high-five

i stayed under 500 calories.
i can't feel hunger anymore.
i hope this feeling never goes away.

sabotage

i'm loving this song so much....this girl has got a voice on her!



It's sabotage now
I keep praying she'll leave me alone
But she keeps waiting outside of my home
I've got an angel on the left saying "Don't give in"
But the evil on the right is saying "Let her in"
She won't stop kicking down my door, oh
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now
I can't hold on to guys I like
'Cause she keeps looking with wondering eyes
I've got an angel on the left screaming "Get away"
But the devil on the right is saying "Time to play"
And I can't take it anymore
It's sabotage now
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now
When I fall in love
I cause myself so much pain
I sabotage my heart
And I don't know how to change
It doesn't matter what I say, what I do
'Cause in the end she always wins, I always lose
I need to get her out of my life
Oh
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now

thoughts floating around in my head

i was in third grade when my stepfather started molesting me.

he came into my room one night after everyone else had fell asleep.

i felt a hand going under my nightgown and then into my panties.

i awoke to him masturbating with one hand, and rubbing my privates with the other.

groping.

touching.

probing.

molesting.

hurting.

this went on for at least six years.

over two-hundred times.

i remember when it would happen.... i would squeeze my eyes shut, and try to separate myself from it.

it felt like i was on the outside looking in. watching him hurt me over and over and over and over and over again.

i've been emotionally shut down for so long.

i still remember what his penis looks like, smells like, and tastes like.

felt so dirty.

i still feel dirty.

so dirty that i shower at least three times a day.

i scrub my skin until its raw and bleeding.

so dirty that sometimes i don't want my boyfriend to touch me.

so dirty that i'm afraid of most men.

so dirty that i don't trust most men.

so dirty that i pray like hell that my nieces and nephew will never have to go through something like that.

i feel so dirty....i just want to wash this away.

i want these thoughts out of my head.

he lives in my panties.

blair underwood.

he is so fucking fine.

i want to lick the sweat off his body.

that is all.

yuck.

i started my period this morning , and it's turned me into a binge monster.

grilled cheese sandwich.

vegatable soup.

granola bars.

cranberry juice.

chocolate ice cream.

yuck.

fatty's going to the gym now.

peace and blessings,

vixen