Random

Hey! Just wanted to say that I'm not neglecting my blog on purpose. It's just that my internet has been on some BULLSHIT!

Thank you so much for being patient with me.

Err...where do I begin? My life has been pretty hectic for the past three weeks. I've been working, going to my dance classes, attending the meetings for my eating disorders, and Christmas shopping.

Here's my Christmas list:

Daisy by Marc Jacobsa digital camera

Christian Dior Diorshow mascara in very black

this Louis Vuitton bag

The Complete First Season of Fame


My dance classes have been fucking awesome! I'm taking tap, jazz, ballet , and hip-hop. I love it!

So um.....the ex and I slept together on Saturday night. I stayed the night at his house. It was actually quite nice.....we talked, and assured me that her never cheated. I'm a little apprehensive about us getting back together because of my insecurities. I'm really afraid of getting hurt....it's kinda like I'm sheilding myself from any future pain. I'm scared if I let him back in something bad will happen and it'll blow up in my face. My biggest fear is that he'll find someone better (in my twisted head, better means skinner and prettier.) and forget about me. I love him , and I can't imagine not having him in my life. My fear of being hurt gets in the way of us being together , and I have a hard time trusting men. All the men that I've incountered have done really bad things to me (i.e. , my father walking out on me , my stepfather molesting me when I was younger , and being raped by another man when I was 13.) and I just can't seem to get over it. Errrr.....this is really complicated.

These are the songs I'm feeling this week:

Let's Give 'Em Something To Talk About

***this title has nothing to do with this post! cool points to whoever can tell me what song the title comes from!***

Tag! I'm it!
I've been tagged teamed by Curvy Girl and Songstress! (Hey girls! Love you long time!)

here are the rules:

here goes!

1. I eat 3 to 5 apples a day. I love apples.
2. I'm really horny. (TMI? Oh well! This is my blog, damnnit!)
3. I love this video
4. I love black nail polish even though my ex hates when I wear it.
5. I want to meet Maya Angelou. I love her poetry, and I feel a connection to her because our life stories are so similar.
6. My favorite movie of all time is Purple Rain. Gotta love that Prince! Sexy, sexy.

7. I own over 40 lip glosses.

I'm tagging anyone who wants to do this.

I know I've been gone for a while.....the world of Little Miss Vixen is quite crazy these days. My sister got an apartment! YAY! I'm so proud of her! I'm glad she moved out of my place but I'm missing my nieces and my nephew something fierce. I miss them sleeping in my bed with me. I love those kids so much...it's like I gave birth to them, lol.

Oh damn I almost forgot! I saw my father again the week of my uncles funeral. It was at the party my family had to celebrate my uncles life. Bad experience. He ignored my sister and I the whole time. And this shit right here is the fucking shocker: he has a 7 year old son. He actually takes care of this little boy and is involved in his life. Wow. This was my our first time meeting the little dude, and honestly I could care less about the little boy. The whole time we were at the party our father ignored us. I was trying to be strong for my sister, and it took every ounce of strength in my body for me not to walk up to my father and slap the cowboy shit outta him. I was so hurt....everytime he looked at the little boy, his eyes would just light up with unconditional love for the kid. He never looked at my sister and I like that ever in our lives. I'll be honest...that hurt like hell. Ugh.

The ex and I had a lengthy text discussion on Friday night. Here's how it went down:
ex: I've been doing alot of thinking since the day you broke up with me.
vixen: Thinking about what?
ex: I've been trying to figure out why you ended things.
vixen: Because I felt like you were cheating on me.
ex: I never cheated on you.

*****SWEET DAMN!!! He never cheated. I've been missing his ass something fierce****

Guys, he sounded so sincere when he said it. I want to believe him, but the insecure side of myself tells me that I should'nt. He wants us to get back together. Why is love so confusing? Anywhos, I ended up staying the night with him on Saturday. There was no sex invovled! (Which is why I'm so horny now, lol!) We just talked, spooned, and cuddled. I love that man so much. Love is so complicated!

These are the songs I'm feeling this week:
Energy by Keri Hilson



Is It A Crime (live) by Sade


Till It Happens To (live) by Corinne Bailey Rae

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

I'm Going Through Changes....

Hi everybody! As you can see, I gave my blog a total makeover. I changed the title, got a new background, and somehow in the process I lost half of my fucking blogroll. I will be back with a real post soon. For now, I will leave you with some of my favorite videos to keep you entertained.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen


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It's Obama Time!

Tags And Things

***EDIT:I DELETED ALL THE MUSIC FROM THIS POST. IT MAKES MY PAGE LOAD SLOW!***

Hey hey hey!!

So sorry I've bee M.I.A.

Been crazy busy. Working my ass off. My great uncle (my dad's uncle) died Friday morning. He had a stroke. I miss him. He was the coolest uncle ever. Treated my sister and I like we were his own. In memory of him, here's "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd


So my sister and I go to our uncles funeral on Tuesday morning and can you guess who we saw? Our deadbeat dad. He spots us, and he turns around and starts walking in the opposite direction. He's such a dumbass jackass. Ugh. So my sister is getting all emotional about it when our favorite uncle V (he's a cross-dresser. I love his ass! More about him in a later post) strolls over. He hugs us, and tells us that he loves us. That cheers us up, but I'm still upset that our father ignored us, but I'm most worried about my sister. I don't want him to hurt her again. I do know that we will probably see him again on Saturday because our family is having a get together in honor of my uncle. I'm excited because I really don't get to see that side of my family too often.

Things with Panda didn't go well. She stood me up.
No call.
No text.
Nothing.
I don't even care. I'm not going to beg her to be my friend. That's that.



I've been tagged by Ms. Magnificent!

The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

1. I have a fraternal twin sister. We aren't identical. I look like mom and she looks like dad. I'm ten minutes older than her.

2. I'm double jointed in my fingers and my toes.

3. I feel really bad for even admitting this, but I love my sister more than I love my older brother. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother but the way I love my sister is on a deeper and spiritual level.

4. I love rough sex. If I'm not getting my ass smacked and having my hair pulled while doing the do, I am not a happy camper. I also love deep kisses....if you're going to kiss me, don't give me a little peck! Use your tongue and make it nasty, please and thank you.

5. I love sunflower seeds.

6. I STAN for the Pussycat Dolls and Girlicious. (yes, I fux with bubblegum pop! don't judge me!) Their songs are so catchy, and their bodies are sick. I also love the way they dress.







7. I'm still stuck on my dad. If you don't know our history, please page down until you find this post: A Letter To My Father. That explains it all.


8. I'm half Haitian. My dad is a full blooded Haitian. His family moved to America when he was 5 years old. My mom is black.


I'm tagging:
Lucky
Tima and Nasha
iCandy21
Dope Fiend
contagiously cranky
luvinyounow
(I tried to post the links, but blogger is acting a damn fool! sorry!)

And now, I will leave you with two songs that I'm really feeling this week.

Almost-Tamia
Realize-Colbie Calliat

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

P.S. Get up and vote! I already did! It's up to us to help change our country for the better! Go team Obama!

Naughty Girl And A Best Friend Breakup

I've been naughty....

I've been bad....

Spank me!!!!

I am SOOOOO sorry for not being on top of my blogging like I should be! I want to apologize to Tima and Nasha, Jaded, icandy21, Pink, Lucky, contagiously cranky, luvinyounow, brownngirl, and Kitty. (If I left anyone off this list, I'm sorry!) You guys, I am so sorry for not commenting on your blogs like I should be doing! I just simply haven't had the time. Just know that I love you forever, and I always read your posts even though I don't always comment on them.

How's my blog fam?! Good, I hope. Things are getting much better in the life of vixen. I'm still going to my treatment meeting for my anorexia and bulimia, and I've been eating 3 meals a day without throwing them up for the past week. YYYYYYAAAAAYYYY!!!! LOL! I'm really proud of myself.....I've just been taking this one day at a time. O-M-FREAKING-G!!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me that they started making peanut butter Twix?!!? Those things are the business!! I had one this morning, and it's the little things like those that make me appreciate getting healthy again. Look at me, getting all sentimental over a Twix! No but seriously, those things are some serious chocolaty-peanut-buttery-slap-ya-mama-and-ya-grandma-GOODNESS!! That's the best thing I've eaten in a long-ass time!

Now, on to more pressing issues.....

My former BFF (from now on we will call her Panda because she loves panda bears) called me up this morning and asked me if I wanted to spend my off day with her. Keep in mind that I haven't seen or spoken to her in months. I tell her yes. My off day is Wednesday so we will see how this goes. I think I should give you guys the vixen and Panda back story:

**we met freshman year of high school
**we were like peas and carrots- you never ever saw one without the other, no ma'am. Like seriously, I never thought that our friendship would end up like it is now.
**we kinda had a falling out like a year and a half ago- it wasn't really an argument, we were just busy with our own lives- i.e., she got pregnant but she had a miscarriage, I was working all the time and fighting my eating disorders, she got a boyfriend (the guy she was pregnant by was not the child's father). Our friendship has been shaky ever since.

All in all we just stopped talking. I'm a little apprehensive about hanging out with her because I'm afraid it will be awkward because we haven't talked in so long. I hope all goes well.

Anywhos, I've been working with the ex, and for the first time, it's been hard as hell. I was so emotionally numb when we first broke up that I didn't really feel anything, but now that I know there's a possibility that he will be with someone else, it just KILLS me. I need to get over this because while we were together I had a really strong feeling that he was cheating on me. I can't be with someone like that. I don't know how to get over this....I'm new at this whole dating and relationships thing.

Any advice? Hit me up in the comment section. I love hearing from you!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

Guilty Pleasures, Barack Obama, And A Meltdown Of Epic Proportions

Hey hey hey everybody! Did you miss me? Of course you did! LOL. I missed you guys too! Babies, vixen's exhausted.

I just want to stop and take a moment to tell you guys how happy your comments make me! You have no idea how much I look forward to reading them. I appreciate you guys for coming by my blog, and here's a big ol' HI! to all my new readers...adding you to the blogroll soon. : )

So I know you guys are wondering if I'm eating, and yes, I am. I had to. I was so weak it was to the point where I felt nauseous everytime I bent down to tie my shoes. I'm taking it slow because I know that I can't be cured overnight....this is really hard for me. I've had the urge to throw up everytime I eat but I'm fighting it. I can't let this eating disorder kill me. I went to my eating disorder support group meeting on Thursday night, and Victoria was there. She is the coolest white girl ever! I can tell we're going to be really good friends.

Um...what else? There's not too much going on in the life of vixen. Things with my twin sister are getting a little better. She's trying to do better with the kids, but I'm still doing a majority of the brunt work. Why, you ask? Because I love my neices and my nephew and I want them to have the best. The other night my 5 year old nephew said to me, 'auntie why do you work so much?' and it was then that I realized that I'm doing this for them. I love those kids more than the air I breathe.


Now, on to Mr. Barack Obama!!! I live in Nashville, and he's in town today! They blocked the street where my job is so that he can get to the debate tonight, and I saw him! Yep, you read right! I saw BARACK O-FREAKIN-BAMA!!! He waved at me from his car!!! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! I almost had a freakin heart attack I was so excited that he waved that me! That man is just brilliant, amazing, talented, and beautiful! He's the father I've always wanted. Seeing him made my whole day and it really gave me hope that things are going to change in our country. He's going to be a great president. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I can't believe that brilliant man waved at me!

Anywhos..... I had a meltdown of epic proportions after I left work last night. I was thinking about how much my life has changed since I'm not with him anymore. He was my first boyfriend. Breaking up is so hard to do. It just hit me like a ton of bricks....wow, it's really over. I cried so much last night. I get a pain in my chest everytime I think about him. I miss being his girlfriend so much. *plays 'Can't Let Go' by Mariah Carey*

On to more fun things......
This is a list of songs that I consider to be my gulity pleasure songs. (This is a music blog, after all!)

What are your guilty pleasures? Musically and otherwise? Let me know in the comments!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

These Are My Confessions.....

***DISCLAIMER: THIS POST HAS A LOT OF CURSE WORDS IN IT. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE PROFANITY, STOP READING NOW.***


Hi everybody! First off, let me say that I am truly sorry for taking so long to do a post. My job has been so crazy- instead of working 40 hours a week I've been working 60. Needless to say, I've been WAY tired. Like falling-asleep-as-soon-as-my-head-hits-the-pillow-tired.

My twin sister moved in with my mom and I like 4 days ago, and I'm already feeling the strain of it. She got put out of her apartment because her bitch ass baby daddy (yes my sister is one of those ghetto as hell girls whose 3 kids have 3 different dads...but I digress) robbed some guy that lives in the same apartments so the guy went and shot inside my sisters house while my nieces and nephew where in there. Clearly I'm pissed off about this situation because 1) my sister and her kids are practically homeless because of this loser, 2) she still talks to him but she lied to my mom and told her that she doesn't talk to him anymore, and 3) that asshole put my neices and nephew in danger and I don't appreciate that shit. My sister is so trifling all she does is sit around and smoke weed all day. She's pissing me off so bad I love my sister to death but she's 22 years old with 3 kids, she needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility for her actions. Our living situation kind of sucks now it's my mom, my sister, my 2 neices and my nephew in a two bedroom house. Can you say cramped? The kids sleep in my bed with me, and my sister sleeps on our sofa. I'm happy that the kids are here, because I get to see them more, but my sister is starting to irk me something fierce. Like she doesn't give the kids baths she sleeps all day, and she's basically just lazy as hell. I wake up eary in the morning, get the kids ready for school, drop them off, work 10 hours a day, come home, help the kids with their homework, give them baths, and put them to bed. Do you think my ungrateful ass sister has thanked me for any of this? NO. I'm about ready to give up on her. I'm tired. Sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and slap some since into her. She needs to get her ass beat.

So like the title indicated, I have some confessions to make.....

I havent eaten anything since Friday. Getting better is harder than I thought it would be. I'm so afraid of gaining weight. The last time I ate I just threw it all up after I was done.

The ex and I ended up having sex the other night. I could give you a bunch of excuses, but I'm not going to. Hell, I was horny. He told me he loved me after we were done. I'm not going to get my hopes up because I doubt that he wants me back.

These are my confessions...what are yours?

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

A Letter To My Father

Dear Father:

Thank you for walking out on me when I was 4 years old.
Thank you for not loving me.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be completely loved or accepted for who I am.
Thank you for popping in and out of my life, promising me the world, and then leaving again.
Thank you getting my hopes up by telling me that you are going to pick me up on the weekends and then never showing up.That was really the biggest highlight of my third grade year.
Thank you for not attending my high school graduation.
Thank you for making me feel weird when people ask me where you are.
Thank you for not being there when my stepfather started molesting me when I was 9 years old.
Thank you for not being there when another man raped me when I was 13.
Thank you for all the times I've cried myself to sleep every night on Father's Day. Thank you for never showing up for father/daughter functions at school.
Thank you for breaking my mom's heart.
Thank you for leaving my mom to raise 3 kids by herself.
Thank you for promising to buy me a car that I never got.
Thank you for making me feel like I'm incompetent.
Thank you for all the time I waste thinking about you.
Thank you. You are the reason why I avoid getting close to people because I'm afraid they will abandon me.
Thank you for the time you ignored me when you saw me at Target.
Thank you for putting me on a diet when I was 10 years old. Drinking the Slim-Fast you gave me and running around our neighborhood really made me feel confidant about my body.
Thank you for telling me that black girls can't have eating disorders.
Thank you for calling me stupid.
Thank you for making me feel like I will never be good enough.

My Girl Crush And The VMA's

Guess who's back...back again...vixens back...lol!

Did anybody watch the VMA's? I will be the first to admit that I didn't. I missed it which I guess is a good thing because everybody in the blogsphere is saying that it sucked! But I was so happy to hear that my NUMBER ONE GIRL CRUSH, Leona Lewis was on with Lil Wayne. Now, I'm not a big Lil Wayne fan (Lollipop is the most overrated, overplayed song EVER. Now that I think about it, his new album is overrated too.) But anyways, here is Leona, Lil Wayne, and T-Pain's peformance. (Sidenote: I am not posting this because I like the whole performance, I'm posting this because I love Leona's part. Lil Wayne and T-Pain are not real musicians in my opinion.)


Now, more about my girl crush....

I know you guys are tired of hearing me talk about her, but I seriously love Leona Lewis! She can sing her ass off, and her album is so amazing! Not to mention that she's freaking BEAUTIFUL! I would've posted some pics of her but blogger is acting a damn fool and won't let me put up any pics. So these are my fave songs off her album:



What do you guys think after taking a listen? Don't you think her voice is insane? Well, I do, and if you don't then frankly you suck, lol. Nah I'm kidding but if you don't like her voice then something must be wrong with your ears, ya dig? :)

I got to see the ex's 9 month old daughter Monday while I was at work. That made me so happy because I hadn't seen her since the day we broke up. I love that little girl...the hardest thing about this breakup is not seeing his kids (he has a 10 year old son also) because I got attached to them too. Breaking up is hard to do...

So Monday while I was at work, I found some British guys wallet, and it was FULL of 100, 50, and 20 dollar bills. Me being the good samaritan that I am, I turn the wallet in to my boss. Well the guy comes back for his wallet, and my boss tells him that I found it but the rude bastard doesn't tell me thank you, kiss my ass or anything! How screwed up is that?!? I told my mom and she was like 'you dumb as hell, I would have took all the cash out of the dudes wallet' , lol. That's my mom for ya.

I will be back later on this week. Try not to miss me!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

The Happenings...

Hello world! How you been blog fam? I've been well, and I'm doing a lot better. : )

Working with the ex is a lot easier than I anticipated it would be. He's actually being a little too nice to me. Examples: he's been doing a huge majoritiy of my work for me, he let me listen to my ipod while I was working (which is a major no-no at my place of employment), and basically he's just been kissing my ass. I'm not gonna stop him...I'ma ride that shit the wheels fall off, ya dig?!? LOL!

I went to my first meeting Tuesday night. (Sidenote:Why was I the only black girl at that meeting?) While I was there, I met a 19 yr old named Victoria and we became fast friends. She's 5 ft 4 and she weighs 90 pounds. Oh my gosh, she is so tiny and frail. We talked and she was telling me that she wants to lose 15 more pounds. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything's gonna be ok. We hit it off like crazy though. I hope the both of us get better. There were so many girls at the meeting that were so skinny! Like there was this tall white girl, and she literally looked like a skeleton, she was so small. Being there made me realize how truly blessed I am and it's really motivating me to get better.

So this is my meal plan for today:

Breakfast: Special K with lowfat skim milk, an apple
Lunch: A bomb-ass salad, lol
Dinner: Steamed broccoli and a turkey sandwich

So far I've made it through breakfast and lunch without throwing up. I did feel a little guilty because I put a teaspoon of sugar in my ceral. Eating is really hard for me and the eating disorders that I have cannot be cured overnite. The thought of gaining too much weight terrifies me. Hopefully dinner will go well and I won't have the urge to puke it all up.


I'm so excited my best friend found the bridesmaids dresses! High-five for bargin shopping! Whatchu know 'bout getting 5 bridesmaids dresses from American Apperal? We found the flowers for the bouquet. My best friend jokes that she should marry me because I'm doing more planning than her future husband is, lol.


Work has been absolutely insane. We just fired a cashier that we just hired like a week ago. OMG homegurl was the biggest Debbie Downer/Negative Nelly EVER. She smells like beer and cat food. I'm so glad she's gone, y'all have no idea. (I'm going to hell for that...)

I will be back sooner than later, I promise.

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

P.S. Please show some love for my homegurl, http://thegirlintheglasses.blogspot.com/ she's having kind of a hard time right now. I love you Lucky! Things will get better, and we will find the loser who got your Blackberry!

Breakups And Such

I broke things off with the boyfriend this morning. I think from now on we'll call him 'C' . Anyways, I ended our relationship of a year and a half today. I haven't cried yet. I'm not even upset. I actually kind of feel like I'm on autopilot now...I just feel numb. I don't think it has hit me yet. It's funny, when we were together I would get upset whenever I thought about us not being together. I asked him if he cheated and of course he denied it. I still have a feeling that he did but whatever, I'm not going to stress over it. What is meant to be will be. He is my heart, and I still love him, but I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. We had a good day at work (sidenote:did I mention that we work together? He's my boss. I met him there. But that's a whole other post.) even after I told him I didn't want to be together anymore. I know I sound optimistic right now, but I think I would flip the fuck out if I saw him with another chick. But I will cross that bridge when it gets here....

I want to tell you guys about the whole weird situation that is my father, but that will set off a crying jag, and I don't think I'm prepared for that today. Another post, someday soon, I promise.

So on with some (hopefully) good news: I will be starting treatment for my eating disorder this week. I will be attending meetings on Tuesday and Thursday nights until I conquer this demon they call anorexia and bulemia. These are the same meetings I attended two years ago when I first got sick. I think I will do well, but I'm not sure about the whole eating thing (insert irony here). All I ate today was three apples and a bottle of water. I can't remember the last time I had a real meal. But that's neither here or there. But I will say this: I really want to get better.

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

I'm Back! Well, Kinda...

Lots of things happening in the dramatic saga called my life:


THE GOOD...
My best friend is getting married next October. I'm her maid of honor/hair stylist/makeup artist/assistant wedding planner. We picked out her dress yesterday so now we have the hard task of finding the perfect bridesmaids dresses. Wish us luck!

I recently got a promotion at my job and I have been working over 40 hours a week. This is explains why I haven't been blogging as much as I should. Sorry guys! But I'm trying. : )


THE BAD...
I've lost 35 pounds over the last 2 months. I was anorexic a couple of years ago. Cue relapse now. I'm trying to hide it from my family and it's really hard. They see right through me.

I still miss my father.

I have a sinking feeling that my boyfriend is cheating on me.


Peace and Blessings,
vixen

I'm Not Dead

Hi everybody! Sorry for the lack of posts! Work has been really crazy right now and I haven't been able to get away.As a matter of fact, I'm at work right now, hiding in the restroom sending this from my Blackberry. I will back to blogging as soon as I can. I love you guys!

Peace and Blessings,
Vixen

Untitled

I miss my father.