Monday, December 22, 2008


Hey! Just wanted to say that I'm not neglecting my blog on purpose. It's just that my internet has been on some BULLSHIT!

Thank you so much for being patient with me.

Err...where do I begin? My life has been pretty hectic for the past three weeks. I've been working, going to my dance classes, attending the meetings for my eating disorders, and Christmas shopping.

Here's my Christmas list:

Daisy by Marc Jacobsa digital camera

Christian Dior Diorshow mascara in very black

this Louis Vuitton bag

The Complete First Season of Fame

My dance classes have been fucking awesome! I'm taking tap, jazz, ballet , and hip-hop. I love it!

So um.....the ex and I slept together on Saturday night. I stayed the night at his house. It was actually quite nice.....we talked, and assured me that her never cheated. I'm a little apprehensive about us getting back together because of my insecurities. I'm really afraid of getting's kinda like I'm sheilding myself from any future pain. I'm scared if I let him back in something bad will happen and it'll blow up in my face. My biggest fear is that he'll find someone better (in my twisted head, better means skinner and prettier.) and forget about me. I love him , and I can't imagine not having him in my life. My fear of being hurt gets in the way of us being together , and I have a hard time trusting men. All the men that I've incountered have done really bad things to me (i.e. , my father walking out on me , my stepfather molesting me when I was younger , and being raped by another man when I was 13.) and I just can't seem to get over it. Errrr.....this is really complicated.

These are the songs I'm feeling this week:


Merry Christmas!

Peace and Blessings,

26 holla'd back:

contagiouslyCRANKY said...

I think you should take your time getting back into relationship mode with the ex. Especially if you are feeling insecure in yourself. Even if he never cheated and is being faithful to you, your insecurities may try and find fault in anything he does. Merry Christmas Hopefully you get all that you asked for..

Teems said...

I totally understand you. Trust that I cant relate in more ways than one. Take your time. I often wonder why after trauma is it still easier to give yourself physically and not your heart and trust. You would think they would all be equally difficult. (Do you understand what I mean?)

Great to see you back. Happy Holidays Girl!

Chae NewBreed said...

wow...& whoa to your men ENCOUNTERS.
it sux that people cannot be trusted but as someone JUST told me, it is the world that we live in.
anywho, if you care, i say TRY AGAIN BUT BE PARTICULARLY CAUTIOUS.
no use fightin something that's most likely gonna win...
so do YOU. try again and if it fails a second time, it REALLY WAS NOT MEANT TO BE/FLOURISH.

CurvyGurl said...

Hey girlie! So glad to have ya back online. Old cliche, but...better to love and lost than to never love at all. I agree with Chae.

Have a very Merry Christmas!

Reggie said...

I missed you, V!!!:)

Merry Xmas!!!:)

Kitty said...

It's hard to trust anyone but will you never fall in love again because of the fear of possibly getting hurt?? Of course not. Well anyway.
Merry Christmas Vixen!! *wink*

luvinyounow said...

Merry Christmas! I agree with contagiouslyCRANKY. It might be a good idea to work out some things within you before you get into "relationship mode".

I'm glad you're back though! Are you back? I missed you!

A.M. said...

hey gurlie

Long time no see or hear from.
Nice blog post
let's see...Pretty good christmas list, and i'm happy that you've got something like your dance class 2 make you happy

As far as the ex, i dunno. Go for it if U really want to. It's hard though when you have all those insecurities. I would say its best you stay alone to work on yourself. Because this is the classic case of, "how can you be in a relationship if you don't love yourself"

Not saying that you don't love yourself. But your own insecurities you're dealing with are leaking into the relationship you have with him.

just somethings to think about.

Remember A.M. Loves ya and I hope you're having a very Merry Christmas with your fam :)

Lucky said...

i LOVE YOU...I know you can come through and make smart choices about this without letting the things in your past continue to screw with you. Suffice it to say that I'm giving you a HUGE cyber-hug right now!


Lucky said...

PS I really wanna make time to get to some dance classes, I haven't been in a looooong time! also I askd for a digital cam too and got it, I hope you did as well! Plus report on Diorshow, I wanna know if it's really the be-all and end-all to mascara

Random I know :]

Sean Garrette Lundy said...

heyy i love your blog can you follow mine and comment my post? i know you'll love it!


My Fashion Frenzy said...

The camera is cute ;)


i love your site and i agree with Chae- if you love him and you want to be with him then be with him, let him know that you have things that you are working on and you need him to be patient... at the same time don't go around looking for problems and issues.... take comfort in the love that he gives you! in this crazy world all you have is each other and if you want it to be you and him then buckle down and you to do the work because relationships are work... i trust you will make the right decision! but also try your best not to sleep with him unless you two make a commitment because the more you do, the more you feel and if you want to eventually get over him because of how you two split you are only hurting yourself!!!!!

much love!

Nicole said...

missed u much!
hope u had a boom christmas and an even better new yr!

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I hope you had a very wonderful Christmas. I got a digital camera mysself this year so I am stoked! I hope you got yours.

As far as the ex, trust your instincts and take you time girly.

Soulstress said...

I say give it regards to ur ex. If its meant to be it will. U still need to heal from what happend in the relationship in the past b4 u can move forward. And ultimately u gotta do whats best for u.

She Bangz® said...

girl take him back go for it why not lolz...u cant worry about what might happen..just do what will make you happy..and dont rush into is short...just live

YoungBlackBeauty said...

Welcome back girly Hope Christmas was grand.

I think being hurt is apart of love and life. It's unavoidable. But it makes you strong and I think you need that.

Truthful Trish said...

MARK JACOBS DAISY smells amazing girl that was a good christmas gift request im mad i didnt think of that lol.

and you seem like a smart girl so im sure you will find out and make the best decision posible...good luck and no worries girly :)

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

First, let me say you wish list is fab!!! I did get a digital camera this year, and I love it.

About your post, I can cosign with you 100%. My relationship with men has been very volatile, starting with my father as well. My previous relationship brought me to the lowest point of my life...seriously, to the point where I had to seek counseling not only for that, but for also not eating, sleeping, etc. I vowed to NEVER allow another man get that close to me once I got over him.

But you have to realize, life is a lifelong lesson, and it changes and moves on just like anything will you. You will have bad things, but you will also have better, and the better is worth living learn to live, feel, and love and never allow anyone, else, or thing hinder that from you.

DiamondsR4eva said...

Welcome back, happy New Year!

Muze said...

aww. hugs. i completely understand the whole men and trust thing, whew.

i say just take your time and see if he backs up what he's talking... time will def tell.

ooooh that c. dior mascara is the bomb diggy. i'm buying myself a digital camera. lol.

hope your new year is grand lady!

Tom_Gurl said...

I'm sooo late! But definitely take your time with the ex. Deal with you first, deal with your eating disorder, and your insecurites. I say this becuase you don't want anything to set you back. I think when you're happy with you-wholeheartedly, then you'll be able to let your guard down a bit, and let the love in. If your ex really wants you, then he will wait for there for you when you need him...and be able to give you the space when you need it.

Definitely take your time hunny-it's all about going at your pace!

Hope you had a great Christmas & New Year!

~SpiFFSter ~ {SFC} said...

I am okay now!!!
I can't wait for your next post!!!
thank you sooooo much homie!

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

just wanted to say have a blessed 2009

Princess Katrina said...

I would KILL for the Louis bag!!! I love it!