my 23rd birthday is this Friday? Well, I'm going out with a group of friends, and they were like 'lets go to____________ (insert club name)'. I agreed because 1) I was a little bit tipsy and 2) i didn't want to seem lame and ask, 'what's ____________ (insert club name)?' I've never even heard of this place...I had no idea it was a club. The problem is, I HATE clubs. So my question is, would I be wrong if I wanted to change the plans I made with my girls and do something completely different? Or should I just go to the club and grin and bear it? I still want to hang out with them, but just not at the club. I kinda feel like since it's my birthday celebration, should have a say-so about it, but at the same time I don't want to disappoint my friends. What would you do? Let me know in the comments.

xoxo

vixen

It's Friday Night....

.....and I'm sitting at home by myself watching 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders Of The Eighties on VH-1. Why? Because my boyfriend doesn't get off work until 10. I can't wait to see him.... I need some peen. Even though we had a quickie this morning. : )  I love him so much, I'm so glad we're back together. I love falling asleep in his arms, kissing him , and spending time with his children. I love how he interacts with his kids..... It's actually one of the reasons why I fell in love with him.  I really feel like we're starting to come together as a real family. 

My leg is getting better. I put on my toe shoes this morning, and I actually could stand on my toes without my leg hurting. Out of all my dance classes, I miss ballet the most. I take jazz, hip-hop, tap, modern street styles, and ballet. I feel the most connected to the ballet classes because I've been taking them since I was 3 years old.  Hopefully I will be able to attend my classes again starting next week. 

I've been eating pretty well.... no binging and purging, no more starving myself, and I've been attending therapy. I'm really happy about getting better. I still have thoughts about losing weight, but I just push them out. I still do tons of sit-ups, because I'm so not trying to have a pudge while I'm rocking my bikini this summer, no ma'am. 

I'm really feeling this video this week. 

That is all.

Peace and Blessings

vixen

I Can't Think Of A Title For This

Hey hey hey everybody! Just thought I would check in.....

Live blogging while watching 'College Hill'.....

Terri's weave is HIDEOUS. 

Brandon isn't all that cute but his body is sick.

Milan is kinda fly in a stuck up diva-ish kinda way. (I secretly want to be her)

Kyle is such a queen! I want a gay bestie so bad.

Why is this Terri chick so dramatic? 

And where are her edges?

***Sidebar: my mom got me some yogurt! End sidebar.****

Chris is such a cutie.

GIRLFIGHT!!! Damn..... Milan almost ripped Terri's wack ass tracks out!

Oh no....one of the girls have to go! I don't want either of them to leave.

Damn they voted Terri out! : (

I love Allison's hair.

Recap: I've come to the conclusion that Terri has low self-esteem and Milan's makeup will melt off her face if she's overexposed to the sun. 

  ****

Today was a boring ass day....I worked.... came home, tried to clean my room, and caught up on some of my writing. Did I forget to tell you that I'm writing a book? I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I haven't been able to attend any of my dance classes this week because I pulled a muscle in my right leg while running around my block. I put on my toe shoes this morning, and I almost cried. I miss my classes so bad! I'm such a baby..... I'll be fine in a week. 

Ooooh.... I'm tired. Gotta go get my beauty sleep!

xoxo

vixen

P.S. Where is Tima and Nasha? Come back, girls! Young Black Beauty: sending you an email soon. I wanna read your private blog!

It's Been A While.....

and I'm so sorry for not keeping my blog family updated like I should have.  There's been so much going on in my personal life. My boyfriend and I got back together, and things are going extremely well. I love his ass so much! Words can't describe how much he means to me. Our Valentine's Day was really nice: we worked together the entire day and most of the night and I didn't think he was going to get me a gift, so when I got in his car after we got off, I was surprised to see balloons, candy, a card, and a teddy bear. Everybody say it with me: AAAAAWWWWW!! I was so surprised..... it was a pleasant surprise. He also got me some bomb ass speakers to got with my ipod. So you know what we had to do when we got back to his house, right? Made love all night. It was the best Valentine's Day ever.

Anywhos, my aunt has breast cancer, so I need you guys to pray for her. My uncle V might have it in his lungs again (he had it in '94 and it went in remission in '97 but now the doctors are saying he might have it again) so I need you guys to pray for him as well. 

Guess what? I've gained 6 pounds, and I haven't binged or purged within the past month and a half. I'll be honest, I almost flipped out and lost my shit when I stepped on the scale and saw that I gained weight, but then I realized that I needed to gain weight to truly get over my eating disorders. My boyfriend is happy, he wants me to gain more weight so my butt can get bigger, lol. I've been doing a ton of crunches so none of  the weight goes to my tummy, cuz I gotta get my belly button pierced so I can rock my bikini for the entire summer. 

On to more fun things....

I GOT A MACBOOK!!!! I'm so in love with it already. I have the silver one. It's ssoooo sleek and zexy. Photo Booth is the best invention ever. My boyfriend and I have already made a sex tape on it. Don't worry, after we watched it a couple times, I deleted it. I'm not trying to pull a Kim Kardashian. (Even though she's fine as hell. If I could hook up with one girl it would be her, without a doubt. Her curves are so hot.) 

Speaking of Kim Kardashian, why didn't anyone tell me that her ex Ray-J was doing that show on VH-1? If I had known he was doing that, I would have auditioned for it. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but I saw the sex tape Ray-J did with Kim Kardashian and um.... can you say LONG DONG SILVER?!? His music may suck, but his peen looks like a baseball bat. 

Moving right along.....

I just some sew-in extentions, and it hurts like hell!!! The braids under my weave are so tight! It hurts so bad. I was so close to taking it down, but I spent too much money getting it done, so I'm just gonna have to ride this one out. 

My birthday is next month on the 17th! I'll be 23. I'm so excited I'm having a girls night to celebrate. It's gonna be the best time ever. 

Get your money straight.....I'm expecting a shitload of presents. 

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Revolution Is Now

Hey beautiful people! Missed you!

Where to begin.....

These are my new years resoultions:

• move out of my moms house
• blog more often
• learn to love my body for what it is and lose the attachment I have for the scale in my bathroom
• work on my temper (sometimes the vixen can be a real bitch!)
• learn to be more patient
• stop drinking so much diet coke
• work on my self-esteem
• learn to trust men
• stop procrastinating
• work out more often
• eat more fruits and vegtables
• learn to love myself more

What else do I have to say? Oh damn I almost forgot! I'm going to therapy. I've addressed the issues with my eating disorders, but I really need to learn how to deal with all the things that happened to me when I was younger (being raped when I was 13, and being molested by my stepfather), and I've been snapping on my mom for no reason. She really doesnt deserve that, and I need to control my temper. So wish me luck! My first session is going to be sometime next month. (and I'm getting a pap smear Thursday morning.)

So I hung out with Panda Friday night. It was so fun! We had drinks with some of our old friends from high school, and um.....I got drunk! I never drink, bur for some weird reason, I felt like I had to keep on drinking. I totally puked all over my friend's house, and two of the girls had to help me walk to the car because I could'nt stand up straight. The girls and I also watched porn. (We were curious....none of us know how to ride a dick properly....ladies, if you have any tips PLEASE let me know!) Good times, good times.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Random

Hey! Just wanted to say that I'm not neglecting my blog on purpose. It's just that my internet has been on some BULLSHIT!

Thank you so much for being patient with me.

Err...where do I begin? My life has been pretty hectic for the past three weeks. I've been working, going to my dance classes, attending the meetings for my eating disorders, and Christmas shopping.

Here's my Christmas list:

Daisy by Marc Jacobsa digital camera

Christian Dior Diorshow mascara in very black

this Louis Vuitton bag

The Complete First Season of Fame


My dance classes have been fucking awesome! I'm taking tap, jazz, ballet , and hip-hop. I love it!

So um.....the ex and I slept together on Saturday night. I stayed the night at his house. It was actually quite nice.....we talked, and assured me that her never cheated. I'm a little apprehensive about us getting back together because of my insecurities. I'm really afraid of getting hurt....it's kinda like I'm sheilding myself from any future pain. I'm scared if I let him back in something bad will happen and it'll blow up in my face. My biggest fear is that he'll find someone better (in my twisted head, better means skinner and prettier.) and forget about me. I love him , and I can't imagine not having him in my life. My fear of being hurt gets in the way of us being together , and I have a hard time trusting men. All the men that I've incountered have done really bad things to me (i.e. , my father walking out on me , my stepfather molesting me when I was younger , and being raped by another man when I was 13.) and I just can't seem to get over it. Errrr.....this is really complicated.

These are the songs I'm feeling this week:

Let's Give 'Em Something To Talk About

***this title has nothing to do with this post! cool points to whoever can tell me what song the title comes from!***

Tag! I'm it!
I've been tagged teamed by Curvy Girl and Songstress! (Hey girls! Love you long time!)

here are the rules:

here goes!

1. I eat 3 to 5 apples a day. I love apples.
2. I'm really horny. (TMI? Oh well! This is my blog, damnnit!)
3. I love this video
4. I love black nail polish even though my ex hates when I wear it.
5. I want to meet Maya Angelou. I love her poetry, and I feel a connection to her because our life stories are so similar.
6. My favorite movie of all time is Purple Rain. Gotta love that Prince! Sexy, sexy.

7. I own over 40 lip glosses.

I'm tagging anyone who wants to do this.

I know I've been gone for a while.....the world of Little Miss Vixen is quite crazy these days. My sister got an apartment! YAY! I'm so proud of her! I'm glad she moved out of my place but I'm missing my nieces and my nephew something fierce. I miss them sleeping in my bed with me. I love those kids so much...it's like I gave birth to them, lol.

Oh damn I almost forgot! I saw my father again the week of my uncles funeral. It was at the party my family had to celebrate my uncles life. Bad experience. He ignored my sister and I the whole time. And this shit right here is the fucking shocker: he has a 7 year old son. He actually takes care of this little boy and is involved in his life. Wow. This was my our first time meeting the little dude, and honestly I could care less about the little boy. The whole time we were at the party our father ignored us. I was trying to be strong for my sister, and it took every ounce of strength in my body for me not to walk up to my father and slap the cowboy shit outta him. I was so hurt....everytime he looked at the little boy, his eyes would just light up with unconditional love for the kid. He never looked at my sister and I like that ever in our lives. I'll be honest...that hurt like hell. Ugh.

The ex and I had a lengthy text discussion on Friday night. Here's how it went down:
ex: I've been doing alot of thinking since the day you broke up with me.
vixen: Thinking about what?
ex: I've been trying to figure out why you ended things.
vixen: Because I felt like you were cheating on me.
ex: I never cheated on you.

*****SWEET DAMN!!! He never cheated. I've been missing his ass something fierce****

Guys, he sounded so sincere when he said it. I want to believe him, but the insecure side of myself tells me that I should'nt. He wants us to get back together. Why is love so confusing? Anywhos, I ended up staying the night with him on Saturday. There was no sex invovled! (Which is why I'm so horny now, lol!) We just talked, spooned, and cuddled. I love that man so much. Love is so complicated!

These are the songs I'm feeling this week:
Energy by Keri Hilson



Is It A Crime (live) by Sade


Till It Happens To (live) by Corinne Bailey Rae

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

Tags And Things

***EDIT:I DELETED ALL THE MUSIC FROM THIS POST. IT MAKES MY PAGE LOAD SLOW!***

Hey hey hey!!

So sorry I've bee M.I.A.

Been crazy busy. Working my ass off. My great uncle (my dad's uncle) died Friday morning. He had a stroke. I miss him. He was the coolest uncle ever. Treated my sister and I like we were his own. In memory of him, here's "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd


So my sister and I go to our uncles funeral on Tuesday morning and can you guess who we saw? Our deadbeat dad. He spots us, and he turns around and starts walking in the opposite direction. He's such a dumbass jackass. Ugh. So my sister is getting all emotional about it when our favorite uncle V (he's a cross-dresser. I love his ass! More about him in a later post) strolls over. He hugs us, and tells us that he loves us. That cheers us up, but I'm still upset that our father ignored us, but I'm most worried about my sister. I don't want him to hurt her again. I do know that we will probably see him again on Saturday because our family is having a get together in honor of my uncle. I'm excited because I really don't get to see that side of my family too often.

Things with Panda didn't go well. She stood me up.
No call.
No text.
Nothing.
I don't even care. I'm not going to beg her to be my friend. That's that.



I've been tagged by Ms. Magnificent!

The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

1. I have a fraternal twin sister. We aren't identical. I look like mom and she looks like dad. I'm ten minutes older than her.

2. I'm double jointed in my fingers and my toes.

3. I feel really bad for even admitting this, but I love my sister more than I love my older brother. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother but the way I love my sister is on a deeper and spiritual level.

4. I love rough sex. If I'm not getting my ass smacked and having my hair pulled while doing the do, I am not a happy camper. I also love deep kisses....if you're going to kiss me, don't give me a little peck! Use your tongue and make it nasty, please and thank you.

5. I love sunflower seeds.

6. I STAN for the Pussycat Dolls and Girlicious. (yes, I fux with bubblegum pop! don't judge me!) Their songs are so catchy, and their bodies are sick. I also love the way they dress.







7. I'm still stuck on my dad. If you don't know our history, please page down until you find this post: A Letter To My Father. That explains it all.


8. I'm half Haitian. My dad is a full blooded Haitian. His family moved to America when he was 5 years old. My mom is black.


I'm tagging:
Lucky
Tima and Nasha
iCandy21
Dope Fiend
contagiously cranky
luvinyounow
(I tried to post the links, but blogger is acting a damn fool! sorry!)

And now, I will leave you with two songs that I'm really feeling this week.

Almost-Tamia
Realize-Colbie Calliat

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

P.S. Get up and vote! I already did! It's up to us to help change our country for the better! Go team Obama!

Naughty Girl And A Best Friend Breakup

I've been naughty....

I've been bad....

Spank me!!!!

I am SOOOOO sorry for not being on top of my blogging like I should be! I want to apologize to Tima and Nasha, Jaded, icandy21, Pink, Lucky, contagiously cranky, luvinyounow, brownngirl, and Kitty. (If I left anyone off this list, I'm sorry!) You guys, I am so sorry for not commenting on your blogs like I should be doing! I just simply haven't had the time. Just know that I love you forever, and I always read your posts even though I don't always comment on them.

How's my blog fam?! Good, I hope. Things are getting much better in the life of vixen. I'm still going to my treatment meeting for my anorexia and bulimia, and I've been eating 3 meals a day without throwing them up for the past week. YYYYYYAAAAAYYYY!!!! LOL! I'm really proud of myself.....I've just been taking this one day at a time. O-M-FREAKING-G!!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me that they started making peanut butter Twix?!!? Those things are the business!! I had one this morning, and it's the little things like those that make me appreciate getting healthy again. Look at me, getting all sentimental over a Twix! No but seriously, those things are some serious chocolaty-peanut-buttery-slap-ya-mama-and-ya-grandma-GOODNESS!! That's the best thing I've eaten in a long-ass time!

Now, on to more pressing issues.....

My former BFF (from now on we will call her Panda because she loves panda bears) called me up this morning and asked me if I wanted to spend my off day with her. Keep in mind that I haven't seen or spoken to her in months. I tell her yes. My off day is Wednesday so we will see how this goes. I think I should give you guys the vixen and Panda back story:

**we met freshman year of high school
**we were like peas and carrots- you never ever saw one without the other, no ma'am. Like seriously, I never thought that our friendship would end up like it is now.
**we kinda had a falling out like a year and a half ago- it wasn't really an argument, we were just busy with our own lives- i.e., she got pregnant but she had a miscarriage, I was working all the time and fighting my eating disorders, she got a boyfriend (the guy she was pregnant by was not the child's father). Our friendship has been shaky ever since.

All in all we just stopped talking. I'm a little apprehensive about hanging out with her because I'm afraid it will be awkward because we haven't talked in so long. I hope all goes well.

Anywhos, I've been working with the ex, and for the first time, it's been hard as hell. I was so emotionally numb when we first broke up that I didn't really feel anything, but now that I know there's a possibility that he will be with someone else, it just KILLS me. I need to get over this because while we were together I had a really strong feeling that he was cheating on me. I can't be with someone like that. I don't know how to get over this....I'm new at this whole dating and relationships thing.

Any advice? Hit me up in the comment section. I love hearing from you!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

Guilty Pleasures, Barack Obama, And A Meltdown Of Epic Proportions

Hey hey hey everybody! Did you miss me? Of course you did! LOL. I missed you guys too! Babies, vixen's exhausted.

I just want to stop and take a moment to tell you guys how happy your comments make me! You have no idea how much I look forward to reading them. I appreciate you guys for coming by my blog, and here's a big ol' HI! to all my new readers...adding you to the blogroll soon. : )

So I know you guys are wondering if I'm eating, and yes, I am. I had to. I was so weak it was to the point where I felt nauseous everytime I bent down to tie my shoes. I'm taking it slow because I know that I can't be cured overnight....this is really hard for me. I've had the urge to throw up everytime I eat but I'm fighting it. I can't let this eating disorder kill me. I went to my eating disorder support group meeting on Thursday night, and Victoria was there. She is the coolest white girl ever! I can tell we're going to be really good friends.

Um...what else? There's not too much going on in the life of vixen. Things with my twin sister are getting a little better. She's trying to do better with the kids, but I'm still doing a majority of the brunt work. Why, you ask? Because I love my neices and my nephew and I want them to have the best. The other night my 5 year old nephew said to me, 'auntie why do you work so much?' and it was then that I realized that I'm doing this for them. I love those kids more than the air I breathe.


Now, on to Mr. Barack Obama!!! I live in Nashville, and he's in town today! They blocked the street where my job is so that he can get to the debate tonight, and I saw him! Yep, you read right! I saw BARACK O-FREAKIN-BAMA!!! He waved at me from his car!!! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! I almost had a freakin heart attack I was so excited that he waved that me! That man is just brilliant, amazing, talented, and beautiful! He's the father I've always wanted. Seeing him made my whole day and it really gave me hope that things are going to change in our country. He's going to be a great president. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I can't believe that brilliant man waved at me!

Anywhos..... I had a meltdown of epic proportions after I left work last night. I was thinking about how much my life has changed since I'm not with him anymore. He was my first boyfriend. Breaking up is so hard to do. It just hit me like a ton of bricks....wow, it's really over. I cried so much last night. I get a pain in my chest everytime I think about him. I miss being his girlfriend so much. *plays 'Can't Let Go' by Mariah Carey*

On to more fun things......
This is a list of songs that I consider to be my gulity pleasure songs. (This is a music blog, after all!)

What are your guilty pleasures? Musically and otherwise? Let me know in the comments!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

These Are My Confessions.....

***DISCLAIMER: THIS POST HAS A LOT OF CURSE WORDS IN IT. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE PROFANITY, STOP READING NOW.***


Hi everybody! First off, let me say that I am truly sorry for taking so long to do a post. My job has been so crazy- instead of working 40 hours a week I've been working 60. Needless to say, I've been WAY tired. Like falling-asleep-as-soon-as-my-head-hits-the-pillow-tired.

My twin sister moved in with my mom and I like 4 days ago, and I'm already feeling the strain of it. She got put out of her apartment because her bitch ass baby daddy (yes my sister is one of those ghetto as hell girls whose 3 kids have 3 different dads...but I digress) robbed some guy that lives in the same apartments so the guy went and shot inside my sisters house while my nieces and nephew where in there. Clearly I'm pissed off about this situation because 1) my sister and her kids are practically homeless because of this loser, 2) she still talks to him but she lied to my mom and told her that she doesn't talk to him anymore, and 3) that asshole put my neices and nephew in danger and I don't appreciate that shit. My sister is so trifling all she does is sit around and smoke weed all day. She's pissing me off so bad I love my sister to death but she's 22 years old with 3 kids, she needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility for her actions. Our living situation kind of sucks now it's my mom, my sister, my 2 neices and my nephew in a two bedroom house. Can you say cramped? The kids sleep in my bed with me, and my sister sleeps on our sofa. I'm happy that the kids are here, because I get to see them more, but my sister is starting to irk me something fierce. Like she doesn't give the kids baths she sleeps all day, and she's basically just lazy as hell. I wake up eary in the morning, get the kids ready for school, drop them off, work 10 hours a day, come home, help the kids with their homework, give them baths, and put them to bed. Do you think my ungrateful ass sister has thanked me for any of this? NO. I'm about ready to give up on her. I'm tired. Sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and slap some since into her. She needs to get her ass beat.

So like the title indicated, I have some confessions to make.....

I havent eaten anything since Friday. Getting better is harder than I thought it would be. I'm so afraid of gaining weight. The last time I ate I just threw it all up after I was done.

The ex and I ended up having sex the other night. I could give you a bunch of excuses, but I'm not going to. Hell, I was horny. He told me he loved me after we were done. I'm not going to get my hopes up because I doubt that he wants me back.

These are my confessions...what are yours?

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

A Letter To My Father

Dear Father:

Thank you for walking out on me when I was 4 years old.
Thank you for not loving me.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be completely loved or accepted for who I am.
Thank you for popping in and out of my life, promising me the world, and then leaving again.
Thank you getting my hopes up by telling me that you are going to pick me up on the weekends and then never showing up.That was really the biggest highlight of my third grade year.
Thank you for not attending my high school graduation.
Thank you for making me feel weird when people ask me where you are.
Thank you for not being there when my stepfather started molesting me when I was 9 years old.
Thank you for not being there when another man raped me when I was 13.
Thank you for all the times I've cried myself to sleep every night on Father's Day. Thank you for never showing up for father/daughter functions at school.
Thank you for breaking my mom's heart.
Thank you for leaving my mom to raise 3 kids by herself.
Thank you for promising to buy me a car that I never got.
Thank you for making me feel like I'm incompetent.
Thank you for all the time I waste thinking about you.
Thank you. You are the reason why I avoid getting close to people because I'm afraid they will abandon me.
Thank you for the time you ignored me when you saw me at Target.
Thank you for putting me on a diet when I was 10 years old. Drinking the Slim-Fast you gave me and running around our neighborhood really made me feel confidant about my body.
Thank you for telling me that black girls can't have eating disorders.
Thank you for calling me stupid.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be good enough.