i was in third grade when my stepfather started molesting me.
he came into my room one night after everyone else had fell asleep.
i felt a hand going under my nightgown and then into my panties.
i awoke to him masturbating with one hand, and rubbing my privates with the other.
this went on for at least six years.
over two-hundred times.
i remember when it would happen.... i would squeeze my eyes shut, and try to separate myself from it.
it felt like i was on the outside looking in. watching him hurt me over and over and over and over and over again.
i've been emotionally shut down for so long.
i still remember what his penis looks like, smells like, and tastes like.
felt so dirty.
i still feel dirty.
so dirty that i shower at least three times a day.
i scrub my skin until its raw and bleeding.
so dirty that sometimes i don't want my boyfriend to touch me.
so dirty that i'm afraid of most men.
so dirty that i don't trust most men.
so dirty that i pray like hell that my nieces and nephew will never have to go through something like that.
i feel so dirty....i just want to wash this away.
i want these thoughts out of my head.