Saturday, January 2, 2010

binge, purge, cry, cut

my christmas was a mixture of good and bad.

christmas morning: i was with my nephew, mom, sister, and nieces. i watched them open all their presents. it was so rad! i spent like $1500 on them so seeing the smiles on their faces was worth EVERY penny. : ) my mom got me a digital camera, and some perfume from gwen stefani's harajuku lovers line. i love gwen stefani! i've been wearing clothes from her harajuku lovers line and her lamb line since it first came out, so i was super stoked about that.

christmas evening: had dinner with my boyfriend, his mom, and his kids. binged like a freaking monster, felt so full and fat that of course i had to go purge. got caught. i was trying to be a silent and possible while doing it, but my boyfriend walked in on me. (in retrospect, how could i have possibly thought i could barf in silence? what was i thinking?) i was so embarrassed and ashamed because i promised him that i wasn't going to throw up anymore, and i got stone cold busted. i couldn't look him in his eyes because i could just feel how disappointed he was. i felt really guilty. i cut myself on the inside of my left wrist with a razor blade. i sat in his mom's bathroom for about five minutes and cried my eyes out. i hate that i disappointed him, and i hate that i lied to him. luckily for me, his mom didn't notice how red my eyes were after i reappeared.

so that was my christmas day in a nutshell. the good outweighed the bad.

because i can't stop eating, i've gained weight. back up to 116. gross! i keep trying to make myself feel better by saying that everyone gains weight around the holidays, but this sucks, damn it! starting tomorrow, i'm going on a fast. i'm not sure how many days it's going to last, but i hope it goes well. i'm going to try not to purge anymore because of the promise i made to my boyfriend. i don't want to disappoint him.

17 holla'd back:

Soulstress said...

hey vixie..sorry ur holiday wasnt all good...keep ur head up and remembr that it will take time b4 u will be able to stop the binge & purge...stay strong grlie;)

ZION`OLOGY said...

SRRY TO SAY BUT I TOLD YOU...U`RE NOT ONLY HURTING URSELF U`RE HURTING PPL AROUND AND THE MORE U DO THIS SHI THE MORE U LOSE THEM...I WISH I COULD SLAP SOME SENSE INTO YOU..&..I HOPE UR BF FINALLY WALKS AWAY COZ YOU SEEM TO LOVE ENTERTAINING THIS SHI...LETS BE HONEST HERE U LOVE IT..THE LOVE FOR BEING ANOREXIC OUT WEIGHTS THE LOVE FOR HIM/UR FAMILY...

P.S.THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME I`M ON YOUR BLOG...IT GETS VERY DEPRESSIN...& I HATE REPEATING MYSELF..IT`S LIKE TALKIN TO A FUCKIN BRICK WALL,TALKIN TO YA..I STILL LOVE YA BUT YOU NEED TO GET HELP!!! TAKECARE...MUCH LOVE ZION.
ZXXX

Lyrik Marie said...

Don't do it to yourself.
Reading this makes me want to cry, only for the simple fact tht I would probably sell my soul to the devil if I could weigh 116 lbs ..

I'm huge .. Nothing compared to 116.

Be appreciative ..


And you're hurting yourself and your boyfriend.

Dont do it ..


please

~SpiFFSter ~ {SFC} said...

JEEZ! Well atleast you are attempting to keep your promise! Stay focused and know that you aren't perfect....w e all make mistakes DAILY!... Just pray about it & remeber you are not just doing this for yourself!

Lucky said...

happy new year, girl! I'm with everyone else, I'm so sorry for the dark spots in your holiday. But without darkness comes light, after all...dunno if you've addressed this, but have you thought about seeing a therapist or joining some sort of eating disorder counseling group? you don't have to deal with this alone! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Girl at 116 lbs you are a toothpick!!! SKINNY!! Are you kidding me?!

I really wish you could get a hold of reality and see what the rest of the world sees.

I think seeing a therapist will help if you are not already seeing one.

Good luck my dear!

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

Hey girl!

You know I love ya and all, but now is the time to seek some additional professional help, you CANNOT do this alone. Please look into that.

Oh and how old is your boyfriend? you said kids meaning more than one? Also with all that you are going through it might be best to take a break from the boyfriend and really focus on bettering yourself.

Just a suggestion

Brownngirl. said...

GIRL!

What. are. you. doing? I realize telling you to stop is just not enough, but you HAVE to know that this is not good. It's just not. (And, btw, 116 is really not gross unless you're 3'11 or something. Lol!)

I don't know what else to say, chile! I WANT YOU TO GET BETTER!!! You're ruining your body. I hope, eventually, you'll be able to see that. You're beautiful.

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