thoughts

how can i be so lonely

when i'm surrounded

by so many people

try sleeping with a broken heart

Even if you are a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me

And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear it inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time, you were telling me lies

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever try sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound
Why don't you hold me, need me
I thought you told me, you'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I knew right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love with you
Right till the end

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could've told you right from the start it's 'bout to fall apart
So rather than hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it, don't hold on too tight
I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

it kills me

Oh yaahh ive got trouble with my friends
Trouble in my life
Problems when you don’t come home at night
But when you do you always start a fight
But I cant be alone , I need you to come on home
I know you messin around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down
Ooooh I gotta be out my mind to think it’s gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave, but the other side still believes
And it kills me to know how much I really love you
So much I wanna ooh hoo ohh to you hoo hoo
Should I grab his cell, call this chick up
Start some shhhh then hang up
Or I should I be a lady
Oohh maybe cuz I wanna have his babies
Ohh yah yahh cuz I don’t wanna be alone
I dont need to be on my own
But I love this man
But some things I cant stand ohhhh
Ive gotta be out my mind
To think its gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave but the other half still believes
and it kills mee to know how much I really love you
So much I wanna oohh hoo ohhh, to you hoo hooo

high-five

i stayed under 500 calories.
i can't feel hunger anymore.
i hope this feeling never goes away.

sabotage

i'm loving this song so much....this girl has got a voice on her!



It's sabotage now
I keep praying she'll leave me alone
But she keeps waiting outside of my home
I've got an angel on the left saying "Don't give in"
But the evil on the right is saying "Let her in"
She won't stop kicking down my door, oh
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now
I can't hold on to guys I like
'Cause she keeps looking with wondering eyes
I've got an angel on the left screaming "Get away"
But the devil on the right is saying "Time to play"
And I can't take it anymore
It's sabotage now
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now
When I fall in love
I cause myself so much pain
I sabotage my heart
And I don't know how to change
It doesn't matter what I say, what I do
'Cause in the end she always wins, I always lose
I need to get her out of my life
Oh
Each time I tried to play the good girl
I let myself get in the way
I tried so hard to fight the bad girl
She's here to stay
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
It's sabotage all (Over and over again)
Now my heart is (Broken all over again)
It's sabotage now

thoughts floating around in my head

i was in third grade when my stepfather started molesting me.

he came into my room one night after everyone else had fell asleep.

i felt a hand going under my nightgown and then into my panties.

i awoke to him masturbating with one hand, and rubbing my privates with the other.

groping.

touching.

probing.

molesting.

hurting.

this went on for at least six years.

over two-hundred times.

i remember when it would happen.... i would squeeze my eyes shut, and try to separate myself from it.

it felt like i was on the outside looking in. watching him hurt me over and over and over and over and over again.

i've been emotionally shut down for so long.

i still remember what his penis looks like, smells like, and tastes like.

felt so dirty.

i still feel dirty.

so dirty that i shower at least three times a day.

i scrub my skin until its raw and bleeding.

so dirty that sometimes i don't want my boyfriend to touch me.

so dirty that i'm afraid of most men.

so dirty that i don't trust most men.

so dirty that i pray like hell that my nieces and nephew will never have to go through something like that.

i feel so dirty....i just want to wash this away.

i want these thoughts out of my head.

he lives in my panties.

blair underwood.

he is so fucking fine.

i want to lick the sweat off his body.

that is all.

yuck.

i started my period this morning , and it's turned me into a binge monster.

grilled cheese sandwich.

vegatable soup.

granola bars.

cranberry juice.

chocolate ice cream.

yuck.

fatty's going to the gym now.

peace and blessings,

vixen

back on track

hey blog fam! ugh... i've so m.i.a.! no excuse. absolutely no excuse.

i had the flu for a week and a half, which sucked, but the best part about it is i lost not 1

not 2

not 3

not 4

not 5

not 6

not 7

not 8

not 9

not 10

not 11

not 12

but 13 pounds!! i can't believe i lost that much weight in a week in a half! i've actually kept it off, which is dope. i'm not on the abc diet anymore, i'm just going to do a water fast for the next three days, and then after that, i'll have 500 calorie days. i'm going to do this for two weeks every month. it's not really that hard to do....i just pick a 100 calorie soup (which is very filling) and then i have water, take my vitamins and eat my fruit. ahh...control...i love it.

my best friends wedding was saturday! she looked so beautiful, and i was so honored that she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. we were running around all crazy for the past three weeks trying to get everything done. it was so worth it. the wedding was a hit!

my mom's birthday is thursday! she's turning 49. i'm going to break her off some cash and a couple cards.

i've started my christmas shopping, and i've already gotten my mom's presents and my sisters. all i have to get is my neices and nephews presents. and a present for my boyfriend, of course.

what's on everyone else's christmas list? let me know in the comments!

to all my pro-ana girls: stay strong! i love you!

xoxo

vixen

fuck.

major fuck up.

family get together at my boyfriend's mom's house on labor day. they both know about my eating disorders, but they don't know that i've relapsed. i'm sure my boyfriend has told her about my new eating habits, which are non-existant. his mom made me this huge plate of mac n cheese, green beans, baked beans (no meat cuz i'm kind of a vegan). i ate while they watched me with worried eyes. i didn't want to disappoint them, so i ate almost everything on my plate.

i didn't purge. i couldn't we didn't leave her house until 3 hours after i ate, so there was no way it was coming back up. i worked out for 2 hours when i finally made it home.

i restarted the abc diet on tuesday and it's going well.

thank you to everyone who comment and following my blog! i appreciate it so much.

xoxo

vixen

get your armor

a little bit of an update

hi. i'm still alive.

i haven't really had time to post, and honestly, i'm a little burnt out.

my life has taken on somewhat of a routine:

work.

dance classes.

meetings with a tutor (i'm trying to prepare myself to get back in school).

spending time with the family and the boyfriend.

more work.

gym.

good news: i've lost 7 pounds on the abc diet. my legs are getting muscular from the daily workouts and from taking all the dance classes.

bad news: my boyfriend is on to me. i kind of fainted in the shower at his house the other day. i felt so woozy, and everything turned to black. luckily, i came out unscathed. he's noticed my eating habits (or lack thereof) and he's stressing over me. the hardest part is that i'm hiding this from him. i don't want to disappoint him because he was so proud of me when i started therapy.

it's actually easier to hide it from my mom this time around because i'm never at home, and when i am at home she's either sleeping or at work.

once again, i'm really sorry if i've disappointed anyone by relapsing, but i feel this is what's best for me right now. thanks to everyone for your wonderful comments, and i do read ALL the blogs that are on my blogroll, even though i don't always comment on them.

that's all, folks!

peace and blessings,

vixen

just checking in

this is my meal plan for today:

breakfast: water

lunch: tomato soup (30 cals a cup)

dinner: water

i'm also going to the gym after i do my morning run.

(thinforever, this is for you! you know i'm your biggest fan! lol.)

this isn't going to be a super long post....i just wanted to let everybody know that i'm alive. i will be back to posting regularly soon.

i'm sorry if i've let anyone down by relapsing, but i need to do what's best for me.

peace and blessings,

vixen

Relapse

hi. as you can see from the title, i've had a relapse.  i stepped on the scale on monday morning, and i saw that i've gained of total of ten pounds since i've started treatment, and i flipped out. felt like a cow. felt like a fat failure. 

binged. 

purged. 

and for the time being, starvation. 

i'm going to take a little break from blogging. i'm not sure when i'll be back. i've got to get this weight off.

peace and blessings,

vixen

Drama, Drama

Hey everybody! I want to apologize for my random posting. I've just been so busy working almost 60 hours a week, going to my dance classes, and spending quality time with my family. When I get home at the end of the day, I just poop out! I just want everybody to know that I do read all the blogs on my blogroll, even though I don't comment on them.

Now on to more interesting things....



I want Maxwell to make love to me. He is so sexy!

There has been so much drama going on with Panda and her boyfriend. Her bf is basically a drunk loser. He's 24, he lives with his grandfather, he doesn't work, he's not in school. All he does is sit around and drink beer and smoke pot all day. He totaled her car (he claimed someone tried to steal it) he's always in and out of jail. Here's the kicker: he HIT her.  She's still with him. She lied to us (us being my friends... I feel the need to give them nicknames: Pleasure D, Brickhouse and KK) and told us that she wasn't going back to him but that same night she went RIGHT BACK to his house. All of us girls almost got into a fight with him, and she just sat in her fucking car and watched. Didn't do a damn thing. He broke my sunglasses and he punched me in my arm. You better believe that I got his ass back right in the eye before the girls dragged me to the car. They just wanted to haul ass before the cops came. I already told her I'm done with her. I refuse to help someone who doesn't want my help. I haven't talked to her in three days. I'm really scared for her.... he's gonna end up killing her. I don't know what else to do.
 
I've been tagged by some LOVELY people: the-beautifully-flawed-one.blogspot.com gave me the Honest Scrap award in which I'm supposed to reveal 10 truths about myself. Here goes: 

1.) I LOVE shopping. Whenever I hit the mall, I get this euphoric feeling. It's like the best orgasm you've ever had in your whole life multiplied by 100. I have a serious problem. Whenever I'm not shopping, I'm browsing clothes online. It's like Carrie Bradshaw said: "I like my money right where I can see it- hanging in my closet". Me too. Carrie Bradshaw ain't never lied. I do feel a little guilty when I shop though. Even though I have a nice little chunk of change in my savings account, I feel like I could contribute to it more if I didn't shop so much. 

2.) I LOVE my mommy. So much. More than words can say. 

3.) I cried like a baby when I heard about Michael Jackson's passing. I'm such a big fan of all his talents.

4.) I love this video: 

5.) I don't understand Twitter.

6.) I still have nightmares about being raped at 13. Sucks.

7.) I love cowboy boots. I have a bright red pair, and they're my favorite.

8.) I cried at my nephews kindergarten graduation. He's growing up so fast!

9.) I burst into song at random moments.

10.) I'm scared to get pregnant because I don't want to get those gross stretchmarks on my stomach.

Here's my second tag from thesweetheartchronicles.blogspot.com and poeticsatindoll.blogspot.com

1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I'm tagging all my new followers!

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

hey!

As you can see, I'm switching up the template of my blog. I haven't forgotten about being tagged (thanks, guys!) and I will back later on today with a new post and tags.

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

R.I.P. Michael

I can't believe he's really gone... I admire his music and his dancing style so much....there are so many artists out today who wouldn't have careers if it weren't for him.

R.I.P. Michael. You will be missed.

Somebody's Gotta Be On Top

Ladies, help me please! I still haven't mastered the art of being on top during sex. Any tips? Hit me up in the comments. All advice is much appreciated! 

Peace and Blessings,

vixen 

Broken-Hearted Girl

I've loved this song since the I Am.... Sasha Fierce album came out, and I've been waiting for this video since FOREVER but.... I am so DISAPPOINTED.  I had really high expectations for this one, and they were definitely not met. : (

River Deep, Mountain High

Artist Spotlight: Tamia

Dear Slash...

I want you. That is all.

There's Nobody Like Her

This is why I LOVE my mom: She just bought me a pair of bright red toe shoes. Later for the old pink ones! I can't wait to wear these babies to my dance class tomorrow! All the girls are going to be hatin' so hard!

Thanks, mom. YOU DA BEST!!!

Peace and Blessings,
vixen

Artist Spotlight: Prince

Tired.

Hey! I wanted to do a post today, but I'm tired from a four-hour long love making session with my boyfriend. I'll get back to you guys as soon as my man and I get some rest.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

"Everybody needs somebody/You're not the only one"- 'November Rain' by Guns N Roses

Tagged!!

I was tagged by my blog sister Lucky () Hey Lucky!

Here goes!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1) Getting married
2) Having kids
3) My ballet recital next month
4) Seeing my 4 year old niece in her school uniform (She's starting kindergarten soon!)
5) Getting a pedicure. My toe shoes have totally ruined my sexy polish!
6) Getting the new Blackberry because my Blackberry Pearl sucks major monkey balls
7) Buying myself a digital camera because I didn't get one for Christmas
8) Corinne Bailey Rae's new album, whenever it comes out. She's one of my favorites.


8 Things I Did Yesterday
1) Showered
2) kissed my boyfriend, stepdaughter, and stepson
3) worked
4) called my grandma and sister
5) read natural hair blogs. I'm natural as well!
6) went to my ballet and jazz dance classes
7) wrote a poem
8) slept


8 Things I Wish I Could Do
1) Slash from Guns N Roses. I WANT HIM!!!
2) swim. I'm always talking about bathing suits, but I can't even swim
3) learn more about football. I just don't get it!
4) be invisible.
5) travel the world with my family
6) have a successful publishing company
7) record an album
8) meet Prince. But then I'd die from excitement.


8 Shows That I Watch
1) America's Next Top Model
2) For The Love Of Ray J
3) I Love Money
4) Taking The Stage
5) The Hills
6) 90210
7) College Hill
8) Harlem Heights

I'm tagging A.M., Tima and Nasha, iCandy.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

I Met Sheila E!!!

I met Sheila E. at my job today! I've been a fan of hers since i was in diapers! She is so nice and so humble! She took a picture with me, and she hugged me twice!! If you don't know who she us, here is her bio:




Sheila Escovedo was born into a musical family. The eldest child of Pete and Juanita Escovedo (she has two brothers, Juan and Peter Michael, and one sister, Zina), she started playing with the family instruments at the age of 3.

Sheila was obviously influenced by her father Latin jazz legend and timbalero Pete Escovedo (then band leader of the influential band Azteca) while watching him rehearse. At 5 years old, she made her concert "debut" at the former Sands Ballroom in Oakland, as she was invited on stage by her father to play a solo in front of an audience of 3,000. At that moment, Sheila knew exactly what she wanted to do: she was going to be a percussionist.

From age 17, Sheila has recorded and toured extensively with renowned artists such as Babyface, Billy Cobham, Natalie Cole, George Duke, Pete Escovedo, Gloria Estefan, Marvin Gaye, Herbie Hancock, Stevie Nicks, Patti LaBelle, Cyndi Lauper, Prince, Lionel Richie, Diana Ross, Ringo Starr, Tito Puente, Don Was, Stevie Wonder and countless others, but to name a few.

In 1983, Sheila caught the attention of Prince and changed her name to "Sheila E.," and Prince helped her record her first solo album, "The Glamorous Life." The first single from the album, "The Glamorous Life," written, performed, and directed by Sheila E., was released in the spring of 1984 and earned popular and critical acclaim. This single went on to receive multiple Grammy and American Music Award nominations, and won MTV's Best Video Award. "The Glamorous Life" yielded a hit single in the title track, and another hit for its follow-up single, "The Belle of St. Mark."

After three months of sold out performances in Europe and the United States, Sheila began touring as the opening act for Prince's 1984-85 sold out Purple Rain Tour, all while composing her follow-up album, "Romance 1600." Released in August of 1985, "Romance 1600" raced up the charts with its mega-single "A Love Bizarre." A three-month engagement opening for Lionel Richie followed a headlining tour in the spring, 1986, of which a video of her March 1986 San Francisco performance (called "Romance 1600 Live") was later that year released.

In 1986, Sheila made her acting debut in the motion picture "Krush Groove," and contributed the song "Holly Rock" to its soundtrack. Soon after, she released her third album entitled "Sheila E.," which included yet another smash single, "Hold Me," which went to #1 on Billboard's chart and had a fast-growing international reputation. Instead of touring to support her own album, however, Sheila joined Prince's band, playing drums and percussion, for his European tour supporting his album "Sign o' the Times," a tour that Rolling Stone Magazine readers rated as the 15th best tour in music history. Showing her strong family roots and love for Latin jazz, she joined her father, Pete, and fellow Latin jazz legend, the great Tito Puente, on a special concert which deviated from the pop and funk music she had become popular playing. Later released on video and CD as "Latina Familia," the performance showcased her skills as a virtuoso musician. In 1988 and 1989, Sheila toured again with Prince on his "Lovesexy" World Tour, playing drums and percussion.

In the following year, she appeared in the Andrew Dice Clay comedy "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane" and in 1991, released her fourth CD, "Sex Cymbal." The CD, which was largely produced by her younger brother Peter Michael, included two singles accompanied by brilliant videos: the title track, and "Droppin' Like Flies."

After taking several years off for health reasons, Sheila's next project, the E-Train, started in 1994. The band that played a mixture of soul, Latin jazz, funk, fusion and gospel toured in Europe in 1994, and finally released a CD, entitled "Writes of Passage" in 1998.

In 1998, Sheila became the first female bandleader on late night television on Magic Johnson's variety show "The Magic Hour," and she co-wrote and co-produced the late night show's theme song.

Sheila has played on countless albums, including the soundtrack to "Prince of Egypt," featuring Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey, successful Japanese artist Namie Amuro (whom she also toured with in 1996 and 2002) and Gloria Estefan's hugely successful "Mi Tierra."

Among her other notable appearances, Sheila performed at the 35th Annual Academy Awards with the incomparable Placido Domingo, the 1996 Summer Olympics and was featured in the "all girl" Grammy production opening number featuring Ellen DeGeneres. Other notable performances included MTV Unplugged with Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds, and "The Concert of The Americas," where past and present U.S. Presidents and their families were in attendance. Appeared as "featured artist" with Jennifer Lopez on her promotional tour in 1999. Performed with Prince, Wendy & Lisa at the 2006 Brit Awards with a viewing audience of over 20 million, appeared with Prince at the 2007 ALMA Awards, with Juan Luis Guerra at the 8th Annual Latin Grammy Awards, and with Gloria Estefan at the 2008 Emmy Award-winning television event and music celebration Idol Gives Back.

In 2004 Sheila joined Prince on the "Musicology" tour, which was seen by 1.5 million people. She also performed "The Glamorous Life" at the 7th Annual VH1 Divas, a benefit concert for the VH1 Save the Music Foundation that was televised worldwide, and appeared on the TBN network show "Praise The Lord" that received the highest ratings of the season. In 2005 Sheila was a Featured Artist and Musical Director for her first gospel tour "Sisters In The Spirit" featuring Yolanda Adams, Martha Munizzi, Kelly Price, Juanita Bynum and RiZen. In the summer of 2006 Sheila returned for the third time and toured in concert with the legendary Ringo Starr. In 2006 Sheila founded her all girl group C.O.E.D. (Chronicles Of Every Diva) featuring Sheila E., Rhonda Smith, Kat Dyson, and Cassandra O'Neal, who went on their highly acclaimed first European tour in March 2007 with special guest Dutch sax player Candy Dulfer. In 2007, Sheila was chosen as one of the celebrity judges for American Idol Spin-Off "The Next Great American Band."

Founder and president of HEAVEN PRODUCTIONS MUSIC, a music production company, Sheila and company has been hired to direct and arrange music for the ALMA Awards (1998 & 1999), The 1998 WoW Awards, 1998 Gospel Music Association's annual event, and the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards. She co-hosted ABC's Countdown To the American Music Awards with Wayne Brady, hosted 10 episodes of VH1's Arsenio Jams, and appeared as a celebrity judge for NBCs Americas Most Talented Kids Finals. In 2003 she wrote, recorded and taped a montage for the World Series in Baseball.

Currently, Sheila, a philanthropist, continues to devote her talents and time to the Elevate Hope Foundation (EHF), a charitable organization (which she is co-founder and co-chair) that assists the needs of abused and abandoned children through music therapy. Despite the demands of her commitment to making music, she maintains a heavy involvement in the organization. "There are so many kids who need our help," she says, "And we're trying to help them get their lives together by building their confidence through music and the arts. It's just another way for me to do God's will, another reason for living. I believe we are here to help people in this lifetime. We must give something of ourselves to truly live." Sheila E. and EHF have presented countless events to raise money for the foundation.

Besides her charitable work through the Elevate Hope Foundation, Sheila performed on USA For Africa's "We Are the World," for African famine relief. She contributed her rendition of "Mary Had A Little Lamb" to the Pediatric Aids Foundation with 6 million CDs and videos sold worldwide for the project "For Our Children." Received rave reviews for her riveting performance at the APLA (Aids Project Los Angeles) benefit with Barbra Streisand, Patti LaBelle, Natalie Cole, Shirley Mac Laine, and Liza Minnelli. Was honored for her contribution and dedication to the community, and received the Imagen Foundation's Humanitarian Award, Angels Across America Award, The Prism Lifetime Achievement Award, Woman Of The Year Award, and Women Of Soul Award which were all presented for her work through the Elevate Hope Foundation.

Her enthusiasm for "passing it on" to a new generation of players led her to design "The Sheila E. Player's Series", a new line of percussion instruments for kids with TOCA Kaman Music. The latest adult percussion Custom Series "Class E" line was also developed.

Her last CD release "Heaven" is an enchanting combination of adult contemporary, funk, jazz and inspirational tracks. For a list of her albums, singles, videos and recordings for other artists visit the discography.

Most recently, Sheila E. participated in the third season of CMT's hit show, "Gone Country." With the goal of creating a hit country music single, each "Gone Country" cast member is uprooted to Nashville for an intense two-week challenge. Justin Guarini, Taylor Dayne, George Clinton, Tara Conner, Richard Grieco, and Micky Dolenz competed on the third season along with Sheila E. Each celebrity was paired with two of Nashville's finest songwriters with whom they wrote a country single. In addition to meeting with songwriters, the cast competed in challenges that tested them musically and physically to adapt to a life in country music, both on and off the stage. Sheila E. was the Grand Prize Winner of the third season and has gone on to release her first country single & video for her song, "Glorious Train."

Sheila E. is indeed a multi-faceted drummer, percussionist, vocalist, songwriter, performer, arranger, producer, composer, instrumentalist and humanitarian. Her gifts have brought joy on the world and have made her one of today's brightest talents, and she continues to be one of our most treasured stars.

Birthday Recap

Hey! I know I said that I would be giving you the details of my birthday to you on Sunday morning, but my grandma ended up having to have an emergency open heart surgery that day. Needless to say, I was scared shitless and blogging about my birthday wasn't something I was up for doing. She's fine now and the doctors expect her to make a full recovery. So thank the Lord for that. I love my Granny so much and I would be devastated if something happened to her.

My birthday bash was a huge success! It was the best time ever. My girls and I got all cute and dressed up (have you ever shared a bathroom mirror with five other girls? Craziness.) and we went to dinner first. Then went to sex shop where I got some things for my boyfriend and myself (one of those things includes a school girls uniform! Hottness! I can't wait for him to see it!) and my friends and I were just generally acting silly. After we left the sex shop, we went to see male strippers! OMG! Those dudes were so fine! My bestie Panda got a face full of peen from this stripper named Chocolate God. He was soooo fine. I'm glad my boyfriend wasn't there cuz he probably would have kicked my ass if he saw me drooling all over those strippers!! Thank God Panda was our designated driver, because by the time we left the strip club, we were tipsy as hell! It was Panda's bright idea for us to get someone liquor and take it back to her place. It was five in the morning, and all of us were FUCKED UP!!!! That was the best birthday I've ever had!!

Peace and Blessing,

vixen

A Very Special Day

My 23rd birthday!




And very special birthday wishes going out to my twin sister! Love you, sister!

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

P.S. I decided we're not going to the club! Instead....we're gonna see male strippers!
I'll be back Sunday morning to give all the details about my birthday bash. Thanks for all the advice and well wishes!

It's A Matter Of A Extreme Importance....

..... my first grown up club affair.

Remember how I told you guys how my 23rd birthday is this Friday? Well, I'm going out with a group of friends, and they were like 'lets go to____________ (insert club name)'. I agreed because 1) I was a little bit tipsy and 2) i didn't want to seem lame and ask, 'what's ____________ (insert club name)?' I've never even heard of this place...I had no idea it was a club. The problem is, I HATE clubs. So my question is, would I be wrong if I wanted to change the plans I made with my girls and do something completely different? Or should I just go to the club and grin and bear it? I still want to hang out with them, but just not at the club. I kinda feel like since it's my birthday celebration, should have a say-so about it, but at the same time I don't want to disappoint my friends. What would you do? Let me know in the comments.

xoxo

vixen

Artist Spotlight: Corinne Bailey Rae

It's Friday Night....

.....and I'm sitting at home by myself watching 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders Of The Eighties on VH-1. Why? Because my boyfriend doesn't get off work until 10. I can't wait to see him.... I need some peen. Even though we had a quickie this morning. : )  I love him so much, I'm so glad we're back together. I love falling asleep in his arms, kissing him , and spending time with his children. I love how he interacts with his kids..... It's actually one of the reasons why I fell in love with him.  I really feel like we're starting to come together as a real family. 

My leg is getting better. I put on my toe shoes this morning, and I actually could stand on my toes without my leg hurting. Out of all my dance classes, I miss ballet the most. I take jazz, hip-hop, tap, modern street styles, and ballet. I feel the most connected to the ballet classes because I've been taking them since I was 3 years old.  Hopefully I will be able to attend my classes again starting next week. 

I've been eating pretty well.... no binging and purging, no more starving myself, and I've been attending therapy. I'm really happy about getting better. I still have thoughts about losing weight, but I just push them out. I still do tons of sit-ups, because I'm so not trying to have a pudge while I'm rocking my bikini this summer, no ma'am. 

I'm really feeling this video this week. 

That is all.

Peace and Blessings

vixen

I Can't Think Of A Title For This

Hey hey hey everybody! Just thought I would check in.....

Live blogging while watching 'College Hill'.....

Terri's weave is HIDEOUS. 

Brandon isn't all that cute but his body is sick.

Milan is kinda fly in a stuck up diva-ish kinda way. (I secretly want to be her)

Kyle is such a queen! I want a gay bestie so bad.

Why is this Terri chick so dramatic? 

And where are her edges?

***Sidebar: my mom got me some yogurt! End sidebar.****

Chris is such a cutie.

GIRLFIGHT!!! Damn..... Milan almost ripped Terri's wack ass tracks out!

Oh no....one of the girls have to go! I don't want either of them to leave.

Damn they voted Terri out! : (

I love Allison's hair.

Recap: I've come to the conclusion that Terri has low self-esteem and Milan's makeup will melt off her face if she's overexposed to the sun. 

  ****

Today was a boring ass day....I worked.... came home, tried to clean my room, and caught up on some of my writing. Did I forget to tell you that I'm writing a book? I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I haven't been able to attend any of my dance classes this week because I pulled a muscle in my right leg while running around my block. I put on my toe shoes this morning, and I almost cried. I miss my classes so bad! I'm such a baby..... I'll be fine in a week. 

Ooooh.... I'm tired. Gotta go get my beauty sleep!

xoxo

vixen

P.S. Where is Tima and Nasha? Come back, girls! Young Black Beauty: sending you an email soon. I wanna read your private blog!

It's Been A While.....

and I'm so sorry for not keeping my blog family updated like I should have.  There's been so much going on in my personal life. My boyfriend and I got back together, and things are going extremely well. I love his ass so much! Words can't describe how much he means to me. Our Valentine's Day was really nice: we worked together the entire day and most of the night and I didn't think he was going to get me a gift, so when I got in his car after we got off, I was surprised to see balloons, candy, a card, and a teddy bear. Everybody say it with me: AAAAAWWWWW!! I was so surprised..... it was a pleasant surprise. He also got me some bomb ass speakers to got with my ipod. So you know what we had to do when we got back to his house, right? Made love all night. It was the best Valentine's Day ever.

Anywhos, my aunt has breast cancer, so I need you guys to pray for her. My uncle V might have it in his lungs again (he had it in '94 and it went in remission in '97 but now the doctors are saying he might have it again) so I need you guys to pray for him as well. 

Guess what? I've gained 6 pounds, and I haven't binged or purged within the past month and a half. I'll be honest, I almost flipped out and lost my shit when I stepped on the scale and saw that I gained weight, but then I realized that I needed to gain weight to truly get over my eating disorders. My boyfriend is happy, he wants me to gain more weight so my butt can get bigger, lol. I've been doing a ton of crunches so none of  the weight goes to my tummy, cuz I gotta get my belly button pierced so I can rock my bikini for the entire summer. 

On to more fun things....

I GOT A MACBOOK!!!! I'm so in love with it already. I have the silver one. It's ssoooo sleek and zexy. Photo Booth is the best invention ever. My boyfriend and I have already made a sex tape on it. Don't worry, after we watched it a couple times, I deleted it. I'm not trying to pull a Kim Kardashian. (Even though she's fine as hell. If I could hook up with one girl it would be her, without a doubt. Her curves are so hot.) 

Speaking of Kim Kardashian, why didn't anyone tell me that her ex Ray-J was doing that show on VH-1? If I had known he was doing that, I would have auditioned for it. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but I saw the sex tape Ray-J did with Kim Kardashian and um.... can you say LONG DONG SILVER?!? His music may suck, but his peen looks like a baseball bat. 

Moving right along.....

I just some sew-in extentions, and it hurts like hell!!! The braids under my weave are so tight! It hurts so bad. I was so close to taking it down, but I spent too much money getting it done, so I'm just gonna have to ride this one out. 

My birthday is next month on the 17th! I'll be 23. I'm so excited I'm having a girls night to celebrate. It's gonna be the best time ever. 

Get your money straight.....I'm expecting a shitload of presents. 

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Artist Spotlight: Sade

What The Fuck Does Acting White Mean Anyway?

Why are some black people so ignorant?!? Just because I want to go to school and be educated doesn't mean I'm trying to be white. What do you know, some black people actually DO go to college and WORK!! So fucking what if I'm 22 and I don't have any kids? I'M NOT MARRIED YOU FUCKING LOSER!! Just because you had all 3 of your kids while you were a teenager doesn't mean everyone else has too also. I don't aspire to be 20 years old, unmarried with 3 kids, unemployed, on welfare, BROKE, living in the projects with a loser lazy ass boyfriend. You can't be serious. I'm not a food stamp champ. Why do I have to go to work everyday and struggle with no insurance when there's girls like you who have a bunch of kids so you don't have to work AND get health insurance?!?! It's girls like you who make it hard for girls like me. I wish I could have health insurance. Looks like I'm gonna have to pop a bunch of kids just so I can go to the doctor if I need to. What the fuck are you doing?!? Get up off your ass and get a fucking job. So what if I don't want to stand outside on the goddamn corner all day? What the hell are you doing, counting all the cars that go by? I have more to do to myself than to just stand outside and look stupid. Use that energy to get a fucking job!! Stop saying the N word. People like you make white people think its ok for them to say the N word too. This is why we as a culture can't make positive changes for ourselves. We hold ourselves back. Why are you talking so loud? SHUT UP!!

I"M NOT ACTING WHITE I'M JUST BEING MYSELF!!

***disclaimer: Sorry if this offended anyone. I just needed to get this off my chest. I love all my black brothas and sistas, even the ones that piss me off!***

Bliss......

The ex and I have gotten back together.

This is the happiest I've been in a very long time.

I love him so much and while that is a very good feeling, it scares me to death.

Taking a chance and letting it all go.

Gotta jet.

Going to go make love to my man.

Peace and blessings,

Vixen

Revolution Is Now

Hey beautiful people! Missed you!

Where to begin.....

These are my new years resoultions:

• move out of my moms house
• blog more often
• learn to love my body for what it is and lose the attachment I have for the scale in my bathroom
• work on my temper (sometimes the vixen can be a real bitch!)
• learn to be more patient
• stop drinking so much diet coke
• work on my self-esteem
• learn to trust men
• stop procrastinating
• work out more often
• eat more fruits and vegtables
• learn to love myself more

What else do I have to say? Oh damn I almost forgot! I'm going to therapy. I've addressed the issues with my eating disorders, but I really need to learn how to deal with all the things that happened to me when I was younger (being raped when I was 13, and being molested by my stepfather), and I've been snapping on my mom for no reason. She really doesnt deserve that, and I need to control my temper. So wish me luck! My first session is going to be sometime next month. (and I'm getting a pap smear Thursday morning.)

So I hung out with Panda Friday night. It was so fun! We had drinks with some of our old friends from high school, and um.....I got drunk! I never drink, bur for some weird reason, I felt like I had to keep on drinking. I totally puked all over my friend's house, and two of the girls had to help me walk to the car because I could'nt stand up straight. The girls and I also watched porn. (We were curious....none of us know how to ride a dick properly....ladies, if you have any tips PLEASE let me know!) Good times, good times.

Peace and Blessings,

vixen

Rehab

I fucking LOVE this song!



Rehab- Rihanna

I will be back with a real post later on.

peace and blessings,

vixen