Monday, November 16, 2009

thoughts floating around in my head

i was in third grade when my stepfather started molesting me.

he came into my room one night after everyone else had fell asleep.

i felt a hand going under my nightgown and then into my panties.

i awoke to him masturbating with one hand, and rubbing my privates with the other.






this went on for at least six years.

over two-hundred times.

i remember when it would happen.... i would squeeze my eyes shut, and try to separate myself from it.

it felt like i was on the outside looking in. watching him hurt me over and over and over and over and over again.

i've been emotionally shut down for so long.

i still remember what his penis looks like, smells like, and tastes like.

felt so dirty.

i still feel dirty.

so dirty that i shower at least three times a day.

i scrub my skin until its raw and bleeding.

so dirty that sometimes i don't want my boyfriend to touch me.

so dirty that i'm afraid of most men.

so dirty that i don't trust most men.

so dirty that i pray like hell that my nieces and nephew will never have to go through something like that.

i feel so dirty....i just want to wash this away.

i want these thoughts out of my head.

14 holla'd back:

A.M. said...

i dont want to seem insensitve at all...but how did it stop? did u finally tell someone? Why didn't u tell anyone from the beginning?

(vixenchick) said...

a.m.: hey! first off, you're not insensitive... ask what you want! i'm an open book. i actually told my mom after the first time it happened and she didn't believe me. she let him stay. i guess she did what she thought what was best for her. at the time, i was only around 9 yrs old, and i thought 'if my mom doesn't believe me, who else will?' it ended when she put him out six years later. she didn't put him out because of me.... she put him out because he was a crackhead and she was tired of him stealing money from her. i don't resent her or anything. i love my mom like you wouldn't believe. she's so much stronger now, and she will fight to the death if anyone tries to mess with me. she's my best friend.

Simply Tiffany said...

Hey vixen sweety I understand what u went through cuz I went through a similar situation and the way I overcame it was with God and it didn't happen over night it took years to get over yes being molested makes you emotionally,mentally and spiritually messed up but with God u will learn to heal, forgive and be reborn. I love you vixen!

Lyrik Marie said...

It takes a lot of strength to overcome something like this. But I strongly believe you'll be able to surmount this. God is good. And all you have to do is trust and believe in him, and the thoughts of this PERVET will go away. I think you should start off by recognizing that you were a young girl who was vicitmized. Dont be so hard on yourself. You didnt ask for this to happen. It just did. Understand that he was sick, and he wasnt in the right place mentally. You should also be happy that you were able to be set free from this. I know it took 6 years. but it came to an end. You can not go on forever hating yourself, feeling dirty like stated in the post, or having remorse. You must be strong! Even if you have to find this man and beat the shit outta him - do it !! But you must let it go. You dont want your current or next boyfriend to have to deal with the hurt you've dealt with. I'll keep you in my prayers vixen chick .. Lol

(vixenchick) said...

tiffany: hi sis! i didn't know that you've been through that too. it's a shame that so many young girls have been through that. i've prayed on it a million times. love you! : )

lyrik: my big brother beat the shit outta him! i finally told him about a year ago. thank you for your kind words. : )

Simply Tiffany said...

Love u too and yes girl pray! "Prayer changes things" and sum Mary J. Blige Cd's in heavy rotation Especially the "My Life" song and "Be Happy" song those lyrics are deep they helped me through the hardtimes.

khaki said...

I am happy to see that you have overcame this and you are putting it out there for the world to see.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Wow! I have nothing to say here that would not sound trite and insignificant. All I have on my heart is a deep sense of saddness and sorrow. Sorrow that you had to experience this and I wish your mother had listened to you when you first told her. Wow.

Mina Belle said...

Dand Vixen, that's some heavy stuff... like..... damn.... I dunno what to say.....

Truthful Trish said...

Hey vixen hun, I was in a similar situation when younger except I was scared to tell my mom because I thought she would be mad at me. (I know a childs mind for thinking that) but I applaud you that you attempted to tell your mom, some people keep those things inside and are to scared to tell. But whenever I think of those thoughts I just pray. I sometimes feel like its the devil trying to take away my happiness. Don't let the evil past prevent Ÿou from a possible great future. Its ok to have ýour guard up against men but don't be afraid to slowly remove that guard you have formed because God will always have your back and as soon as you remove that guard he is there backing you up so no worries. Let go and let god like people say... :-)

bkashawna said...

seriously its good that you can talk about it. there are certain things that have happended to me that i have not been able to come to terms with and can not even speak of to the closest person to me in life.

Steph said...

This blog sheds a lot of what I wondered about you. You are an interesting yet troubled girl. That bothers me at times. If you haven't already, I hope you find someone to talk to and get help (not just for this but other things...) because I feel like your blogs are a cry for help. Don't get me twisted tho, this is by no means disrespect. I tell you this because I care.

Mizrepresent said...

I'm so sorry this had to happen to you Sweety. OMG! Always praying for you.

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

Hey sweetie! I haven't been on here in awhile, I just wanted to say I commend you for sharing this via your blog, I am sure that it took much courage to bear your soul like that. Keep Praying and keep living. I went through a date rape situation of my own...I havent completely dealt with it, but it doesnt stop me from living. I take solace in a bible verse that says vengeance is the Lord's I'm sure the ass-whopping that your brother gave will not even compare to the whopping God has planned. My blog is private now, let me know your email and I will invite you to it.

You are in my prayers, I miss your presence at my blog I will be sure to stop by more often : )