Sunday, September 28, 2008

These Are My Confessions.....


Hi everybody! First off, let me say that I am truly sorry for taking so long to do a post. My job has been so crazy- instead of working 40 hours a week I've been working 60. Needless to say, I've been WAY tired. Like falling-asleep-as-soon-as-my-head-hits-the-pillow-tired.

My twin sister moved in with my mom and I like 4 days ago, and I'm already feeling the strain of it. She got put out of her apartment because her bitch ass baby daddy (yes my sister is one of those ghetto as hell girls whose 3 kids have 3 different dads...but I digress) robbed some guy that lives in the same apartments so the guy went and shot inside my sisters house while my nieces and nephew where in there. Clearly I'm pissed off about this situation because 1) my sister and her kids are practically homeless because of this loser, 2) she still talks to him but she lied to my mom and told her that she doesn't talk to him anymore, and 3) that asshole put my neices and nephew in danger and I don't appreciate that shit. My sister is so trifling all she does is sit around and smoke weed all day. She's pissing me off so bad I love my sister to death but she's 22 years old with 3 kids, she needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility for her actions. Our living situation kind of sucks now it's my mom, my sister, my 2 neices and my nephew in a two bedroom house. Can you say cramped? The kids sleep in my bed with me, and my sister sleeps on our sofa. I'm happy that the kids are here, because I get to see them more, but my sister is starting to irk me something fierce. Like she doesn't give the kids baths she sleeps all day, and she's basically just lazy as hell. I wake up eary in the morning, get the kids ready for school, drop them off, work 10 hours a day, come home, help the kids with their homework, give them baths, and put them to bed. Do you think my ungrateful ass sister has thanked me for any of this? NO. I'm about ready to give up on her. I'm tired. Sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and slap some since into her. She needs to get her ass beat.

So like the title indicated, I have some confessions to make.....

I havent eaten anything since Friday. Getting better is harder than I thought it would be. I'm so afraid of gaining weight. The last time I ate I just threw it all up after I was done.

The ex and I ended up having sex the other night. I could give you a bunch of excuses, but I'm not going to. Hell, I was horny. He told me he loved me after we were done. I'm not going to get my hopes up because I doubt that he wants me back.

These are my confessions...what are yours?

Peace and Blessings,

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A Letter To My Father

Dear Father:

Thank you for walking out on me when I was 4 years old.
Thank you for not loving me.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be completely loved or accepted for who I am.
Thank you for popping in and out of my life, promising me the world, and then leaving again.
Thank you getting my hopes up by telling me that you are going to pick me up on the weekends and then never showing up.That was really the biggest highlight of my third grade year.
Thank you for not attending my high school graduation.
Thank you for making me feel weird when people ask me where you are.
Thank you for not being there when my stepfather started molesting me when I was 9 years old.
Thank you for not being there when another man raped me when I was 13.
Thank you for all the times I've cried myself to sleep every night on Father's Day. Thank you for never showing up for father/daughter functions at school.
Thank you for breaking my mom's heart.
Thank you for leaving my mom to raise 3 kids by herself.
Thank you for promising to buy me a car that I never got.
Thank you for making me feel like I'm incompetent.
Thank you for all the time I waste thinking about you.
Thank you. You are the reason why I avoid getting close to people because I'm afraid they will abandon me.
Thank you for the time you ignored me when you saw me at Target.
Thank you for putting me on a diet when I was 10 years old. Drinking the Slim-Fast you gave me and running around our neighborhood really made me feel confidant about my body.
Thank you for telling me that black girls can't have eating disorders.
Thank you for calling me stupid.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be good enough.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

My Girl Crush And The VMA's

Guess who's back...back again...vixens!

Did anybody watch the VMA's? I will be the first to admit that I didn't. I missed it which I guess is a good thing because everybody in the blogsphere is saying that it sucked! But I was so happy to hear that my NUMBER ONE GIRL CRUSH, Leona Lewis was on with Lil Wayne. Now, I'm not a big Lil Wayne fan (Lollipop is the most overrated, overplayed song EVER. Now that I think about it, his new album is overrated too.) But anyways, here is Leona, Lil Wayne, and T-Pain's peformance. (Sidenote: I am not posting this because I like the whole performance, I'm posting this because I love Leona's part. Lil Wayne and T-Pain are not real musicians in my opinion.)

Now, more about my girl crush....

I know you guys are tired of hearing me talk about her, but I seriously love Leona Lewis! She can sing her ass off, and her album is so amazing! Not to mention that she's freaking BEAUTIFUL! I would've posted some pics of her but blogger is acting a damn fool and won't let me put up any pics. So these are my fave songs off her album:

What do you guys think after taking a listen? Don't you think her voice is insane? Well, I do, and if you don't then frankly you suck, lol. Nah I'm kidding but if you don't like her voice then something must be wrong with your ears, ya dig? :)

I got to see the ex's 9 month old daughter Monday while I was at work. That made me so happy because I hadn't seen her since the day we broke up. I love that little girl...the hardest thing about this breakup is not seeing his kids (he has a 10 year old son also) because I got attached to them too. Breaking up is hard to do...

So Monday while I was at work, I found some British guys wallet, and it was FULL of 100, 50, and 20 dollar bills. Me being the good samaritan that I am, I turn the wallet in to my boss. Well the guy comes back for his wallet, and my boss tells him that I found it but the rude bastard doesn't tell me thank you, kiss my ass or anything! How screwed up is that?!? I told my mom and she was like 'you dumb as hell, I would have took all the cash out of the dudes wallet' , lol. That's my mom for ya.

I will be back later on this week. Try not to miss me!

Peace and Blessings,

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Happenings...

Hello world! How you been blog fam? I've been well, and I'm doing a lot better. : )

Working with the ex is a lot easier than I anticipated it would be. He's actually being a little too nice to me. Examples: he's been doing a huge majoritiy of my work for me, he let me listen to my ipod while I was working (which is a major no-no at my place of employment), and basically he's just been kissing my ass. I'm not gonna stop him...I'ma ride that shit the wheels fall off, ya dig?!? LOL!

I went to my first meeting Tuesday night. (Sidenote:Why was I the only black girl at that meeting?) While I was there, I met a 19 yr old named Victoria and we became fast friends. She's 5 ft 4 and she weighs 90 pounds. Oh my gosh, she is so tiny and frail. We talked and she was telling me that she wants to lose 15 more pounds. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything's gonna be ok. We hit it off like crazy though. I hope the both of us get better. There were so many girls at the meeting that were so skinny! Like there was this tall white girl, and she literally looked like a skeleton, she was so small. Being there made me realize how truly blessed I am and it's really motivating me to get better.

So this is my meal plan for today:

Breakfast: Special K with lowfat skim milk, an apple
Lunch: A bomb-ass salad, lol
Dinner: Steamed broccoli and a turkey sandwich

So far I've made it through breakfast and lunch without throwing up. I did feel a little guilty because I put a teaspoon of sugar in my ceral. Eating is really hard for me and the eating disorders that I have cannot be cured overnite. The thought of gaining too much weight terrifies me. Hopefully dinner will go well and I won't have the urge to puke it all up.

I'm so excited my best friend found the bridesmaids dresses! High-five for bargin shopping! Whatchu know 'bout getting 5 bridesmaids dresses from American Apperal? We found the flowers for the bouquet. My best friend jokes that she should marry me because I'm doing more planning than her future husband is, lol.

Work has been absolutely insane. We just fired a cashier that we just hired like a week ago. OMG homegurl was the biggest Debbie Downer/Negative Nelly EVER. She smells like beer and cat food. I'm so glad she's gone, y'all have no idea. (I'm going to hell for that...)

I will be back sooner than later, I promise.

Peace and Blessings,

P.S. Please show some love for my homegurl, she's having kind of a hard time right now. I love you Lucky! Things will get better, and we will find the loser who got your Blackberry!