Sunday, September 14, 2008

A Letter To My Father

Dear Father:

Thank you for walking out on me when I was 4 years old.
Thank you for not loving me.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be completely loved or accepted for who I am.
Thank you for popping in and out of my life, promising me the world, and then leaving again.
Thank you getting my hopes up by telling me that you are going to pick me up on the weekends and then never showing up.That was really the biggest highlight of my third grade year.
Thank you for not attending my high school graduation.
Thank you for making me feel weird when people ask me where you are.
Thank you for not being there when my stepfather started molesting me when I was 9 years old.
Thank you for not being there when another man raped me when I was 13.
Thank you for all the times I've cried myself to sleep every night on Father's Day. Thank you for never showing up for father/daughter functions at school.
Thank you for breaking my mom's heart.
Thank you for leaving my mom to raise 3 kids by herself.
Thank you for promising to buy me a car that I never got.
Thank you for making me feel like I'm incompetent.
Thank you for all the time I waste thinking about you.
Thank you. You are the reason why I avoid getting close to people because I'm afraid they will abandon me.
Thank you for the time you ignored me when you saw me at Target.
Thank you for putting me on a diet when I was 10 years old. Drinking the Slim-Fast you gave me and running around our neighborhood really made me feel confidant about my body.
Thank you for telling me that black girls can't have eating disorders.
Thank you for calling me stupid.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be good enough.

51 holla'd back:

Tima And Nasha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tima And Nasha said...

I'm glad you found a way to vent. Don't hold stuff like that in. Always remember people come and go in our lifes but God never leaves us. Take Care sweety!

CurvyGurl said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Despite all of this, you are victorious, beautiful and loved (even if he wasn't man enough to tell you so). Wish I could give you a hug.

Brittni [Life . Imitating . Art] said...

Wow, that's deep girl, but I'm glad you're able to say this and get it off your chest and I hope you realize that his mistakes don't define you or your future. It sucks that people can be so utterly cruel sometimes and not even realize the effects their actions can have on us, I will pray for your continued strength, because you are strong for admitting this, the next step is getting past it all and leaving the ball in his court and regaining power over your life. I know you can do it!!! Keep ur head up doll!

Ms. Behaving said...

I will never understand how a person could be so cruel to their own flesh and blood.

It disgusts me to say the least...

"What doesn't break you can only make you stronger"

((((((HUGS)))))) :-)

Jaded said...

No words that could help. Just empathy.

Shubby Doo said...

I have no understanding why a child has to go thru… an innocent child… and your father wasn’t there for you during the good when you wanted to celebrate with him or the bad times when you needed him

I hope that you understand that you never did anything wrong sweetie…

We have a saying in Nigeria… it is not your portion… he doesn’t define you… those monsters that took advantage of you don’t define you… you can now choose to be what you are… fearless vixen… God’s beautiful child… I wish 4 you so much more than I can write in words…it starts with happiness and lots of love!

KoffeeDyme said...

I can understand your pain. I never understood why our own family could put us in a position where we had to run before we could crawl...

It helps to vent. Believe me I know.. But I learn that what doesn't kill me only make me stronger...

It angers me that little girls are put in the position where we are raised without our fathers...
simply because a man is what we really need in order to become strong women in Today's world. I'm still finding it hard to trust men to allow one to love me like i deserve to be loved...

(vixenchick) said...

tima and nasha: thanx, girls!

curvy gurl: thanx a bunch! **hugs! kisses! sloppy love!** lol

britni: thanx for praying for me! head's up!

ms. behaving: i never understood it, and that's why it hurts so bad. **big sloppy smooches!**

jaded: thanx for the empahthy, lol :)

shubby doo: honestly...sometimes i feel like i had to do something really bad that makes him not want to be around me...like i'm unloveable or something...but that's a whole other post...thanx for your kind words, youre gonna make me cry! ***KISSES***

koffee dyme: i feel a whole lot better now that i let that out...you have no idea how your comments make me feel...have a good week, boo!

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

Let it out girl...you should also thank the bastid for showing you how a father is not supposed to act towards his children...and how a real man is not supposed to act....Trust and believe it is his loss.....

pink said...

Its good for you to vent about things like this. I am proud of you :-* *BiGhUgGzNkIsS*

(fŭng'kē) [blak] [chik] said...

it's always good to get it out...never let something fester, no matter who it's about.

Nicole said...

hey, just wanna say im praying for u, just so happen to stumble on ur blog. i admire you, keep ur head up, i think u'll make a difference!
God Bless

Kei said...

I can relate to your pain. My father was never truly there for me either. Thank God for my grandfather. He and my grandmother raised me from the time I was a little girl, and he was the father figure in my life. Trust me when I tell you this...No matter what your father has done- the empty promises, the neglect,....through all of the pain you may feel from his absence, God will help you to grow into a stronger, more focused, and talented individual. You can make it and you can reach your absolute full potential by believing in yourself and your purpose. Do not allow your life to be defined by him not being there...grow strong from his mistakes...

The Black Russian said...

I can relate I lost my grandfather(who adopted me) he died when i was 5 1/2 and I never got over the fact he died... My bio father knows about me but never sought me out.. This letter is so powerful glad you got to express this... Its the first step in healing

i.can't.complain. said...

*hugs vixen*

a girl needs her daddy

no matter what anyone says

i do know that

:-/

-1-

iCandy21 said...

wow. you reminded me alot of myself in this one. I mean I didn't go thru what you went through as far as not having a father, but I mean your writing style. I always write to vent. It's like when you feel you can't tell anyone anything, you can always vent thru writing for yourself. Keep doing what you have to do to be ok, and I just want you to know you don't have to feel like you're not good enough just b/c your father rolled out on you and wasn't there for you. Ask God to settle your spirit b/c you are somebody. Don't let your father's negligence of you dictate how your life turns out. Regardless of whether this has plagued your life, it's never too late to pick up the pieces. Be strong, and seek approval and acceptance only from Him above. *hugs and love*

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

well as a farther i will apologize on his behalf - it makes me look bad

Kitty said...

Dang. A few of those thank yous kinda hit home for me. That whole empty promises thing is a big one. I still can't trust anyone till this day because of that but like Ms Behaving said "If it doesn't break you it makes you stronger"

Get your Antwone Fisher on, girl!

dejanae said...

sigh
dont even really have any words
*hugs*

Lucky said...

I love you
You will be ok
Better than ok
Fabulous
Amazing
Strong
XOXO

A.M. said...

yea, i never understand dads for real. I mean mine didn't suck that much but he still sucked. N why do they only want to be there when u're doing well. Now that I'm about to graduate form college my dad is allllll in my face, ugh. it's like, "ain't no daddies where I'm from, it's just mad muthas"(karina Pasian). Neva heard a more true line.

P.S. I'm glad ur getting this all out. XOXOXOX for u :)

Ms. Jones said...

That was truly the most powerful thing that I've ever read.

faith said...

damn. that was deep. keep venting.
(((((hugs))))

(vixenchick) said...

introspective goddess: you're right...real fathers are real men.

pink: thanx, boo!

funky black chick: i feel alot better now thar i've gotten that out. thanx for coming by my blog.

nicole: thanx, honey! head's up!

kei: you were lucky to have your granfather with you. thanx for coming by my blog...i'll be over at yours soon. : )

the black russian: omg we both have those loser deadbeat dads...i hope you never feel the way i feel cuz it's not a good feeling at all. **KISSES**

i.cant.complain: that's true. maybe its the reason why i have't completely gotten over him yet.

icandy: that's pretty much the reason why i write...to vent. i will be added you to my blogroll soon...your stories about inky crack me up, lol.

torrance: don't apologize...just don't ever abandon your kids

kitty: it hasn't killed me so i guess it's gonna make me stronger, lol

dejanae: big sloppy kisses!

lucky: i love you too, boo! xoxoxo

a.m.: i like that karina pasian. that's way true

ms. jones: thanx, sweets!

faith: i gotta keep venting..that's the only way i can get it out.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I am completely speechless. I can not even express how sorry I am that you have to experience this.

It's a real shame men don't realize the impact they have on their child's life.

Speechless.

AutumnJones said...

Oh my.. this is the fcukin story of my life and my father... I kind brought tears to the eyes

Keli said...

*hugs*

As a daughter...I had to learn that my worth is not defined by my father...all though present, at times it was like he was not...

thank you for sharing...although sometimes it gets lonely...you are not alone.

Thank you for sharing...your words can help others as well.

Queen said...

Wow, this really spoke to me..I am always sad on father's day for similar reasons.

viavonne said...

Thanks for writing this. It takes a lot of courage to post something this personal, but it allows us cyber blog friends to get to know you better.

I'm sorry you had to / have to go through all that. Your father was not the daddy to you that you needed to have, and I know that hurts. Hopefully down the line you will be able to find peace within yourself about this. (Easier said than done, I'm sure.)

Continue being your beautiful self sis! You will accomplish great things. Who knows, your story may even be able to help a younger black girl who's going through the same thing right now.

*hugs*

(Brownngirl.)

Dope Fiend said...

Im not gonna lie, I read half this post and couldnt finish because it hurt to.

Imsorry you had to go through that pain, Im sorry that you're still going through it. Just know that you are beautiful, and loveable, and DEFINATELY worth it.

I pray the Lord touches your heart and gives you a real good man to take care of you.

"Thank you for telling me that black girls can't have eating disorders."
My mummy told me that too.


xoxo Much Love

Sincerely, Amber said...

This is deep. congratulations on facing that emotion head on. most ppl would just keep it in and never speak on it. my father is in my life so i cant relate but i know how it feels to not feel good enough or question yourself for someone elses wrong doings. be strong girl.

Ms. Magnificant said...

I understand where you're coming from but in some weird kinda way I think that all that we missed out on has made us stronger people.

Brooke Love said...

That deep
remember this: the things in life that we view as "negative" only makes a stronger and prepare us for the "negative"

ShonaVixen said...

hey hon, first time here and your post was very touching, and deep! Glad you were able to let it all out!((((hugs))))

contagiouslyCRANKY said...

wow such honesty.... you are in my prayers luv...(((E-HUG)))

Philly's Andrea said...

wow girly this was deep.


my prayers are with you

Desy said...

baby girl... that was sooo deep and I know for a fact you have touched some people with this piece

Jaded said...

hey vixen! I commented on this post awhile ago...I'm just poppin in to say hey.

karrie b. said...

awwwww man. realest post i read in a long time.

feel better darling.

-KB

DiamondsR4eva said...

Thank him for doing the best thing he could've done

leaving you to become the beautiful person that you are today that all of us get to enjoy just a bit through your posts and comments :-)

My Fashion Frenzy said...

Very powerful.

(vixenchick) said...

tee: the shit leaves me speechless too, chicka.

autumn jones: i didn't mean to make you cry! sorry boo! hugs!

keli: i know i;m not defined by him, but i just feel like i need to have his approval.

queen: yup...fathers day is bad for me, but i usually celebrate by giving my mom a cool present seeing that she has been my mother and my father for my entire life.

brownngirl: what it do girl! thanx for calling me beautiful...i think i love you now more than i did before, lol.

dope fiend: have you gotten treatment? if so, did it work? love ya long time!

sincerely, amber: thanx chick! i'll be stopping by your spot soon. : )

ms. magnificant: it's definately made me stronger....it's just been hard for me to get over it

brooke love: thanx, sweets.

shonavixen: hey boo! thamx for coming by! i'll be at your blog soon to leave you a comment and show some love. KISSES!

contagiously cranky: thanx, love. sugary kisses, lol!

philly's andrea: thanx hon.

desy: i try! i wasnt gonna post this at first but then i thought about all the other people that are in similar situations and i figured that would be a way for us to connect.

jaded: girl i love your ass! kisses!

karrie b: thanx, love.

diamondsr4eva: het stranger! missed you! lots of love coming your way

my fashion frenzy: thanx.

The Cocoa Luv Chronicles said...

All that I can say is wow. I have a work in progress letter that I have been working on for a little over a year. They never realize the impact that their absenteeism leaves on a coming of age woman... Stay blessed. You have a new bud in the blog world.

Miss Cocoa

~SpiFFSter ~ {SFC} said...

DANG...
I know it took a lot for you to write that.
I vow to be a great father...
It's good that you can freely write your feelings.
This Blog went HARD...
I am still in shock about it.

You seem STRONGER, no doubt about it!

mademoisellechitchat said...

You are in my thoughts, girlfriend.

Thanks for the birthday greetings!

Be ENCOURAGED!

Da Hunni Toya said...

DAM THIS IS REAL DEEP...

**KEEP YA HEAD UP**

DollFace said...

I didn't get past the third line before the tears flowed. I hate that so many of us have the same story. I know this was hard for you to write; I hope it served as a release.

(((hugs)))

athurashefan said...

girl i know JUST how you feel. I'm only 14 years (but mature for my age)..and the majority of those things have happened to me..I love your blog and I find you an inspiration to post that letter..

LEO said...

AWWW MANN... =0(
I WILL NOTTTTTTT CRY ABOUT MY FATHER. LOL...

I RESPECT YOU FOR BEING SO OPEN WITH YOURS...I FEEL VULNERABLE WHEN I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE..

zion said...

GIRL U GET MAD RESPECT FROM ME 4 OPENING UP BOUT YOUR FATHER LIKE THAT...I KNOW IT MUST HAVE BEEN HARD THINKING BOUT THAT PAST...I KNOW THE FEELING...WE ALL STRUGGLE LETTING GO OF THE PAST BECAUSE IT`S HARD...THAN HAVING TO REBUILD YOURSELF FROM THE START...LEARNING TO LOVE/RESPECT YOURSELF WITH ALL YOUR FLAWS AND ALL...IS A BIG STEP...BUT GAL KEEP IT UP U`LL GET THERE:)

THE PAST:(
I KNOW I DON`T WANT OR NEED A RELANTIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER....BUT I WAS THINKING HOW IT MUST FEEL TO HAVE ONE...COZ I ALWAYS FELT UNLOVED...AND I WOULD ASK MYSELF DOES HE ACTUALLY CARE....OR I`M ADOPTED OR SUMTHING COZ I WAS HURTING.... BUT HE HAD 18 YEARS TO MAN UP AND BE A FATHER BUT NO...HE RATHER BE A DEADBEAT PIECE OF S***!!!..MEN.
I HATE MEN SO MUCH IT HURTS...(TEARS).
BUT I THINK IT`S TIME 4 ME 2 LET GO...IT`S 4 THE BEST...SO GAL TRY TO DO THE SAME...HE`LL NEVER KNOW WAT YOU`RE WORTH...TIME WILL HEAL YOUR HEART N THE REST..:)

BYE
ZXXX