hi. as you can see from the title, i've had a relapse. i stepped on the scale on monday morning, and i saw that i've gained of total of ten pounds since i've started treatment, and i flipped out. felt like a cow. felt like a fat failure.
.....and I'm sitting at home by myself watching 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders Of The Eighties on VH-1. Why? Because my boyfriend doesn't get off work until 10. I can't wait to see him.... I need some peen. Even though we had a quickie this morning. : ) I love him so much, I'm so glad we're back together. I love falling asleep in his arms, kissing him , and spending time with his children. I love how he interacts with his kids..... It's actually one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. I really feel like we're starting to come together as a real family.
and I'm so sorry for not keeping my blog family updated like I should have. There's been so much going on in my personal life. My boyfriend and I got back together, and things are going extremely well. I love his ass so much! Words can't describe how much he means to me. Our Valentine's Day was really nice: we worked together the entire day and most of the night and I didn't think he was going to get me a gift, so when I got in his car after we got off, I was surprised to see balloons, candy, a card, and a teddy bear. Everybody say it with me: AAAAAWWWWW!! I was so surprised..... it was a pleasant surprise. He also got me some bomb ass speakers to got with my ipod. So you know what we had to do when we got back to his house, right? Made love all night. It was the best Valentine's Day ever.
Hey! Just wanted to say that I'm not neglecting my blog on purpose. It's just that my internet has been on some BULLSHIT!
Thank you so much for being patient with me.
Err...where do I begin? My life has been pretty hectic for the past three weeks. I've been working, going to my dance classes, attending the meetings for my eating disorders, and Christmas shopping.
Here's my Christmas list:
Daisy by Marc Jacobs
a digital camera
this Louis Vuitton bag
The Complete First Season of Fame
My dance classes have been fucking awesome! I'm taking tap, jazz, ballet , and hip-hop. I love it!
So um.....the ex and I slept together on Saturday night. I stayed the night at his house. It was actually quite nice.....we talked, and assured me that her never cheated. I'm a little apprehensive about us getting back together because of my insecurities. I'm really afraid of getting hurt....it's kinda like I'm sheilding myself from any future pain. I'm scared if I let him back in something bad will happen and it'll blow up in my face. My biggest fear is that he'll find someone better (in my twisted head, better means skinner and prettier.) and forget about me. I love him , and I can't imagine not having him in my life. My fear of being hurt gets in the way of us being together , and I have a hard time trusting men. All the men that I've incountered have done really bad things to me (i.e. , my father walking out on me , my stepfather molesting me when I was younger , and being raped by another man when I was 13.) and I just can't seem to get over it. Errrr.....this is really complicated.
These are the songs I'm feeling this week:
I've been naughty....
I've been bad....
Spank me!!!!
I am SOOOOO sorry for not being on top of my blogging like I should be! I want to apologize to Tima and Nasha, Jaded, icandy21, Pink, Lucky, contagiously cranky, luvinyounow, brownngirl, and Kitty. (If I left anyone off this list, I'm sorry!) You guys, I am so sorry for not commenting on your blogs like I should be doing! I just simply haven't had the time. Just know that I love you forever, and I always read your posts even though I don't always comment on them.
How's my blog fam?! Good, I hope. Things are getting much better in the life of vixen. I'm still going to my treatment meeting for my anorexia and bulimia, and I've been eating 3 meals a day without throwing them up for the past week. YYYYYYAAAAAYYYY!!!! LOL! I'm really proud of myself.....I've just been taking this one day at a time. O-M-FREAKING-G!!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me that they started making peanut butter Twix?!!? Those things are the business!! I had one this morning, and it's the little things like those that make me appreciate getting healthy again. Look at me, getting all sentimental over a Twix! No but seriously, those things are some serious chocolaty-peanut-buttery-slap-ya-mama-and-ya-grandma-GOODNESS!! That's the best thing I've eaten in a long-ass time!
Now, on to more pressing issues.....
My former BFF (from now on we will call her Panda because she loves panda bears) called me up this morning and asked me if I wanted to spend my off day with her. Keep in mind that I haven't seen or spoken to her in months. I tell her yes. My off day is Wednesday so we will see how this goes. I think I should give you guys the vixen and Panda back story:
**we met freshman year of high school
**we were like peas and carrots- you never ever saw one without the other, no ma'am. Like seriously, I never thought that our friendship would end up like it is now.
**we kinda had a falling out like a year and a half ago- it wasn't really an argument, we were just busy with our own lives- i.e., she got pregnant but she had a miscarriage, I was working all the time and fighting my eating disorders, she got a boyfriend (the guy she was pregnant by was not the child's father). Our friendship has been shaky ever since.
All in all we just stopped talking. I'm a little apprehensive about hanging out with her because I'm afraid it will be awkward because we haven't talked in so long. I hope all goes well.
Anywhos, I've been working with the ex, and for the first time, it's been hard as hell. I was so emotionally numb when we first broke up that I didn't really feel anything, but now that I know there's a possibility that he will be with someone else, it just KILLS me. I need to get over this because while we were together I had a really strong feeling that he was cheating on me. I can't be with someone like that. I don't know how to get over this....I'm new at this whole dating and relationships thing.
Any advice? Hit me up in the comment section. I love hearing from you!
Peace and Blessings,
vixen
Hey hey hey everybody! Did you miss me? Of course you did! LOL. I missed you guys too! Babies, vixen's exhausted.
I just want to stop and take a moment to tell you guys how happy your comments make me! You have no idea how much I look forward to reading them. I appreciate you guys for coming by my blog, and here's a big ol' HI! to all my new readers...adding you to the blogroll soon. : )
So I know you guys are wondering if I'm eating, and yes, I am. I had to. I was so weak it was to the point where I felt nauseous everytime I bent down to tie my shoes. I'm taking it slow because I know that I can't be cured overnight....this is really hard for me. I've had the urge to throw up everytime I eat but I'm fighting it. I can't let this eating disorder kill me. I went to my eating disorder support group meeting on Thursday night, and Victoria was there. She is the coolest white girl ever! I can tell we're going to be really good friends.
Um...what else? There's not too much going on in the life of vixen. Things with my twin sister are getting a little better. She's trying to do better with the kids, but I'm still doing a majority of the brunt work. Why, you ask? Because I love my neices and my nephew and I want them to have the best. The other night my 5 year old nephew said to me, 'auntie why do you work so much?' and it was then that I realized that I'm doing this for them. I love those kids more than the air I breathe.
Now, on to Mr. Barack Obama!!! I live in Nashville, and he's in town today! They blocked the street where my job is so that he can get to the debate tonight, and I saw him! Yep, you read right! I saw BARACK O-FREAKIN-BAMA!!! He waved at me from his car!!! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! I almost had a freakin heart attack I was so excited that he waved that me! That man is just brilliant, amazing, talented, and beautiful! He's the father I've always wanted. Seeing him made my whole day and it really gave me hope that things are going to change in our country. He's going to be a great president. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I can't believe that brilliant man waved at me!
Anywhos..... I had a meltdown of epic proportions after I left work last night. I was thinking about how much my life has changed since I'm not with him anymore. He was my first boyfriend. Breaking up is so hard to do. It just hit me like a ton of bricks....wow, it's really over. I cried so much last night. I get a pain in my chest everytime I think about him. I miss being his girlfriend so much. *plays 'Can't Let Go' by Mariah Carey*
On to more fun things......
This is a list of songs that I consider to be my gulity pleasure songs. (This is a music blog, after all!)
***DISCLAIMER: THIS POST HAS A LOT OF CURSE WORDS IN IT. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE PROFANITY, STOP READING NOW.***
Hi everybody! First off, let me say that I am truly sorry for taking so long to do a post. My job has been so crazy- instead of working 40 hours a week I've been working 60. Needless to say, I've been WAY tired. Like falling-asleep-as-soon-as-my-head-hits-the-pillow-tired.
My twin sister moved in with my mom and I like 4 days ago, and I'm already feeling the strain of it. She got put out of her apartment because her bitch ass baby daddy (yes my sister is one of those ghetto as hell girls whose 3 kids have 3 different dads...but I digress) robbed some guy that lives in the same apartments so the guy went and shot inside my sisters house while my nieces and nephew where in there. Clearly I'm pissed off about this situation because 1) my sister and her kids are practically homeless because of this loser, 2) she still talks to him but she lied to my mom and told her that she doesn't talk to him anymore, and 3) that asshole put my neices and nephew in danger and I don't appreciate that shit. My sister is so trifling all she does is sit around and smoke weed all day. She's pissing me off so bad I love my sister to death but she's 22 years old with 3 kids, she needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility for her actions. Our living situation kind of sucks now it's my mom, my sister, my 2 neices and my nephew in a two bedroom house. Can you say cramped? The kids sleep in my bed with me, and my sister sleeps on our sofa. I'm happy that the kids are here, because I get to see them more, but my sister is starting to irk me something fierce. Like she doesn't give the kids baths she sleeps all day, and she's basically just lazy as hell. I wake up eary in the morning, get the kids ready for school, drop them off, work 10 hours a day, come home, help the kids with their homework, give them baths, and put them to bed. Do you think my ungrateful ass sister has thanked me for any of this? NO. I'm about ready to give up on her. I'm tired. Sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and slap some since into her. She needs to get her ass beat.
So like the title indicated, I have some confessions to make.....
I havent eaten anything since Friday. Getting better is harder than I thought it would be. I'm so afraid of gaining weight. The last time I ate I just threw it all up after I was done.
The ex and I ended up having sex the other night. I could give you a bunch of excuses, but I'm not going to. Hell, I was horny. He told me he loved me after we were done. I'm not going to get my hopes up because I doubt that he wants me back.
These are my confessions...what are yours?
Peace and Blessings,
vixen
Hello world! How you been blog fam? I've been well, and I'm doing a lot better. : )
Working with the ex is a lot easier than I anticipated it would be. He's actually being a little too nice to me. Examples: he's been doing a huge majoritiy of my work for me, he let me listen to my ipod while I was working (which is a major no-no at my place of employment), and basically he's just been kissing my ass. I'm not gonna stop him...I'ma ride that shit the wheels fall off, ya dig?!? LOL!
I went to my first meeting Tuesday night. (Sidenote:Why was I the only black girl at that meeting?) While I was there, I met a 19 yr old named Victoria and we became fast friends. She's 5 ft 4 and she weighs 90 pounds. Oh my gosh, she is so tiny and frail. We talked and she was telling me that she wants to lose 15 more pounds. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything's gonna be ok. We hit it off like crazy though. I hope the both of us get better. There were so many girls at the meeting that were so skinny! Like there was this tall white girl, and she literally looked like a skeleton, she was so small. Being there made me realize how truly blessed I am and it's really motivating me to get better.
So this is my meal plan for today:
Breakfast: Special K with lowfat skim milk, an apple
Lunch: A bomb-ass salad, lol
Dinner: Steamed broccoli and a turkey sandwich
So far I've made it through breakfast and lunch without throwing up. I did feel a little guilty because I put a teaspoon of sugar in my ceral. Eating is really hard for me and the eating disorders that I have cannot be cured overnite. The thought of gaining too much weight terrifies me. Hopefully dinner will go well and I won't have the urge to puke it all up.
I'm so excited my best friend found the bridesmaids dresses! High-five for bargin shopping! Whatchu know 'bout getting 5 bridesmaids dresses from American Apperal? We found the flowers for the bouquet. My best friend jokes that she should marry me because I'm doing more planning than her future husband is, lol.
Work has been absolutely insane. We just fired a cashier that we just hired like a week ago. OMG homegurl was the biggest Debbie Downer/Negative Nelly EVER. She smells like beer and cat food. I'm so glad she's gone, y'all have no idea. (I'm going to hell for that...)
I will be back sooner than later, I promise.
Peace and Blessings,
vixen
P.S. Please show some love for my homegurl, http://thegirlintheglasses.blogspot.com/ she's having kind of a hard time right now. I love you Lucky! Things will get better, and we will find the loser who got your Blackberry!
I broke things off with the boyfriend this morning. I think from now on we'll call him 'C' . Anyways, I ended our relationship of a year and a half today. I haven't cried yet. I'm not even upset. I actually kind of feel like I'm on autopilot now...I just feel numb. I don't think it has hit me yet. It's funny, when we were together I would get upset whenever I thought about us not being together. I asked him if he cheated and of course he denied it. I still have a feeling that he did but whatever, I'm not going to stress over it. What is meant to be will be. He is my heart, and I still love him, but I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. We had a good day at work (sidenote:did I mention that we work together? He's my boss. I met him there. But that's a whole other post.) even after I told him I didn't want to be together anymore. I know I sound optimistic right now, but I think I would flip the fuck out if I saw him with another chick. But I will cross that bridge when it gets here....
I want to tell you guys about the whole weird situation that is my father, but that will set off a crying jag, and I don't think I'm prepared for that today. Another post, someday soon, I promise.
So on with some (hopefully) good news: I will be starting treatment for my eating disorder this week. I will be attending meetings on Tuesday and Thursday nights until I conquer this demon they call anorexia and bulemia. These are the same meetings I attended two years ago when I first got sick. I think I will do well, but I'm not sure about the whole eating thing (insert irony here). All I ate today was three apples and a bottle of water. I can't remember the last time I had a real meal. But that's neither here or there. But I will say this: I really want to get better.
Peace and Blessings,
vixen
Lots of things happening in the dramatic saga called my life:
THE GOOD...
My best friend is getting married next October. I'm her maid of honor/hair stylist/makeup artist/assistant wedding planner. We picked out her dress yesterday so now we have the hard task of finding the perfect bridesmaids dresses. Wish us luck!
I recently got a promotion at my job and I have been working over 40 hours a week. This is explains why I haven't been blogging as much as I should. Sorry guys! But I'm trying. : )
THE BAD...
I've lost 35 pounds over the last 2 months. I was anorexic a couple of years ago. Cue relapse now. I'm trying to hide it from my family and it's really hard. They see right through me.
I still miss my father.
I have a sinking feeling that my boyfriend is cheating on me.
Peace and Blessings,
vixen
